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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by OzLand on July 20, 2007, at 22:09:15
I was tired when I got home from work, and I read emails and then looked at Babble and wrote some things and in one tended to ramble on about all sorts of things. Then I went to deal with some emails from my UU congregation, and I am on the Board and chair of planning social events, and, and, and. It occured to me when I read some of the emails that there sure is a lot of conflict and manuvering and manipulating behind the scenes. My husband has complained of this, but I like some of the women who have become friends. So, I see before me how things really are with all the conflict, and maybe they just wanted me on the Board to be a rubber stamp, and maybe they thought we will let me do all the work to plan social activites. We are very small; only 65 members and we have visiting presenters for services, etc. Even my husband has presented. I missed one of his becuase I did the damn ECT.
So, now I feel like crap and want to cry and think what is the point of living. Don't worry anyone; I have no intention of killing myself. I just feel like I want to crawl in a hole and hide away for a week or two. How can this be to feel so different in just a couple of hours. No wonder my T/pdoc thinks I should consider more meds. I could really take my self down and down and down some more very fast. Damn; maybe I should try the lithium and abilify. I can't take the Resirdal he wanted me to take as I had a very bad experience with a low dose of it a year ago, and he does not want to give me something that will be sedating. I think I will email him and explain that maybe we should consider the extra meds besides Parnate. Or maybe I should just sleep on it and see how I feel tomorrow. Sorry for the crappy all of a sudden mood.
Ozland
Posted by muffled on July 20, 2007, at 22:52:05
In reply to All of a sudden; depression/pain; what happened?, posted by OzLand on July 20, 2007, at 22:09:15
Sorry you feeling bad Oz :-(
Sometimes I seem to fall, I can feel myself sliding into the pit. But then I seem to mostly come out again. I think I always kinda partway in, and sometimes I slip a chunk further. But again, I seem to magically come back. I dunno. I not on meds cept xanax. Sometimes I take seroquel, it works but I get the munchies SO bad, and its sedating and I already tired alot.
Sigh.
Hope you can scrabble your way back outta the hole.
Guess if you don't or keep falling in, then mebbe meds might help...
I think I trying to convince myself...
Ugh.
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 21, 2007, at 8:31:11
In reply to All of a sudden; depression/pain; what happened?, posted by OzLand on July 20, 2007, at 22:09:15
Hi Oz,
I have been experiencing mood swings like you described. It's really frightening when all the lights turn off suddenly and the dark thoughts come back with a vengence.remember
-you've been here before
-you'll be here again
-you've survived it before
-you'll survive it againand from what it sounds like, you are having a depressive REACTION to a real stressor. Not depression. A reaction. Not to minimize your pain, but maybe it helps to put it in context. learn what triggered it- social strife and you find yourself in the middle. Any way to gracefully bow out of this one? UU's tend to be awfully intense, if awfully understanding. An odd mixture to be sure, but you know this already.
Can you have a rescue kit nearby? Prepare it when you're in good spirits. Things like art supplies, a trashy magazine, a box of truffles, a bathrobe?
comfy things for hard times? you deserve to feel better. Maybe the mood stabilizers will do you some good, and sedation is not the worst thing in the world. (try telling that to me when I'm in a stuporous haze, though)
yours,
-Ll
Posted by OzLand on July 21, 2007, at 13:28:14
In reply to All of a sudden; depression/pain; what happened?, posted by OzLand on July 20, 2007, at 22:09:15
Thank you for responses of support. My T worries about me not having anyone in my life who is supportive of me. My husband has his own stuff going on and though he thinks he is being supportive, what he does just adds to my stress and pain.
I had to go into work this morning to see someone for an evaluation, and now that I am home, I am exhausted and just want to go take a nap which is what I plan to do. I feel horribly depressed still, and it is like the old record playing the same song again. Something can set it off, and then depression takes on a life of its own. And I become more and more depressed. My T is off on some jaunt again. He warned me he would be gone a lot of Fridays and weekends, and one of the days I see him is on Friday.
I think to my self what difference does it make; there is nothing he can do anyway except suggest the hospital, and I don't want to do that. I am looking at another job, actually in Chicago, and I need to get out of this funk or I will mess that up too. This job seemed to come along at the most opportune time.
So, I am off to take a nap and hope I feel better later. If not, well then I don't know what to do. Sorry, but magazines, TV, candy of any sort, etc is not for me. Neither is curling up and sleeping as I know it leads to weird stuff if I do too much. After a point, I used to have trouble distinguishing reality from dreams. I won't let that happen.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 21, 2007, at 14:39:41
In reply to Re: All of a sudden; depression/pain; what happened?, posted by OzLand on July 21, 2007, at 13:28:14
> Thank you for responses of support. My T worries about me not having anyone in my life who is supportive of me. My husband has his own stuff going on and though he thinks he is being supportive, what he does just adds to my stress and pain.
>That sounds really hard :( I'm sorry that husband and T can't be there for you when you need them so much :(
> I had to go into work this morning to see someone for an evaluation, and now that I am home, I am exhausted and just want to go take a nap which is what I plan to do.
That sounds like a really sensible plan to me.
>I feel horribly depressed still, and it is like the old record playing the same song again. Something can set it off, and then depression takes on a life of its own. And I become more and more depressed.
Can you hear the depressed part of you as separate from the regular you? Are you able to make a little choice here and there NOT to listen to the bad voice?
> I think to my self what difference does it make; there is nothing he can do anyway except suggest the hospital, and I don't want to do that.
Sometimes when we least expect it our T's actually can buoy our spirits. I was in a bad place yesterday and saw T. I don't know what we talked about. Mainly me confessing how I was losing my mind. But somehow I felt better afterwards. Not well, but better. I don't know how it works, but somehow it does. Just having an ear.
>I am looking at another job, actually in Chicago, and I need to get out of this funk or I will mess that up too. This job seemed to come along at the most opportune time.
Funny thing- I have a lot of records and evidence for my work when I was in this terrible depression last year. Aside from my hair looking unstyled, there is very little in the way of my manner or my job performance that belies how ill I was. I think that part of the illusion that depression provides is that our work is total sh*t. But that's just an illusion. Maybe you won't be 100%, but you sure won't be 0% either. You will be you, and I hope they hire you. Then you can hang out with Dr. Bob on a more regular basis (isn't THAT motivating. yeah right...)
>
> So, I am off to take a nap and hope I feel better later. If not, well then I don't know what to do. Sorry, but magazines, TV, candy of any sort, etc is not for me. Neither is curling up and sleeping as I know it leads to weird stuff if I do too much. After a point, I used to have trouble distinguishing reality from dreams. I won't let that happen.It's okay- comforting things only help those who will be comforted. You might not be there yet. Well, you have to shower no matter what, so use a nice fancy shower gel, okay? Dreams from reality... that's an illusion of the sane
-Ll
Posted by Honore on July 21, 2007, at 14:56:07
In reply to Re: All of a sudden; depression/pain; what happened?, posted by OzLand on July 21, 2007, at 13:28:14
Hey, Ozland. It's hard to be in the noone'sland between a really bad reality and a possibly much better one, but you'll get there. You've taken one of the most important steps and broken away from your old T.
I'm sure you've givethis thought-- but just incase-- you maybe should make see if your new T can reschedule you from Friday to a more stable day. I know Friday's are nice, in a way-- fewer days between the last appointment and the beginning of the next week somehow is comforting. But if he's away a lot, it can also be more depressing-- lead to more let-downs and more feelings of being abandoned, which you don't need. Maybe you're underestimating the immediate effects-- in feelings of being depressed, which come "out of nowhere" when he's away, especially with so many other struggles and challenges, with a preoccupied husband and maybe not a good fit in a job.
Those can be demanding to cope with, even when there aren't historic and other psychic reasons why it's hard.
Anyway, I'm sorry to hear that this weekend in particular something's been pulling you down - but I hope your nap was at least a release and perhaps even restorative. People say a walk in the park --or a shower--and I find that reading a a magazine or watching a little TV can help-- Whatever takes my mind off my own thoughts-- sometimes gives me a little emotional boost-- however silly the thing itself might seem.
Honore
Posted by muffled on July 21, 2007, at 16:28:07
In reply to Re: All of a sudden; depression/pain; what happened?, posted by OzLand on July 21, 2007, at 13:28:14
> Thank you for responses of support. My T worries about me not having anyone in my life who is supportive of me. My husband has his own stuff going on and though he thinks he is being supportive, what he does just adds to my stress and pain.
**sigh my DH too...
> My T is off on some jaunt again. He warned me he would be gone a lot of Fridays and weekends, and one of the days I see him is on Friday.
**now that totally sucks
>
> I think to my self what difference does it make; there is nothing he can do anyway except suggest the hospital, and I don't want to do that. I am looking at another job, actually in Chicago, and I need to get out of this funk or I will mess that up too. This job seemed to come along at the most opportune time.**yeah, I think the samer of T sometimes...but LL had a point, sometimes I feel better...
Will you have to change T's if you get job in chicago?
> After a point, I used to have trouble distinguishing reality from dreams. I won't let that happen.**yeah, now that IS bad. Psychosis lane, don't wanto go down there...
I been like that. Not nice.
I used to walk and walk and walk, but it can have the same effect as sleeping and dreams , cuz I daydream when I walk.
My T said it is good to be around people. So thats what i try and do. Make a point of trying to chat w/others. It DOES seem to help.
Hope you can feel better some soon.
Best of luck w/what all you got going on.
M
Posted by OzLand on July 21, 2007, at 17:48:54
In reply to All of a sudden; depression/pain; what happened?, posted by OzLand on July 20, 2007, at 22:09:15
Thanks everyone. I am up from my nap, and I feel so anxious, I can hardly breathe. I feel I have wasted the day away. I have so much work to do for Monday.
I have been in my job for 10 years next month. Intent was to stay only 5 until I heard I could be vested after 8. Then at the 8 year mark, everything fell apart.
It is true that no one even had a clue at work that I was so depressed before I did the ECT. I will never go back to U of C for psy treatment, however, again. I won't say why here, but if anyone wants to know, I will be more then welcome to say per babble mail.
I know I can carry it off in an interview. What was happening at work before the ECT was that when I got home I was exhausted, and since my work has deadlines, but I am my own boss so to speak, I did a lot of work on the weekends. Perhaps this is what is triggering me--back to doing work on the weekend. Before I became so inefficient at work (procrastinating writing reports) that I was forced to do them on the weekend. This is different, and I have to remind myself of that.
I know I can make it to Wednesday, but I hate feeling so anxious I can barely breathe, especially for someone who also has asthma and bronchitis (COPD). Oh crap. My T has tried to change things for me with appts. He has me coming at 6:45 a.m. That way I really don't miss any work. He also tried to get the Tuesday morning person to trade for Wednesday morning, someone he sees once per week, but this person said no. We do sort of buy the time. So, it would be nice to have maybe Monday and Thursday morning, and I could ask about that--but whoever he sees, well we are all long term, and so I might have to look at a time in the middle of the day which would not work for me very well at all. I would end up missing a half day of work every week. Not okay.
So, I will see about other times, maybe evening times even. He has some. But he runs a residential program for young adults, and so I don't really know how much time he has for doing therapy. He prefers I come in early in the morning before my "defenses for the day are up." HUM. He is right about that; they aren't up so well yet, and I say things that I might otherwise monitor if I was coming later in the day.
Please excuse my spelling which used to be good and sucks now since ECT.
OzLand
Posted by Poet on July 21, 2007, at 17:59:16
In reply to All of a sudden; depression/pain; what happened?, posted by OzLand on July 20, 2007, at 22:09:15
Hi Ozland.
Dr. Clueless thinks I should up my meds. My T thinks I need to let go of the things that eat at me and cause me to be more depressed. That old beat myself up habit. Sorry, I have no answers for you, just empathy and sympathy. I'll dig a hole close to you, but not so close that we don't have much needed privacy, or at least in my case it's much needed.
Poet
Posted by OzLand on July 21, 2007, at 18:52:30
In reply to Re: All of a sudden; depression/pain; what happened? » OzLand, posted by Poet on July 21, 2007, at 17:59:16
Sorry to hear how it is for you. I think I am thankful that my doctor is both the one who prescribes my meds and my therapist. He is a psychoanalyst with 30 years of experience working with people like me, and so this is something I am also glad of too. When I was in treatment at Menninger's, I had a different doctor at first who did the meds and hospital treatment and the one who did therapy, but there was always coordination.
Posted by OzLand on July 21, 2007, at 19:02:49
In reply to Re: All of a sudden; depression/pain; what happened? » OzLand, posted by Poet on July 21, 2007, at 17:59:16
I am sorry that your two people can't coordinate. My psychoanalyst is a psychiatrist and so does the therapy and meds. I am glad of that. He also has 30 years experience working with eating disorders and csa, and so I think I finally found the right person. I am glad of that too.
As far as digging a hole and crawling in, I don't really know what I want at this point. I know isolating is the worst thing for me. I talked to my husband, and he is quitting our UU congregation. I am going to stay for a time.
Posted by Honore on July 22, 2007, at 10:56:08
In reply to Re: All of a sudden; depression/pain; what happened? » Poet, posted by OzLand on July 21, 2007, at 19:02:49
How's the work going, Ozland? Has the anxiety become a little less?
I'm sorry that the burden of the job is casting such a shadow over the weekend, and causing you such pain and worry.
There are so many things going on at any one time in our brains-- sometimes it's hard to process, and we don't even know how much we have to contain--
I hope today, Sunday, will be a little lighter.
Honore
Posted by OzLand on July 22, 2007, at 14:43:14
In reply to Re: All of a sudden; depression/pain; what happen, posted by Honore on July 22, 2007, at 10:56:08
Thanks for your response. Actually I got nothing done yesterday and now I have finished one report and am working on another. I think I can do the third one tomorrow morning.
I feel less anxious today but just realized I don't have enough Parnate and the pharmacy is closed. So I took half a dose this morning, and tomorrow I will take 3/4 of a dose and hope I can get my refill by Monday evening. If not, I don't know what to do. My doctor is out of town and has not responded to my email. He probably won't until Monday or Tuesday. YIkes. How did I let this happen. I feel okay, and I know it takes time to get out of your system, but I can't afford to really drop into the bottomless pit.
This is the end of the thread.
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