Posted by wishingstar on September 12, 2007, at 12:26:50
I know I dont post or come around anymore so I dont have much of a right to show up asking for support, but I dont know where else to turn right now.
I just feel totally unlovable. I wouldnt talk to me if I had a choice. My boyfriend stayed over and triggered this... I'll never be his ex.. and as much as he claims he wouldnt want me to be, I've heard so many stories about things they did, how he felt, etc that are just NOT what I experience with him. I'm not her. I never will be and I'm just not good enough to be loved like that. I keep thinking.. I should have just listened to my parents (unspoken) message that I'm really not good enough or worth the same love as other people. I've spent so much energy fighting against them and the scars theyve left but in reality, maybe I'm fighting against something I shouldnt be. Maybe the difference in how I was raised and how my brother was raised is because of REALITY, and real differences between us. He cared about his ex enough to do x, y, z but it doesnt matter what I want... he wont do those things now. He wont even entertain the possibility of ever doing them. I'm just not special enough.
I'm probably just tired. I only got about 3 or 4 hours of sleep last night because I was up sobbing for most of it. Now I'm thinking of going out to do something but I cant stop crying for long enough to do anything.
I dont want to hurt myself in particular. Thats good I guess. But this is absolutely unbearable right now and I dont know what to do to even relieve it a tiny bit. I'm not calling my T because we've becomne friends more than anything else and intense emotion just isnt part of our pattern. I'm not comfortable doing that.
I've ruined it, with John.
(Up until yesterday, I've been doing really very well lately.)
poster:wishingstar
thread:782444
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070904/msgs/782444.html