Posted by garnet71 on June 29, 2009, at 21:47:29
So I've been fiercely independent most of my life. I remember the day when I left my son's father, at 23, feeling total freedom-freedom from anyone having control over me (parents, bf). It was one of the happiest days of my life. I remember the songs on the radio, the weather, the clothes I was wearing at the time...when I was 17, I had taken on being a mom, raising my step children, and handling all the finances and the house, working full time, but taking care of everyone in need; helping the kids with their homework, sports, being a mom and making all the household decisions...I've been proposed to several times, but never married; never felt it was right to give up my independence....
Since then, I've been mostly decisive and authoritative with work and personal affairs. However, over the past 3 years, my life has been falling apart. Psych meds I've taken for anxiety were debiliating; they brought me to the point where I could no longer function. As a result, my perfect credit i built over the years-now gone. Hundreds in parking tickets because I couldn't afford a parking pass at school. Instead of paying my mortgage, I had to buy books-$700 for summer semester-mostly online-as cheap as I could get them. I lost my health insurance, $thousands in bills, quit opening my mail., etc., etc. I feel immobilzed; stuck. Unable to cope. I have no motivatation, like there is a deficet of dopamine in my brain. I can't handle anything anymore, yet my mood has been good and optimistic since I quit taking SSRIs last December. I'm pushing aside all the stress...keeping it distant from my goals. Until I met this psychoanalyst...
So I meet this new PDoc/analyst; I decided to put 100% faith in him; before I met him, I had in my mind he would be the one who helps me get back to the person I once was--productive, resiliant, and able to cope with all and any stressors. he'd be the person who'd facilitate the transformation back to my 'old self'. I know it wasn't fair to him, but I had no idea I'd emotionally react to him in the way I did, with the attachment/trasnsference that overwhelms the ability to undergo therapy. I don't ever remember feeling needy in my lifetime; yet, I now feel like I need someone's help. Overwhelmingly. I feel powerless in my situation. I realize I sort of like feeling like I need someone now--him.
so I think psychotherapists are very uncomfortable with that level of dependency and attachment. It causes problems in the therapeutic relationship. I know he's uncomfortable with my feelings towards him; he's been trying to find other doctors for me to consult.
I had read such premature therapeutic attachments and feelings of dependency are indicative of underlying disorders. I read all of them, but nothing fits. The closest is Dependency Peronsality Disorder. Yet, I can only relate to a few symptoms. There is just something about him that makes me feel like a needy, little girl. I never felt this in all my life; I am just so confused. I think I like feeling that I need somebody; it's a pleasant feeling, yet I can't continue therapy with this doctor because of it.
What is going on with me? Can one suddenly develop a disorder based on life circumstances? I am confused. In the past, I have cringed at the thought of a psychiatrist having any control over my well-being. Now I feel so needy. is this who I always was, but hid/dissassociated from, or is this just temporary? Have I been a needy person in disguise all these years, or have I suddenly become unable to cope with life? What do I do? I am so confused right now.
poster:garnet71
thread:903860
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090614/msgs/903860.html