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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pretty_paints on July 20, 2004, at 12:07:24
hello again all, I thought Id add this in a different post to my last one, as its kind of a separate issue.
I was diagnosed with severe depression at xmas and am now on 300mg efexor. I started pyschotherapy about a month ago and thats going ok I guess.
The thing is, I cant get this idea of "recovered memories" out of my head. Do you know what I mean? Part of me is worried that something horrendous HAS happened in my past but that Iv forgotten it somehow. And then another part of me just thinks, thats ridiculous because I (or anyone else I know, friends/family etc) can remember any incident along these lines.
You see in theory, I was kinda all made up. I got all my grades, went off travelling for a while etc etc and then started at cambridge. And all looked hunky-dory, and everything seemed fine to me. And then all of a sudden, I had some trigger (a tragedy happened to a mate) and suddenly I'm hurtling down to rock bottom, cant eat or walk or talk or get out of bed or ANYTHING. And even now, July, its still going on, although nowhere near as bad. I'v been on some different meds etc and thats all ticking along.
I do have some worries yes, but part of me just feels that they dont JUSTIFY feeling so suicidal (not now, at xmas I mean). It doesnt add up to me. My pdoc thinks its a mostly "chemical" thing and that once im stabilised on meds, it'll all be okay. I see my therapist twice a week, which Iv found too much so I'm gonna go down to once a week.
Anyway, point is, Iv been reading and reading about this issue of "recovered memories" online. Where people who have previously been fine, suddenly dip and then in therapy they discover how they were abused as children or whatever. HOWEVER there is just as much info on this "false memory syndrome", people wanting to have something specific to explain away their depression. Basically I dont want to go one way or the other. I am obviously not saying "I hope I was abused", but at the same time I don't want to just dose up on meds and feel fine and then find that the depression returns and returns because I havent dealt with issues.
So really what I'm looking for is anyone here who has had any experience of a similar situation. I feel a bit sick in a way, my family are treating me like I'v gone mad because it seems to them like I'm wanting there to be some horrible experience! Of course that is not it. I just want to do my best to understand things. Does that make sense? Has anyone been in a similar situation to me, where there hasnt been a particularly obvious cause to their depression? It seems to me that quite a lot of people know quite clearly what their issues are.
So yeh...
1-Has anyone felt in a similar situation to me?
2-What was the outcome, did you recover any memories or did you come to realise it wasnt linked to a particular event?
3-If you did recover memories: did you have ANY clue AT ALL that you had been through a bad experience, or were you completely blank on it?
4-Are there any clues to look out for?
5-How do these recovered memories come back to you? Through dreams? Flashbacks? During therapy?
I know this is quite a hotly-disputed topic. From reading a lot of posts, I know most of you guys are very knowledgeable on things like this, so I figured you would be the best people to ask!! My inckling is that it is actually quite rare for somebody to have absolutely no knowledge of some experience and then to have the whole thing suddenly fly out at them. So I guess what I'm really hoping for is that I can lay my worries on this issue to rest, and concentrate on what else could be causing my depression.Thanks to anyone who does tell me about their experiences. I realise it is a difficult thing for people to talk about. so I appreciate it! a lot! Oh this whole thing is so hard, it feels like I'm trying to solve some massive cryptic puzzle, with only a silly broken brain to help me!
Thanks - and sorry about the very long post xx
Posted by B2chica on July 20, 2004, at 13:03:34
In reply to recovered memories...?, posted by pretty_paints on July 20, 2004, at 12:07:24
> So yeh...
> 1-Has anyone felt in a similar situation to me?a little bit.
>>2-What was the outcome, did you recover any memories or did you come to realise it wasnt linked to a particular event?
sorry, have to give a history first.
last couple years have been pretty crazy, last summer i experiences two months of Horrible depression, then mania shot in spades went to doc and he Dx with bipolar, i think the things happening sort of "kick-started" these extreme rollercoasters. i have had them when i was younger too but maybe not quite lasting as long as they did.
anyhow, was Dx with Bipolar2 in oct. and adhd in feb., in march i ended up in the hospital for 2 'lovely' weeks. it was here that they told me to get a T appt. so i did (per order of Hosp).
Now, i had this one memory that i thought, well while i'm here i should talk about it...i couldn't and couldn't, but by just going there and him asking some questions i would go home and have delayed breakdowns, this is where the memory thing comes in. Even though i didn't remember these things i started having "visuals"-i think same as flashbacks starting to happen. some i was as old as 15. Things i wish to god i couldn't see right now. but when these 'visuals' came up i couldn't make them go away for anything. i still haven't talked about them and not sure when i can but....to make a long story short, once i started therapy, i started to have these flashback, visual, memory things come to me -never when i'm with my T of course its always when i'm alone, and get freaked out about them.> 3-If you did recover memories: did you have ANY clue AT ALL that you had been through a bad experience, or were you completely blank on it?
NO CLUE, i Completely forgot about them!! but once i saw the pictures...i feel, i think in my heart i know their real. cuz i have emotions come back with them and sometimes even smells.
> 4-Are there any clues to look out for?
i'm not sure about any clues and i'm no expert in these things but i would say that try to touch on a variety of subjects in therapy, if you have these, something will trigger them. also if there's a chunk of time that you can not remember anything about you should maybe dig into that...but ask your T first, you don't want to go there if you're not ready. I don't want anyone to go over the edge cuz of anything i've said, remember i'm NO PSYCHOLOGIST person.
> 5-How do these recovered memories come back to you? Through dreams? Flashbacks? During therapy?i think dreams maybe kick start some. flashbacks yes. and Dang it all, Never during therapy...i'm always delayed and i need him SO badly when these come...i wish i could control that if nothing else. However, some people definatly get them during therapy because of discussions and such.
However, i would try to get leveled on medications first and remember the first one may not be the golden egg you're looking for. you may have to try different dosages or diffent med/combos and such. please give yourself time and take care of yourself.
-and Most importantly - trust your instincts. you know yourself best.take care.
B2c.
Posted by AuntieMel on July 20, 2004, at 13:13:26
In reply to recovered memories...?, posted by pretty_paints on July 20, 2004, at 12:07:24
I think a lot of people look for reasons to explain their depression. Which is not to say that 'recovering memories' doesn't happen, just that I think the real thing is rarer than it seems.
I have four female cousins (in the same family) and two of them 'recovered' memories of abuse by my uncle. The other two don't believe that it really happened, but understand that to them it *feels* like it happened. Their mom is angry and won't discuss it. My uncle died several years before this all came up, so he can't defend himself. As a kid (through early teens) I spent a lot of time with them over summers and I don't remember anything strange. Last I heard it was all still a mess.
A couple of years ago, my sister called me. She was in therapy and her doc told her she had all the symptoms of an abused child even though she didn't remember any of it - and suggested she call me to ask if I remembered anything. So I get a phone call 'has dad ever sexually abused us? I laughed and laughed before answering 'that would have actually required touch wouldn't it?' She hung up with a 'never mind.'
So anyway....do I think it happens? Sure, I watched Sybil and it was a true story. But I think the abuse has to be really severe to completely mask it. Do I think it's common? Nah. No way. Nix. Only in the movies.
And if your shrink starts to head that direction, there is nothing wrong in asking WHY he's doing so.
Posted by karen_kay on July 20, 2004, at 23:58:58
In reply to Re: recovered memories...? » pretty_paints, posted by AuntieMel on July 20, 2004, at 13:13:26
hun, let me get back to you on a better day. promise i will, ok.
Posted by B2chica on July 21, 2004, at 9:17:43
In reply to Re: recovered memories...?, posted by karen_kay on July 20, 2004, at 23:58:58
Posted by karen_kay on July 21, 2004, at 12:15:15
In reply to recovered memories...?, posted by pretty_paints on July 20, 2004, at 12:07:24
i decided since today's not really better, why ruin a good day in the future, right? (and thank you b2c for the concern. it's appreciated dear.)
you know, the first day i starteed therapy, the first thing i said wsa 'say what you will about my mother, but my father was a saint.' i meant that in my heart too. i must have forgotten that he abused my older sister. i must have forgotten that when i did it, i knew he did it. i still don't remember what happened for most of my childhood. i'm glad for that. if i see a picture of myself as a child, i can't tell you if i'm 3 or 10 in that picture. but, there are some things i remember. i'd really rather not go into details. (if you think it'll somehow help you though, i will.) and i've often had dreams about my father. i started remembering pretending to be asleep at night.
can i stop for now? for me, i lost much of my childhood memories...most actually. i couldn't relate to that little girl. or maybe i still feel like thta little girl? and i as an adult wsa afraid to close my eyes in the shower. and was afdraid to go to sleep, not just because of the dark, not just because of the nightmares. adn i was afraid something was coming to get me. i was always afraid.
honestly, i had no idea in the world this was what it was. i wish to god it still wasn't. but, i undcerstand you looking for a reason for what's happening. i hope you find the answers you are looking for sweetie.
Posted by Ilene on July 21, 2004, at 19:14:39
In reply to recovered memories...?, posted by pretty_paints on July 20, 2004, at 12:07:24
What convinced me that recovered memories are largely false is that Holocaust survivors, even children, always remembered what they had gone through.
Also, I tend to be over-emotional about some things. I used to look for a reason. I eventually decided it was part of my depression. I can see how someone who is trying to "get at the root of the problem" would conclude that there must be more than meets the eye if an emotional reaction seems excessive.
Posted by daisym on July 21, 2004, at 20:12:13
In reply to Re: recovered memories...?, posted by Ilene on July 21, 2004, at 19:14:39
This is such a hotly debated topic but a couple of things.
Sybil turned out to be mostly fiction. Not that DID doesn't exist, but the story of Sybil was embellished. Which has hurt the credibility of so many other people.
As far as Holocaust victims, the research shows that children who are harmed by those who are supposed to be protecting them, or nurturing them, like parents, causes such confusion and conflicting emotions that they dissociate in order to survive. Most of the Holocaust victims were abused by "the enemy" and had comfort and compassion from their family and friends. Not that they didn't face extreme horrors. But the psychology was different.
Not all abuse requires touching. Some of it is an atmosphere of fear and oppression. Sometimes it can be things said, porno shown, etc. What might feel abusive to one person, might not to another. There is no scale of "bad," "really bad," and "horrible." It isn't all sexual either. And it doesn't always happen at home, at night or in isolation.
That said, I think most children who are abused remember parts and pieces. A year ago I would have told you that I've ALWAYS known EXACTLY what happened to me. But I was wrong. Turns out it started sooner and ended later and got more horrible than I "knew." And recently I found out that it happened to my little sister. We've never spoken about it, even now. So I didn't tell her, and she didn't tell me. If she had called me up and asked, I don't know that I would have admitted it to her.
How does it show up? I think it is different for everyone. It clicks in while you are talking about it, or you dream it, or you flashback into it. Often you get pictures before feelings. Or your body remembers. Or you figure out that 1 + 1 = 4...so something is missing.
I want to caution you though that even if you get the "aha!" you are looking for...it won't take the depression and pain a way. It is likely to make it worse, at least for a while. I really, really, really wanted to believe in catharsis. That I could let it all out and it would go away. It just doesn't work like that.
Your Therapist should not lead the discussion into abuse. He/she might ask questions but to interpret any comment you make is what has led to so many false memory accusations. The general guide lines are that the client leads and the therapist asks for clarifications and then restates and perhaps reframes.
I'm sorry you are struggling with this. It is a horrible thing to wonder about. I hope you feel safe enough to keep asking questions, both in therapy and here.
Posted by B2chica on July 22, 2004, at 9:43:32
In reply to Re: recovered memories...?, posted by daisym on July 21, 2004, at 20:12:13
Posted by pegasus on July 22, 2004, at 13:01:57
In reply to Re: recovered memories...?, posted by daisym on July 21, 2004, at 20:12:13
This is the end of the thread.
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