Posted by Dinah on June 15, 2008, at 17:04:53
I had one of those ah-hah moments. That he's unilaterally changed the boundaries on me without explanation or discussion. It's not just his big secret. He also used to answer "how are you"'s with brief but real answers. Now he just says fine, or tired maybe, and that's it. He doesn't want to share any of his real life with me anymore. Not even the most innocuous stuff.
It doesn't sound that bad on the face of it. But I had just figured out that the reason therapy had gotten past the plateau we were stuck on because we had reached a stage of therapy where I was considering him as a human being, and not just my therapist/mommy. I even had mentioned that to him, in totally positive terms.
Now I see that I've totally regressed. With the fear of losing him, and the sudden turn to blank slate - which he never really was before - I've gone back to being dependent and clingy and totally obsessed. I'm even thinking in extreme terms about what I'd do if I lost him, when not too long ago I was thinking of easing away myself. All the advances of the last several years seem gone. Except that I can see what's happening. I guess that's an improvement of sorts.
I'm sure that he didn't intend it this way. I'm not quite sure why he has gone to this blank slate stuff, and I feel like if he's going to change the boundaries on me, he really ought to explain it. But I know he didn't intend to scare me, because he's annoyed with me for being scared. Or at least for how clingy and demanding and unreasonable I get when I'm scared. I know he didn't mean to do this to me.
Yet he did.
And if I ask him about it, he'll deny it, or pretend that he never used to briefly reply to my questions, or say that he doesn't know why he's changed. Or get mad at me.
I think I hate therapy. Therapists are always doing this. We see it again and again. Therapists decide the boundaries need to be moved, so they move them. They don't care how it affects us. He doesn't care that it's making me regress to where I was five or ten years ago.
He suggested the other day in what he said was a joking way, but I suspect was in anger, that I should quit before he terminated me. I know he didn't mean it. But I wonder if maybe he's right.
poster:Dinah
thread:834764
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080524/msgs/834764.html