Posted by Happyflower on June 11, 2008, at 13:08:37
Hi everyone, sorry I havent been around, I have been having connection issues with my computer that hopefully will be resolved today. Story of my life connection issues. I called my old T today, and left a message that I would like to clear the air with him. He is on vacation so he wont get my message until Monday.
I talked to my T about my old T, about the mixed feelings I have about him, but I guess mostly it is feeling hurt and the fact that I do miss him terribly. When I see him at the gym, I am happy to see him but I also want to flip him off. But I think that is because I feel so much hurt. My T didnt know that I was planning on calling my old T up to see him. But after our session yesterday, I feel it is something I need to do. I think they might have been talking because my Ts attitude and what he said is way different than what he normally says for the past year. He said something to the effect that my old T is having trouble ending things with me in such a bad way. His ego is hurt because I have bad feelings towards him. Now my T could be guessing or he has got the idea from talking to him. But there are terms that my T used like my old T thinks I am delusional. Well that is a phrase that my old T used often, not something my current T has ever used.
My T called me today after I left him a message that I called my old T. He is also going on a short vacation. I dont think he thinks it is a good idea, that I might not get the peace I am looking for. I am prepared for the worst, for him to be a total *ss. But I am hoping the fact that I do know him and know myself that this might be healing for me. It has been almost a year since I fired him
I have a lot of good memories of him and I am saddened that the things in the end has left a bad taste in my mouth. I want to feel good knowing that I tell him how I feel before he dies, for my own sake. I dont want to hold a grudge about him like I did my band director, and now that he has took his life, there is some guilt there.
My T wants to see me before I see my old T, I think to desensitize some of my strong feelings I have. Well I think it is important for my old T to see how I really feel, not a numbed out session. I dont plan on going crazy on him or anything but I want to be able to feel.
I want to tell him how I still have that special feeling for him, a soulmate type of thing, and how he is still ingrained within me even today. But it is hard to feel good about that because of the hurt feelings. I dont know what will exactly happen, I plan not to plan too much, just go with my feelings. I am sure even being in his office will bring up some feelings. Any advice for me, you all have been on this long journey I have had with him?
poster:Happyflower
thread:834169
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080524/msgs/834169.html