Posted by Girlnterrupted78 on September 12, 2007, at 23:19:05
In reply to Re: Very partial response... » girlnterrupted78, posted by henrietta on September 11, 2007, at 19:51:47
> GirlI:
This thread is very, very interesting.
My feeling is that when your T asked what does it mean to you to feel she was annoyed, she was trying to discover important things about you and was functioning the way I expect a good T to function. She may not be a good fit for you right now, she may not be what you need right now, but from what you've said I don't see her as dishonest, unethical, or incompetent.Thank you for your comments, henrietta.
When my T asked me what's the relevance of knowing if she was annoyed, I believe I told her that I felt uncomfortable talking to her knowing she was annoyed. I think it's normal, isn't it? Would anyone feel comfortable talking to a T, knowing that the T is annoyed at something you're doing, but you really don't even know what it is, and the T will not talk about it? Wouldn't you demand open communication from someone you're supposed to be entirely honest with? That was my only request from her. Open communication. I needed her to communicate to allow me to continue to be open with her. Otherwise, I felt totally uneasy about continuIting the therapy.
> You've said repeatedly that you "despise" her. On the face of it I'd say don't continue to work with someone you despise (despise is a very strong word---who else in your life do you despise?),
I guess I did despise her for a while. But right now those feelings are starting to fade. That, based on the fact that she is doing an effort to accommodate my needs by helping me start the sessions, and by giving more feedback, which she knows I need, and which are supposedly not her actual style--so she's doing this just to make things work out.
So while I did despise her (especially during the difficult period--which is most of what I wrote about in my OP) those angry feelings are starting to fade. Not that I'm starting to like her a lot or connect with her--I still feel sort of forcing the situation to make it "work out".. but I do recognize she's doing an effort and that makes me see her in a very different, more positive light.
As for who else I despise in my life? I guess only a few jealous former college classmates who made my life difficult in a competitive environment through dirty play. Those are probably the only people I can think of who I despise. I hate it when people use dishonesty--rumors and gossip--to ruin a person's chances to succeed, out of envy or whatever their feelings were.
I can't think of anyone else I despise in my life. But I usually despise people who act in outrageously unethical ways, at the expense of a person who is innocent and well-intentioned.
> but the fact that you are writing and thinking so much about this (and the fact that you haven't quit her)indicates to me that there's something worth exploring here. Your strong reactions are worth exploring, and I think maybe somewhere deep you know this.
Yeah, I'm sure there might be something positive in the end. At least learning to deal with people I don't initially get along with might be therapeutic--since I usually just walk away from those. I'll see how things turn out. This might be a good experiment that might deal with issues that might be well hidden in me. I'll give it some time and see how it turns out.
> Also, just curious.... Did you realize you said to Racer that you'd "get back AT her" instead of what I'm sure you meant: get back TO her. ?
That was very likely a typo. English is my 2nd language, and sometimes I write words the wrong way--even if eventually I realize it's wrong. I did in fact realize it was wrong and corrected it, but then my computer got disconnected and when I went back to the original page, I ended up sending the non-corrected version. Thanks for the observation, though.
> My feeling is that this could be a very valuable therapeutic relationship, but of course only you can decide whether to quit her or to go along for the bumpy therapeutic ride for a while.
Yeah, you're right. I probably won't quit it at this moment. I couldn't, knowing she's doing an extra effort, and considering our last session went pretty decently well. I still doubt I could trust her with certain things in my life, but maybe in the future I will.
Thank you for your input
GI78
poster:Girlnterrupted78
thread:781352
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070904/msgs/782580.html