Posted by Dinah on June 4, 2008, at 9:31:09
In reply to Re: I don't have to be semipsychic for this one » Dinah, posted by 10derHeart on June 4, 2008, at 2:04:14
> Well, *you* clearly value that part of you, right?
Weeelllll..... Not always. I must confess that I'd just as soon it went away. Trouble is that it doesn't go away completely. It just makes my life difficult without that outlet and that recognition and having someplace to go and just be.
That part of me with my therapist around may think or wish to do outrageous things. But can say them to my therapist, have him accept them calmly, and then laugh and recognize how ridiculous they are.
Without my therapist, I DO the outrageous things, at least on occasion when there's a hostile takeover.
It's not that it's without any appeal. That part of me can be quite charming and caring with my therapist. But is rather less charming without him in my life. I saw it when he was gone, as well as before. I think that part of me really tries for a generosity of spirit, but can only manage it when its needs are being fulfilled.
(I'm only using third person because it's less confusing in writing. I always use first person in real life.)
> And you certainly aren't "no one."
>
> Maybe...you don't have to allows others - not even your most beloved T. - to decide when or if any part of you is no longer "valuable." Maybe only you get to decide that always?It's hard for me to maintain that stance without outside help. And even if I did, without my therapist it's natural for rational me to squeeze out emotional me without even trying. And feedback does matter.
When T3 says that I need to control and master my inner child I was offended on many fronts. Not least that I don't consider myself a child, and consider myself the true self not an inner self, with rational me being a false front. (sorry, had to use first person there. not sure why) And the way she said it pretty much meant repress. That hasn't worked at all for me, in that it leads to some pretty bad behaviors.
What T2 said was so bad that I can't even remember it.
My husband is not unlike rational me himself, and he doesn't at all like emotional me.
It's hard to maintain any positive sense of self with so much negative feedback.
>
> But, you know I understand the terror around the other T-word, you *know* I do.....((Dinah))
>
>I do know. I can't bear it. I thought I'd gotten over that point of view, but I haven't.
To make matters worse, I had two more flashes of true vertigo last night. I had thought I was getting better. I'm absolutely terrified of having another chronic condition, another one that requires dietary restriction, and one that has very much limited my ability to do things in the past week and that I assume will continue to limit my ability to even work, never mind paint or garden or even pick up after the dogs. So my desire to live isn't that strong right now. I have to quit thinking of the possibility of an unbearable loss.
poster:Dinah
thread:832701
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080524/msgs/832851.html