Posted by Girlnterrupted78 on September 10, 2007, at 4:58:10
In reply to Re: Frustrated and unhappy with T » girlnterrupted78, posted by Racer on September 10, 2007, at 2:54:00
> Answer: yes, it's possible to project without realizing you're doing it -- in fact, that's pretty much the definition of this kind of projection. If you knew you were doing it, you probably wouldn't be doing it.
I still don't understand it. I've been specific about the things that bother me about this T. I've said she gets easily annoyed when something goes beyond her comfort zone, to the point where I no longer feel free to talk and I'm constantly watching what I say, which makes it impossible for me to feel comfortable in therapy.
So what would be the projection here? Could it be that she is not annoyed and that it's just my imagination? Well, she in fact admitted to having been uneasy/uncomfortable when I tried to engage her, and she denied annoyance. But then again, her initial answer to that was "What is the point of knowing if I'm annoyed? What is the relevance?"
Do you realize what this means? A therapist telling a patient that whether she is annoyed or not is (almost) not of her business. She is basically telling me that her behavior in therapy is NOT to be questioned. This angered me. Am I projecting something there? Did I imagine the answer? This is one of the reasons I despise her--how can she tell a patient that her behavior is not to be questioned, even though therapy is supposed to be an open space for honesty and for being truthful? Isn't she flat-out defeating the purpose of therapy to save face? I think this is unprofessional, but everyone else claims I'm projecting my own (lack of professionalism?) on this poor T, and she's an innocent victim of my accusations? I would never answer like that. Ever. But it turns out I'm projecting? Interesting, because I explained my true feelings to her hundreds of times, as honestly as possible. And yet she came up furious after listening to them. I'm telling her the honest truth, and she responds with anger. Yet *I* am projecting??? Geez. I guess therapy might not be for me.
> No, it wouldn't necessarily happen with every therapist. You've already mentioned in another post that you've got some transference going on with this therapist -- the part about not respecting her the way you didn't respect your stepmother? It's possible that there's something about this woman which is recreating some aspect of your relationship with your stepmother, and that that's what's causing the problems.
You know, deep down, I always felt that I mentioned my stepmother to make this woman feel better about herself. In the back of my head, when I mentioned this, I felt: "This is going to make her feel so much better, and now she'll have a great explanation for herself." She doesn't remind me of my stepmother in the least, as my stepmother is a lot more talkative. However, there's one aspect in which they are very similar, and the reason I brought it up: Their extreme sensitivity, their inability to deal with problems honestly, and the fact that they ALWAYS felt attacked by me, even though I never meant to attack them.
My stepmother was outrageous in her sensitivity and her inability to DEAL with any problem. She was twice divorced, and she never had the guts to stand up for herself and face her marital problems. She always used other tactics like manipulation, hiding behind her family, etc.
NEVER in her life did she say "OK, today we'll have a talk because things are not working out." She'd simply become furious, would be abusive and then she'd stop speaking to me for days, and would never begin dialogue again. Since it was "my fault" I was expected to come out and apologize and make her happy again. She never took the conciliator role, and I was just a CHILD. Ever since I was about 5. How could a child have the emotional strength to deal with this? I didn't and it destroyed me.
How is she similar to this therapist? In that this T, IMO, lacks the ability to guide and her sensitivity far overwhelms her to the point of granting her incapable of being a guidance role for me. She rather pushes things under the rug, than have an open discussion on how things aren't working out. When I had the guts to bring up how our relationship was not working, she took it as an attack rather than as honesty on my part, and came FURIOUS days later to "fix" things her way.
The similarities I see is their inability to handle their sensitivity and their anger, their inability to have honest communication without going insane about it if anything negative is ever said about them, their pushing problems under the rug rather than discussing them, and their being manipulative.
> Honestly, I was going to ask you about this based on other posts -- do you think it's a question of gender for you?
Are you implying this based on a SINGLE woman I've spoken about? How so? Wouldn't it take more than one problematic female T to make such an assumption?
>I don't think I could see a man -- although I suspect I'll have to see a man eventually, to try to work out my issues with men -- but it sounds as though maybe it's harder for you to work with a woman? Then again, considering the transference going on now, I'd say it might be a good idea for you to see a woman therapist at some point. This may not be the ideal time, but it sounds as though there's a pretty rich vein to be mined there.
I saw a few women before, for short periods of time unfortunately ( at a previous clinic I used to go to, where there was outrageous rotation of Ts, and my Ts would always end up transferring after a couple of months.)
I never had these issues with ANY of those women. There was always something I liked about them, or even if they weren't the perfect fit, I don't think they angered me to this point. They at least seemed pretty secure in what they were doing, even if whatever it was, wasn't helping me. They didn't bring their anger or their personal issues into the therapy. And none of them made it so obvious that she couldn't care less about my inquiries regarding her feelings. My current T is bold and strict about her boundaries, and the minute something touches a boundary (like asking if she's annoyed--which she believes is NONE OF MY BUSINESS) will trigger annoyance and anger.
> Can this agency transfer you to another therapist? Sometimes that's what it takes. And, sometimes they can't do that.
I believe so. I haven't had the guts to tell my current T that I'm done with her. Not sure how to say it, either. But I will wait 1 or 2 sessions to do so.
> As far as this therapist goes, some of what you wrote sounds to me as though she may have a good deal going for her. I know it's probably very hard to believe that, but I saw a few things that jumped out at me. I'll try to get here tomorrow, when I have some more time, and try to explain them.
A good deal going for her? You mean something positive going on for her? I'm not sure what you mean, but I'd like to hear what you think of her based on what I've written.
Thanks so much for writing despite being past your bedtime. I know how hard that is, and I tend to screw up my bedtime all the time when something grabs my attention at the wrong time!
> Good luck, and I hope things work out for you.
Thank you again. Hope to hear from you.
GI78PS. Just curious: are you a man or a woman? Thx.
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