Posted by BarbaraCat on October 13, 2003, at 16:07:13
In reply to I Am Really, Really Scared, posted by galkeepinon on September 22, 2003, at 22:51:38
Hi Gal Sweetie,
Oh, how I can relate! I used to be a svelte 130lb dancer, hiked 15-20 miles without breaking a sweat, all this still while going through bouts of severe depression, but at least I looked good! But then a few years ago, maybe it was nearing 50 and hitting menopause and hormones slowing down, yada yada, I started losing muscle tone, energy and gaining weight at an alarming rate. This started happening even before the pork-o-genic Remeron scourge so I can't blame it on that, although the meds I currently take (lithium and lam) aren't helping. I simply didn't feel like exercising anymore and when I did I wasn't seeing results fast enough. I'm also hypothyroid and lithium exacerbates this, but still, things ain't happening as fast as they used to and I know I need to rev up my calorie expenditure through exercise.I periodically force myself because I know without any question that exercise is absolutely the most powerful medicine for my mood disorder. Even if I don't lose an ounce or an inch, I have to do it otherwise I'll descend into paralysis. Not fair. All that work and I'm still not going to parties where I know slender young thangs will be. I've put on 50 pounds in the past few years and I see the shock in friends/family's eyes who haven't seen me for awhile. It feels terrible.
Recently I went through a very lethargic phase, for almost 2 months where I rarely went outdoors. All these beautiful Indian summer days and I couldn't motivate to even sit out on the porch. Plus, my neglected garden was right there glaring at me. Even though I'm a health freak, do yoga, meditate, KNOW how crucial moving energy is, can preach this shit in my sleep, there was nothing I wanted to do, simply no energy or life force or interest - and I wasn't even particularly depressed. Dancing held no interest, seemed like too much work. Bouncing on my rebounder (which, incidentally, is the best and easiest method I've found, usually), walking was way too much of a bother - the shoes and the lacing up, forget it. All those exercise DVDs collecting dust, all the cute little weights and equipment that seemed like such a good idea just sitting there recriminating me. I mean, everything just seemed like too much friggin' hassle. I figured that if only I could somehow prod myself into just starting, it would take off on it's own momentum. But it was like I was encased in a block of ice and could not make that first effort.
But here's something. Recently, my hubby and I got a hot tub/spa. I have fibromyalgia and treated myself for the 'therapy rationale' (plus it can be a tax writeoff for anyone if you have a 'hydrotherapy' script from a health professional). Yesterday I got in it and stretched, got a good flow of chi and really kneaded and worked out those tense hard muscles. The warm water was just what I needed to make it appetizing instead of agonizing. It was really amazing at how much focus and energy I had afterwards and how I began just doing things, one thing leading to another. Energy is a downward/upward spiral and keeps going in the same direction until changed.
What I learned is this: when starting out again, exercise has to be done to body comfort and temperature and has to be very very easy and convenient. The idea of going outside while in my current state of discomfort is too unpalatable. I've been internally cold, probably my thyroid fluctuating, but I have to take into consideration that I'm cold and going out in the cold to exercise repulses me. The idea of walking, putting on clothes and shoes, summoning balance is anti-inspirational. My balance is off, my feet feel heavy and clumsy and my ligaments tight. Walking is just not enjoyable at this point and I won't do it. Oh, I'll most likely warm up as I get going and will feel much better shortly into it, but those first few minutes put me off and I simply am not willing to tolerate even a little discomfort and so don't make the effort unless I'm motivated to.
At the point where you're really in a downward spiral it has to be very very easy with no obstructions. For me, driving somewhere, walking somewhere, getting dressed are all barriers and beyond what I'm willing to bother with. But with something really easy I can summon up a bit of spark to attempt, like laying in bed and doing some stretches, toe wiggling, hand flexing, anthing will break that calcified energy enough to inspire the next action. Energy begets more energy and the smallest action will start the ball rolling. Getting into the bathtub or shower and doing simple no-brainer things like wrist circles, neck rolls, energized breathing is enough to start the momentum plus it feels good and is relaxing. Vigorous rubbing down with the towel afterwards gets the lymph flowing. After washing your hands, rub them together briskly to generate heat. That gets the entire body flooded with the fire of life. All these things start the process and will eventually inpire looking for further ways to step on the gas pedal.
Of course, if you can manage a real hot tub with those nice jets, that is a true gift. Stretching becomes a treat you look forward to. I'm looking forward to my next plunge (but darnit, the temp panel isn't working quite yet). But the smallest step leads to another. Even if it's simply being aware of your breathing and then increasing the volume and pace and then shaking your hands while you bounce a little on your chair or bed will get the energy moving.
I know, I know, just starting is the biggest obstacle, like that oh yuck feeling of diving into water even though you know it'll feel good. It's almost like there's something in us that just insists 'ain't gonna move, don't wanna, bug off'. But eventually and with intention it will break up. You may not have the requisite willingness now but to keep repeating 'I'm willing to be willing' works.
BTW, I asked my doc the other day about giving me something, anything cause I too was concerned. He said nothing really works except expending more calories through exercise than you take in through food. Sigh. I knew that. - Barbara
poster:BarbaraCat
thread:262536
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20030903/msgs/269022.html