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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by ruby on July 6, 2003, at 21:19:06
boy i'm hesitant to discuss this but its something i've wanted to discuss for awhile, so here goes.
when i started seeing my t, i saw him as a body/energy worker. my friend, who is a masseuse was working with him and recommended him. he was doing this kind of work in his small studio apt.--not unusual here in the city. then after about 2 years, he did a major renovation, combining two apts into an office and an apt. for awhile we were displaced but then when the work was done, we went back to working in the apartment part of his set up, doing body/energy work.
well, that stuff got so intense, we couldn't do it any more and began to work in a much more traditional therapy way, which we've been doing for about 2 years now. and he really is a GREAT therapist.
so here is the weird part: we continue to meet in his apt and not in his office...so when i am in session i am always staring at his bed, which is right behind him. weird, right? i've mentioned it to him as being weird, especially as we are beginning to discuss sexual issues, and he said of course it is weird...but didn't offer to move our sessions into his office.
i don't feel scared at all; i feel very safe with him but it does bother me to be staring at his bed all the time...especially since he just recently revealed to me he was married, that he had gotten married two years ago while i was working with him and i never even knew. boy have i felt jealous of her. btw, she mostly doesn't live with him in this space as she has a house in the suburbs and that is where he goes on weekends..
anyway, occasionally when we've had to change our appts. we have met in his office office (not his living space) and he wears different clothes, different shoes--and our time is limited to 50 minutes and i go out a different door so i don't see whoever is waiting to see him next.
when we meet in there, i miss meeting him in his apt. b/c i feel special there and i miss all the cool stuff he has set out on his coffee table--stones and feathers and stuff like that which i usually touch and move around or hold. so i like being there...i just don't like his bed there. i almost want to buy him a screen so he can set it up between him and his bed--but then i know i'd manage to peek at his bed anyway.
okay, so is this way to weird? anybody else have any experiences like this? one more thing--he has kept his fee incredibly low for me--basically whatever i pay is okay with him, which might mean $20 or $5...when i got up the courage to talk to him about that, he said not to worry...that he takes on a few patients that way and that other patients he charges $200 a visit...and that is his concern.
he's an amazing guy and therapist (he's also an rn) and mostly i think that there are always going to be weirdnesses in any relationship, not to mention ts and pdocs. (don't let me go one about my pdoc, that is another long story, but she is excellent too).
anyway i know this is long and rambling. just wonder if any of you have any thoughts about this situation. i'm not thinking of leaving, though i am thinking about asking if we could move to his office--but would that change things and would i be less special and would i have to pay more and would he wear his dress-up clothes and would our sessions have to be only 50 minutes.......yikes! LOL!!!
Posted by fallsfall on July 6, 2003, at 22:16:22
In reply to seeing my t in his apt., posted by ruby on July 6, 2003, at 21:19:06
You have told us a lot. I had two reasonably strong reactions, so let me talk about those.
The bed. I think that would be strange to be looking at anyone's bed during a professional appointment. I remember going to a job interview at one of the local hotels. There I was, trying to be (look and sound) professional and there was a bed over there. I found it disconserting. If the two of you traded seats, then you couldn't see his bed. I don't know if that it practical given the space. I would think that if you requested not to be able to see his bed that he should accomodate you. But, as you say, this might send you into the office.
The second issue is the fee. When therapists makes special arrangements (low fee, no charge for missed session, waive fee during financial crisis) for a client, both the client and the therapist have feelings associated with the "specialness". I almost never miss a session (1 every 3 years or so), and my therapist didn't charge me for the missed sessions (she could "understand" how I missed the session). Until the last one. She called me, and I didn't realize that I had an appointment then. A couple of days later I got a letter telling me that I had a $25 charge for the missed session (her regular fee is $105). I was crushed. She had always understood my problems and sided with me. Now she was on the other side and I felt betrayed. Intellectually I knew that she was quite justified (and even could have charged more), but emotionally it really destroyed me. When I started thinking about it I thought about the second time I missed the session. I was doing really poorly, barely making it out of bed. It was an 8AM appointment, so it must have been just after I stopped working. She called and woke me up. I didn't know what day it was (honestly). Once we got me to understand what day it was (I kept saying "but my appointment is on Wednesday". It was Wednesday) she said "Well, I know that you are feeling really poorly right now". She had lots of sympathy - almost pity - in her voice. Looking back, she should have had more detachment than that. That let me think I was more important to her than was right. I guess in some ways it is like letting one child know that s/he is your favorite. It makes everything more complicated than it needs to be. I'm concerned that if you think that you aren't paying him a reasonable amount, then you will feel that you have to do something (work extra hard, be more honest than you are comfortable with, agree with him when you don't really agree, all the way up to sleep with him) that you don't want to do. He could also feel the wrong way (pity, feeling that he is "saving" you, feeling omnipotent).
I've just read a lot that says that special fees are a real problem for the therapy.
That was long winded!!!!
But if I were in your shoes, I would want to stay special. I wouldn't want to go to the office, I wouldn't want to pay full fee, I wouldn't want the time restrictions. But, as I said, the literature says that those are all a problem.
I wish you the best - these are complicated issues.
Posted by ruby on July 7, 2003, at 10:11:36
In reply to Re: seeing my t in his apt. » ruby, posted by fallsfall on July 6, 2003, at 22:16:22
yep, to all that you've said...even including the interview in the hotel room. in my field, that is almost standard and i can remember one time being in 5 different hotel rooms for 5 different interviews and for one, they asked me to sit on the bed.....oy.
anyway, i hear everything you are saying. it really does feel like i need to "professionalize" our appts/rel-ship for my own sake. the good thing is i {think} i can talk about this stuff with him and that he'll listen.
i've a problem finding ts that are dicey with boundaries--one i saw for 2 or 3 years talked a lot about herself and then her brother started dating a friend of me (weird, weird)...i didn't tell her but then in a session she started talking about her brother's dating habits...and that was it, i couldn't see her any more.
basically, perhaps like many of us, i HATE therapy...am always hating it, going each time is a struggle for me so i think i almost need to see someone who is a bit flexible helps me get there and do what i need to do.
anyway, thanks for your long and thoughtful response. it is helpful in gauging what is going on in me and between t and i. when i see him tomorrow i may bring this stuff up...though is so much other stuff going on it may be lower on the priority list....wish may be an issue in and of itself. oy, again.
Posted by judy1 on July 7, 2003, at 15:55:59
In reply to seeing my t in his apt., posted by ruby on July 6, 2003, at 21:19:06
There are some major boundary issues here (the bedroom and fees) and it is indeed a 'slippery slope' and one I have been on in the past. From a person with experience- run don't walk to another therp. I truly understand being 'special', but it's taking me years to recover from my experience with a shrink who crossed boundaries, and I truly wouldn't wish that on anyone. I hope you are able to discuss this with another therapist and understand what is really going on.
take care, judy
Posted by ruby on July 7, 2003, at 19:50:00
In reply to Re: seeing my t in his apt. » ruby, posted by judy1 on July 7, 2003, at 15:55:59
i hear what you are saying judy and... i don't think it is as black and white as you suggest.
he has been incredibly professional in all other matters--laughs with me when i talk about how i feel "special" because of our arrangements and uses it all in helping me.
and i know i only have to say the word about moving into his office and it would be a done deal--and something we'd continue to discuss.
i understand your concerns, i have them myself, and i have deep respect for this man--and i'm not about to go elsewhere...especially since 1) i've just recently become attached to him and 2) i'm in the middle of a deep depression--not a good time to make a move and 3) if i stopped seeing him, it is highly unlikely i would look for someone else. i've had too many bad t experiences in the past--in fact, this is my first good experience...
so even with the issues i've raised, i guess i've realized, in this exchange, how important it is that i stay working with him and pursue these areas of difficulty.
thanks so much for your kind,concerned and thoughtful response--it surely has helped me think through these matters.
ruby
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