Posted by DAisym on May 29, 2008, at 20:09:19
In reply to Re: Same old thing, posted by Annierose on May 29, 2008, at 19:21:24
I took a deep breath today and told him that I think one of the reasons I've stopped talking about the abuse is because I'm having a weird response in my body. Everytime I try to talk about stuff, I have extreme fear in my stomach and what feels like arousal everywhere else. He used the word desire - I said no, I don't want sex with my mind, it feels more like a physical response. He asked me to describe the arousal - which was excruciating to do - I couldn't look at him at all. I wanted to use all the correct words I know from my training and they disappeared on me. I was left with basic stuff: tingles, wetness, erect nipples...oh, let me die now.
I know Dinah has talked about arousal in response to anxiety and I think mine is linked to fear and to a specific age state. My therapist agrees - it may be a conditioned response. He also believes that I feel safe enough to feel the stuck body memories even as I tell him that these feelings make me afraid of him. He asked specifically what I'm afraid of and it took everything I had to force out the truth - "that you'll expect sex from me at some point - and/or you'll be angry about these feelings, or disgusted and our work together will stop." Than I asked him to please not be insulted, I really do know that he won't ever hurt me.
He reassured me anyway, remind me how safe his office is and told me he wasn't disgusted or mad. But he said it is all mixed up for me - fear, arousal, needs and guilt. He wants me to start telling him when things are happening in my body as well as the feelings and thoughts that float in. He sort of indicated that I'm still really good at masking all that I'm feeling - except anxiety. I bounce my leg. Can't believe he's noticed that...I'll have to keep an eye on that.
It was one of those sessions that felt like it lasted forever, where I couldn't wait to leave I was so embarrassed and yet didn't want to leave now that I'd gathered my courage and opened this up. I don't suppose he is going to just pretend like I never told him any of this, is he?
It would help to hear how others have dealt with arousal during sessions - or even how you've talked about this subject with your therapist. What words DO you use? How much information is too much information?
Are there no end to these hard subjects?! Calgon...
poster:DAisym
thread:831829
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080524/msgs/831967.html