Posted by Honore on September 16, 2007, at 14:15:41
In reply to Re: How do we really forgive ourselves? **csa trigger* » RealMe, posted by antigua3 on September 16, 2007, at 0:40:26
Sometimes, when your anger is so intense, maybe it can't ever fully come out, or can only fully come out slowly, in a moderated way, over time.
In a way, although there's this idea that we need to express or even expel it, I'm not sure that's possible. I do think it can become less over time, maybe jsut with practice-- that is, when you feel overwhelmed or overcome, trying to feel that it's okay to be angry, and trying to accept the anger, without having to justify it (he was horrible, he did horrible things)-- but just as *your* anger.
It may be --at him-- which he deserves, but also maybe it isn't helpful to you to to into detail about what he did-- because it only sort of reenacts it on yourself, in your mind-- and builds your anger, rather than helping you to accept and perhaps forgive yourself.
I think that (perhaps) what we can't forgive is our anger, not so much because the other person deserves the anger (and it's therefore justified and forgiveable), but simply because we deserve to be forgiven (or to forgive ourselves) for *our* anger. Because I think it's not so much that you can't forgive yourself for needing your father's love, or even for thinking your had it (mistakenly-- although maybe not so mistakenly-- maybe that was, in his confusion, the only way he could express love, ie in a twisted, destructive way)--
but it's more that you can't forgive yourself for being so angry. I mean, in this regard, at this moment. So maybe it's better to focus on forgiving yourself for one thing at a time-- that is, more important to focus on forgiving yourself for the anger, than justifying, or explaining, the anger, which is a separate thing.
I mean, maybe you could just focus on forgiving yourself for being so angry-- whether it's justified or not. Because, when we try to forgive ourselves for being angry, we tend to start justifying it-- ie focussing on the other person-- when we need to simply forgive ourselves, ie focus on ourselves, and the feeling per se.
I know I might not be clear here. But I think it's really not important, as far as forgiving yourself, what your father did, or how awful or blameworthy he was. I think it's really just about forgiving yourself for-- being human, having feelings, being ashamed, being "weak"-- whatever it is that you have trouble accepting--and, especially, for being angry.
You can almost leave your father out of parts of it-- in order to be able to forgive yourself.
Forgiving him, and forgetting, or anything else-- you know-- it's almost another very difficult, taxing struggle. But you don't have to do everything at once.
I wish I could get this down better.
Honore
poster:Honore
thread:783062
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070916/msgs/783253.html