Posted by RealMe on September 15, 2007, at 23:07:31
In reply to Re: How do we really forgive ourselves? **csa trigger* » RealMe, posted by antigua3 on September 15, 2007, at 22:26:43
I am sorry for all that happened. That was not fair to you, and as I deal with my own csa, my therapist keeps bringing up my mother and how she did not protect me and tried to keep me all for herself. I don't totally understand but sort of do, and I don't like the notion that in her own way she was abusive too.
I never really knew my father other than to be a real jerk to put it mildly. He kicked my mother in the stomach when she was six months pregnant with me, and she almost lost me. Sometimes I think that would have been for the best. In any case, she left him then and there, and the divorce was finalized when I was 13 months old. I never saw much of my dad growing up, maybe one per year. He was an alcoholic and abusive. He re-married an alcoholic, and both eventually quit drinking. My mom never remarried or even dated again in her life. I think that is said given that she was only age 29 when they divorced. Her sisters all said she had children to take care, and that was that. So, when I wanted to go to college, the jerk father would not help me out. HE was willing to pay my brother's way through college. My father said borrow from my brother. Oh sure, the crasy physically and sexually abussive brother.
The doctor I had at Menninger's who was my hospital doctor while inpatient (different therapist) and who was my therapist as an outpatient was like a father to me. I loved that man, and I know he was really proud of me when I finished my postdoc and won the writing award. He was just beaming. I couldn't have had a better father. He really did literally save my life.
So, as I meander here, I do understand what you are saying. I guess I wonder if there has been anyone at all in your life who was more like a father than your real father?? I was able to get myself unstuck as you say with a male therapist who was like a good father figure. Now I have a therapist my age who is triggering all sorts of other stuff, and I don't want to talk to him about it.
So where is the anger??? It sounds like it is there if you let it be there. Until you can be angry, I don't see how you can really forgive. Perhaps I am wrong. And what does your mother say about him and his behavior toward you???
I truely am sorry for what you went through.
RealMe
poster:RealMe
thread:783062
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070904/msgs/783155.html