Posted by Dinah on June 3, 2008, at 13:20:00
Last Friday I walked in and knew something was wrong. But he looked innocently at me and said nothing was wrong. And while this wasn't the focus of the session, when I basically checked out of the session and he coaxed me back and encouraged me to say why I left (I was scared!) he repeated what is now my least favorite phrase. "I don't know how much I should tell you."
I don't think he'll ever be using that phrase again.
I called him after the session and left a slightly incoherent message about gaslighting and how if I noticed something was wrong, and it actually was, he shouldn't smile and say nothing was wrong. And about how the answer to that infuriating question was pretty easy. If it had to do with his feelings, he shouldn't say any more than he wants me to know. And that I respected that and was fine with it. What was his was his, to him, and none of my business. But if it had to do with stupid therapy rules, then he was making me pretty angry because this wasn't very therapeutic. I think I also mentioned the word coy.
Most of today's session was spent on my health and on my distress about Slinky.
But at the very end of the session I mentioned the call. He'd forgotten everything about it except the fact that I'd made it, of course.
I told him that he looked like Ernest Borgnine on Friday, not like himself. And I asked him if he'd felt heavy. He asked if I meant emotionally heavy, and when I said yes, admitted that yes he had. And insisted that he wasn't gaslighting me. I'd just asked a different question. That if I asked if anything was wrong, he'd have been honest in saying no he couldn't think of anything. But if I'd have asked if he felt heavy, he'd have said yes. But darn it, I can't find words for stuff that fast.
He also explained *that* phrase as meaning that he knew that I always panicked and took the slightest thing to mean that he was going to terminate me.
Ok, so here's the part that I don't need to be semi-psychic to figure out.
Later I said "You told me you were leaving town." He obviously startled and asked in alarm "I said that?!!" When I explained that he had told me that when he bought a house in a new town after the storm, he visibly relaxed.
I don't think I need any semi-psychic abilities on that one. He clearly was afraid he'd told me that recently, which means it must be an issue recently. He didn't sound bewildered. He sounded alarmed.
So now what? I'm tempted to start next session by casually and matter of factly asking what he suggests I do after he terminates me and see what happens.
The funny thing was that the session was warm and friendly and very positive. Even though I expressed anger with him. (I don't think he liked the word "coy" though.) We left on excellent terms.
Yet if he terminates me I'll hate him forever and ever and ever. Like Khan's final words...
poster:Dinah
thread:832701
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080524/msgs/832701.html