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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by fairywings on December 9, 2005, at 10:47:39
Over the past year I've been retreating more and more. Now I can't bring myself to put up Christmas decorations,go to the holiday concerts and activities with the kids, or help with class parties. I realized from a post that Poet made yesterday that I think some of my problem with the holidays is that my mom had to have everything look so perfect to outsiders, but everyone in our house miserable. My dad made the holidays more a time of fear and dread than peace and joy.
Then, Last week at my T appt. we talked about some things I've never discussed; I left him with some information I've never told anyone except my husband. Now I feel sick, like maybe I want to take it all back, but I can't. Now I don't feel so great. I know I'm short with my older son, and I know it hurts his feelings. I hurt "inside" all the time, I don't feel like making the effort to look nice, I can't make myself run my errands, or keep the house the way I normally do. Toward the afternoon and evening I feel really tired, I tend to isolate myself in my bedroom, I go to bed to "rest" and can't get up, and I've been asking my husband to do things I think I should be doing. Then I feel so guilty about all of it. I feel like a horrible mom. I know it must be a bit of sadness or depression, but I can't seem to shake it long enough to put on a good face for my kids.
I don't want my kids to see me feeling this way, I don't want them to have the crazy mom, or to grow up and remember me this way. I don't want to be so moody around them all the time, I don't want my husband to think I'm sick or I'm a burden. I want to be able to hide this from my kids because I don't want to ruin their holidays or birthdays. How do I hide this just from the time they get home from school until they go to bed?
It also makes me nervous because it's so hard for me to tell my husband how I feel, and he doesn't get it anyway. When I was suicidal, he was kind and listened to me, but now it horrifies me that he left to go to work, and left me with our toddler. Not that I would have ever hurt him, but if I'd done anything to myself, what would've happened to him? I'm not suicidal now, so I'm not worried about that, but it's just that he had no concept of just how it feels. Then again, I hate it when he says I'm sick, or that I need help. I feel so pathetic. How do I help him understand? He's never felt depressed, so I don't know how to convey it?
fw
Posted by happyflower on December 9, 2005, at 11:26:38
In reply to How do you hide it?, posted by fairywings on December 9, 2005, at 10:47:39
Yes, you do seem depressed, and I guess if others have never experienced it, it would be hard to understand it. It is very disabling I think.
I think our T 's have a tough month now, the holidays bring up so many memories for us and not all are happy.
I was doing fine, until the after Thanksgiving, it is harder and harder to put on a happy face for the kids when I am totally miserable being with my DH. I just want to go outside and scream at the top of my lung, I need love, I want love, why doesn't anyone love me? I have a huge heart of love to give, why doesn't my DH want me? What did I ever do? It is getting harder and harder to hide my feelings.
I totally relate to what you feel FW, I am going through it. I have my tree up, the kids kinda of forced us to do it. BUt there are a ton of boxes of stuff that needs to brought out and decorated. But they just stay there unopened, making me feel even worse. I used to love this time of year, but this year, I just want to pull the covers over my head until it is all over. Life sometimes really suck. I guess we can make it together day by day, FW. Email me all you like, I sent you one yesterday. Keep in touch, and we will make it.
Posted by B2chica on December 9, 2005, at 11:27:10
In reply to How do you hide it?, posted by fairywings on December 9, 2005, at 10:47:39
oh dear fairywings. First thing...don't hide it. don't deny yourself your feelings. there have been many years where i just can't put up any decorations, it was hard this year all i did was the nativity scene. but my husband put up lots of other stuff.
that 'sick' feeling you have may feel awful but i'm sure it's good. it's like (excuse the metaphor) throwing up. it may feel awful but afterwards you get better.
telling this secret was good. it was just roting inside you. this also shows that you trust your T enough to let this out. keep it going, keep discussing it till it no longer feels icky (medical term).i doubt your kids think they have a crazy mom. but kids see right through stuff. let them know that it's ok, that mommy just doens't feel that well lately. that you feel a little sad. if your husband loves you he won't think your a burden.
i think unless you've been clinically depressed you really don't know what it's like. so let him know that, let him know that what you need is not total understanding of what your going through but patience is what you need, loving supportive words. and maybe some extra help with the kids or housework for a while.
are you on any meds? you don't have to keep feeling this way. many people go on meds in the winter (around holidays and sometimes just the weather) then can go off them in spring. please talk to your pdoc or Gp.
please take care of yourself
b2c.
Posted by daisym on December 9, 2005, at 11:55:13
In reply to How do you hide it?, posted by fairywings on December 9, 2005, at 10:47:39
I think the first time I told I spent most of the weekend in bed. I left the session and threw up. You are dealing with old fear here. Like any poison it makes you sick.
This is going to feel harsh, please don't take it that way. And remember I could be projecting totally.
I think kids can hear "mommy doesn't feel well" but the truth is kids are self-centered and have certain expectations of their mom. They can only understand so much. And they are not equipped to shoulder the worry that comes with a sick parent. So, I think you do as much as you can to keep things normal. You take short cuts that don't matter and you certainly ask them to pitch in and help. But if you have to choose between making dinner and vacuuming the rug -- make dinner. Do the things that most effect the kids first.
Believe me, I understand the Christmas decoration thing. I don't have one up yet. But I have a kid who is excited about Christmas and I will have to find a way to get at least a minimum done. My plan is to have the boys pull stuff out and together we will put it around. I'm shopping on line and baking like crazy! Of course my kids are older so this might not work for you. But I have found that forcing myself to get a little done makes me feel better.
As far as husbands go. I don't know yours. And mine has lots to deal with himself. But it has been my experience that he doesn't understand how debilitating the depression can be and that I'm saving my energy for work and the kids. He feels left out and frustrated because he can't fix me. He feels neglected too and therapy is somewhat threatening for him. Saying he shouldn't feel this way is simplistic. He does. So I've tried to stop railing against what I wish he would feel. In the end, I know I can't control his feelings. But you are asking directly for what you need. You can't do more than that. You can just sometimes push yourself a little to give him what he needs to. And if you can't, you can't. Little things might make a difference - like sitting in the den with him instead of in the bedroom.
It *is* hard to have responsibilities and not feel up to taking care of them. Just remember, if kids know you love them, that goes a long way to cover for whatever else you aren't doing for them. So tell them. Hug them. And let them hug you.
Don't you wish we could all just gather together and come over and decorate each other's houses? Life would be so much easier.
Posted by fairywings on December 9, 2005, at 13:37:25
In reply to Re: How do you hide it?, posted by happyflower on December 9, 2005, at 11:26:38
> I was doing fine, until the after Thanksgiving, it is harder and harder to put on a happy face for the kids when I am totally miserable being with my DH. I just want to go outside and scream at the top of my lung, I need love, I want love, why doesn't anyone love me? I have a huge heart of love to give, why doesn't my DH want me? What did I ever do? It is getting harder and harder to hide my feelings.I'm so sorry hf, ((((hugs))). You are very loveable, and deserve to be loved. Those are great things to tell your T, I"m sure he'd be great with helping you. I can feel what you're feeling by the way you put it here.
> I totally relate to what you feel FW, I am going through it. I have my tree up, the kids kinda of forced us to do it. BUt there are a ton of boxes of stuff that needs to brought out and decorated. But they just stay there unopened, making me feel even worse.The guilt is overwhelming, isn't it?
>I used to love this time of year, but this year, I just want to pull the covers over my head until it is all over.
Hibernate? Me too.
>Life sometimes really suck. I guess we can make it together day by day, FW. Email me all you like, I sent you one yesterday. Keep in touch, and we will make it.
We will, and thanks hf, you're the best.
fw
Posted by happyflower on December 9, 2005, at 13:43:25
In reply to Re: How do you hide it?, posted by fairywings on December 9, 2005, at 13:37:25
>
> > I was doing fine, until the after Thanksgiving, it is harder and harder to put on a happy face for the kids when I am totally miserable being with my DH. I just want to go outside and scream at the top of my lung, I need love, I want love, why doesn't anyone love me? I have a huge heart of love to give, why doesn't my DH want me? What did I ever do? It is getting harder and harder to hide my feelings.
>
> I'm so sorry hf, ((((hugs))). You are very loveable, and deserve to be loved. Those are great things to tell your T, I"m sure he'd be great with helping you. I can feel what you're feeling by the way you put it here.
>
:) Thank you for the hugs and kind thoughts, FW. My T and I talked about all of this last session since I was feeling so down and depressed. He hasn't seen me like that for months, so maybe that is why he was urging me to do something about it concerning my DH. I want be loved, some day, maybe it will come true, becasue somedays I start to loss hope, like I must not derserve it. My parents didn't love me, and now my DH doesn't, it is hard to hold on sometimes, ya know.
Posted by happyflower on December 9, 2005, at 13:45:12
In reply to Re: How do you hide it?, posted by happyflower on December 9, 2005, at 13:43:25
Posted by fairywings on December 9, 2005, at 13:47:44
In reply to Re: you don't..., posted by B2chica on December 9, 2005, at 11:27:10
> oh dear fairywings. First thing...don't hide it. don't deny yourself your feelings. there have been many years where i just can't put up any decorations, it was hard this year all i did was the nativity scene. but my husband put up lots of other stuff.
I'm hoping that maybe this weekend I can get the kids and husband to do some things, and bake cookies, so the kids have good memories. I really want that for them.
> that 'sick' feeling you have may feel awful but i'm sure it's good. it's like (excuse the metaphor) throwing up. it may feel awful but afterwards you get better.I often feel like I'm going to vomit emotionally, so it's a good metaphor. I hope it feels better, emotional vomiting takes a lot longer.
> telling this secret was good. it was just roting inside you. this also shows that you trust your T enough to let this out. keep it going, keep discussing it till it no longer feels icky (medical term).
Watch those medical terms with me B2, sometimes they go right over my head. ; ) I know telling my T was good, because it's something I never talk about to anyone except my husband. I have huge problems with trust, and it feels really good to trust him.
> i doubt your kids think they have a crazy mom. but kids see right through stuff. let them know that it's ok, that mommy just doens't feel that well lately. that you feel a little sad. if your husband loves you he won't think your a burden.
>
I hate my kids walking around like they're on eggshells, I tell them I don't feel well, and that it doesn't have anything to do with them. My husband is great, but how much can one person tolerate? He asks what he can do, so that's good. He's very patient, don't know if I'd be so, as much as he is with me.> are you on any meds?
I am, but not for this. Will see how it goes, and if it lifts b4 I see pdoc again.
Thanks B2. ; )
fw
Posted by fairywings on December 9, 2005, at 13:57:20
In reply to Re: How do you hide it? » fairywings, posted by daisym on December 9, 2005, at 11:55:13
> I think the first time I told I spent most of the weekend in bed. I left the session and threw up. You are dealing with old fear here. Like any poison it makes you sick.
That's the way I feel, so I guess that's what it takes.
>
> This is going to feel harsh, please don't take it that way. And remember I could be projecting totally.I completely appreciate your honesty daisy, it makes me see that even though I feel really yucky and as though I can't drag myself, I have to do it because there are other things that matter.
> Believe me, I understand the Christmas decoration thing. I don't have one up yet. But I have a kid who is excited about Christmas and I will have to find a way to get at least a minimum done. My plan is to have the boys pull stuff out and together we will put it around.
This is a good idea, I am going to try to do this with the family this weekend, but keep it w/in what I can handle putting back.
>I'm shopping on line and baking like crazy! Of course my kids are older so this might not work for you. But I have found that forcing myself to get a little done makes me feel better.
I have done most of my shopping online. I"m so glad I can. I'm going to have the kids bake this weekend, because they like to do that.
> He feels left out and frustrated because he can't fix me. He feels neglected too and therapy is somewhat threatening for him. Saying he shouldn't feel this way is simplistic. He does. So I've tried to stop railing against what I wish he would feel. In the end, I know I can't control his feelings.
I"m sorry there's no energy left daisy, you have so much going on, and so much to deal with, and you have a very realistic attitude about what you can't do, and that you can't change him. I guess that's good to be reminded of now and then.
>But you are asking directly for what you need. You can't do more than that. You can just sometimes push yourself a little to give him what he needs to. And if you can't, you can't. Little things might make a difference - like sitting in the den with him instead of in the bedroom.
Fortunately my husband doesn't feel left out, but he might feel overtaxed, so I will have to push myself to be more available.
>
> It *is* hard to have responsibilities and not feel up to taking care of them. Just remember, if kids know you love them, that goes a long way to cover for whatever else you aren't doing for them. So tell them. Hug them. And let them hug you. Don't you wish we could all just gather together and come over and decorate each other's houses? Life would be so much easier.Thanks daisy, you make things so much more clear.
fw
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