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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wishingstar on September 12, 2007, at 12:26:50
I know I dont post or come around anymore so I dont have much of a right to show up asking for support, but I dont know where else to turn right now.
I just feel totally unlovable. I wouldnt talk to me if I had a choice. My boyfriend stayed over and triggered this... I'll never be his ex.. and as much as he claims he wouldnt want me to be, I've heard so many stories about things they did, how he felt, etc that are just NOT what I experience with him. I'm not her. I never will be and I'm just not good enough to be loved like that. I keep thinking.. I should have just listened to my parents (unspoken) message that I'm really not good enough or worth the same love as other people. I've spent so much energy fighting against them and the scars theyve left but in reality, maybe I'm fighting against something I shouldnt be. Maybe the difference in how I was raised and how my brother was raised is because of REALITY, and real differences between us. He cared about his ex enough to do x, y, z but it doesnt matter what I want... he wont do those things now. He wont even entertain the possibility of ever doing them. I'm just not special enough.
I'm probably just tired. I only got about 3 or 4 hours of sleep last night because I was up sobbing for most of it. Now I'm thinking of going out to do something but I cant stop crying for long enough to do anything.
I dont want to hurt myself in particular. Thats good I guess. But this is absolutely unbearable right now and I dont know what to do to even relieve it a tiny bit. I'm not calling my T because we've becomne friends more than anything else and intense emotion just isnt part of our pattern. I'm not comfortable doing that.
I've ruined it, with John.
(Up until yesterday, I've been doing really very well lately.)
Posted by seldomseen on September 12, 2007, at 12:51:55
In reply to cant stop crying today, posted by wishingstar on September 12, 2007, at 12:26:50
I don't know the whole story, but when someone talks about how much they loved their ex, well that usually means they are still rebounding and they are bringing that baggage right to your doorstep and asking you to carry it.
If that's the case, then I don't think that says ANYTHING AT ALL about you.
As someone who just recently got dumped by a steady boyfriend, though, I can certainly sympathize with that feeling of being unloveable. Maybe we should just get together and decide to love each other.
Or, better yet, maybe we should just decide to love ourselves no matter what the men/parents/bosses/therapists/women/"friends"/coworkers of the world think about us.
I mean, usually what everyone ELSE thinks is more a reflection of THEM and not us right?
Don't you think (I mean just a little bit) that we merit NOT being dumped on, compared to and fundamentally short-changed by the people that we reportedly love?
Don't you think we have the right to ask for what we want and get it simply because we are human beings with needs and wants like everyone else?
I don't know much, but I know that love is a two way street. NOT just one person giving and settling for whatever someone else deems to mete out because of whatever THEY'VE got going on in their heads.
You are absolutely fine and you (we) are absolutely loveable and you (we) deserve better than that!
You're damn right we do. I say rest your head easy tonight on a big soft pillow (buy one if you need to) and hug yourself until you go to sleep.
Seldom.
ps I'm glad to hear that you have been doing well up until now.
Posted by Happyflower 1 :-) on September 12, 2007, at 12:59:04
In reply to Re: cant stop crying today, posted by seldomseen on September 12, 2007, at 12:51:55
Seldomseen took the words right out of my mouth! I don't have much to add, she said everything i wanted to. but I will give you a hug(((((wishingstar)))).
You are worth all those things and more and if your boyfriend can't see that, well he doesn't deserve you.
Posted by JoniS on September 12, 2007, at 15:33:04
In reply to cant stop crying today, posted by wishingstar on September 12, 2007, at 12:26:50
Wishingstar,
So sorry to see how sad you are. I hate to get that way. I just wanted to tell you that I think Seldom & HF hit the nail on the head.
Get those negative thoughts out of your head. You are lovable, and don't waste your time with anyone who wants to compare you to their EX or Y or Z. Comparisons indicate an unhealthy relationship.
I wish happier days for you.
Take careJoni
Posted by TherapyGirl on September 12, 2007, at 17:48:18
In reply to cant stop crying today, posted by wishingstar on September 12, 2007, at 12:26:50
You're not unlovble, WS. Maybe he's doing different things with you because his ex is his ex, you know? Maybe he's trying to do this relationship all different because you ARE so lovable.
You're still seeing Ginny? It sounds like things have calmed down, which is good, but is the therapy helping?
Posted by muffled on September 12, 2007, at 19:15:26
In reply to cant stop crying today, posted by wishingstar on September 12, 2007, at 12:26:50
I think your GREAT!
And I'm sorry sadness has brought you back to babble, but I sure am glad to see you!!!
Sigh, human relationships are SO confusing, I can't help you much there.
Ya, I was wondering how T was going too....
It would seem to me, that a T oughtta be able to help a client sort out their feelings around an interpersonal situation...???
My T I think LOVES it when I bring up something 'normal' and easy to understand cuz then its proly like 'ahhhh, I know what to do HERE!!!!'
So I wish I hads more to offer, but I am thinking of you and wishing you some peace...
Muffled
Posted by Dory on September 12, 2007, at 19:52:16
In reply to cant stop crying today, posted by wishingstar on September 12, 2007, at 12:26:50
i'm so sorry honey... and i am also sorry i haven't been in touch with you much lately. i've been a bad friend all around to everyone i know, not just you. i am sorry you are hurting.
i don't know what to say... i'm not sure which things you have shared here.. so i'll keep this limited.
wishy... you could try doing some basic things that you already know how to do... make a list of the real, concrete evidence of pro's and con's about how you feel... concrete meaning John said "i hate you" vs you thinking he hates you or interpreting that he hates you. He won't do things you want, or need. If you have made your needs clear then that is about him honey, not you. If it were indeed true that you were unlovable, then i would still question *his* motives... i mean, why would he be with someone he saw as so unlovable? Of course, the actions of someone else is not concrete evidence of your worthiness of love either.
you know all these things...bbut your heart doesn't. i'm so sorry. i wish i could make you see yourself as i do... a beautiful and strong woman who is more than deserving of love and happiness.
Posted by wishingstar on September 14, 2007, at 1:24:39
In reply to Re: cant stop crying today » wishingstar, posted by Dory on September 12, 2007, at 19:52:16
thank you everyone.. really.. for responding to me. I had a pretty pointless session with T today. Didnt hurt, but didnt help either. What's new. But I'd pulled myself together and even tohugh I was still upset, I was functioning and doing better than yesterday. Well, bf is here again right now. It's 2:30am. Evening was just fine.. nice. Wont get into details of what happened later but he really has hurt my feelings.. again. Am I really just this unimportant? I want to be special enough that someone can stay awake 2 minutes.. literally, 2 minutes... for me.. no. I HATE THIS. He's sleeping not even five feet from me right now and I'm sitting here with tears coming down my face yet again.
I will respond individulaly to some of the earlier responses later. I read and really appreciate every one. I'm just not in a good place to respond right now.
Me and bf are going somewhere tomorrow and wont be back until evening on Sat. I doubt I'll be able to come online before then. I'll try though.
So sorry...... if only I was a little prettier, a little more interesting, a little less crazy and needy...
Posted by Dory on September 14, 2007, at 7:58:20
In reply to Re: cant stop crying today, posted by wishingstar on September 14, 2007, at 1:24:39
dearest wishy...
i know you won't read this right away but i had to say *something*
"if only I was a little prettier, a little more interesting, a little less crazy and needy..."
why, please why...why do you think/feel this has *anything* to do with you? i mean, your feelings do, of course, but what HE is doing has nothing to do with you with the exception of the fact that you're allowing him to do it. He is responsible for his behaviour. You know that. You know too how how a child develops the idea of magical thinking and believes they cause other people to do/say/feel things. Nothing you do can *make* him do anything. My T is fond of quoting Ellis "..no one's hand ever reached over and picked up a cigarette without making a choice.." He chooses his own behaviour and reactions and it is dispicable (sp?) that he pours his accumulated past feelings onto you. You deserve love, attention and affection as much as anyone else. You are not unlovable.
i know full well what it feels like to be so afraid to express how you truly feel to someone you care about. The fear they will be angry, upset or worse...that they will leave you. The fear that they are somehow able to word things to make it all sound like you are just being ridiculous...that it really isn't that way and it's all just you. i call it crazy-making.
if you feel rejected, then you FEEL rejected. if you feel you are not being attended to then it is a valid feeling... you're not crazy. It's not crazy or too needy to expect affection.
you aren't too needy by having needs
i know that when we have been rejected and abandoned it causes us to feel needy and to actually be needy too... where that line is can be hard to find, but sometimes that isn't an issue and i think this is one of those times. He ignores your feelings, rejects you openly and repsonds poorly to your needs. No grey area there sweetie.
you and i both know that all of this is easy to say, and i wish you could do as i say and not as i do... i am a hypocrite of huge proportions. But i care about you. i hope you can find the strength to take care of *you*
Posted by muffled on September 14, 2007, at 9:38:38
In reply to Re: cant stop crying today » wishingstar, posted by Dory on September 14, 2007, at 7:58:20
Posted by B2chica on September 14, 2007, at 11:09:14
In reply to Re: cant stop crying today » wishingstar, posted by Dory on September 14, 2007, at 7:58:20
Posted by caraher on September 14, 2007, at 12:03:12
In reply to Re: cant stop crying today » wishingstar, posted by Dory on September 14, 2007, at 7:58:20
What Dory said. At least 99% of the problem is that he's unable right now to let go of enough of his past to devote to you the attention and commitment you need and deserve.
I certainly understand how you tend to interpret this as evidence of personal inadequacy, but it really should not be taken that way. This is not about how pretty or interesting you are... it's his commitment problems coupled with his low-level chronic insensitivity. You've certainly remarked on his intermittent cluelessness before you went from friends to a "couple" this year - that's been a fairly stable feature of his behavior and is completely independent of any factors that make you attractive to him. Consider the source!
Posted by rskontos on September 14, 2007, at 16:09:23
In reply to Re: cant stop crying today, posted by caraher on September 14, 2007, at 12:03:12
wishy I just stumbled on your post and I want to join with your other friends and echo their sentiments that this guy is the loser in my book. He is not the best judge of who is lovable and who isn't. You need to validate yourself and leave him in the trash. If he was such an expert in these matters then why did his beloved ex leave him in the first place he would have known how to keep her wouldn't he the expert that he is? He is just a whiner and doesn't know a good thing right in front of him. You need to move on for your own sake. I always had one rule when I was dating. I am now married but if a guy made me cry more than laugh it was time to dump him. Be kind to yourself sweetie. Love yourself or at least be kind. I hate to think of you crying while that lug is sleeping a mere few feet away. You need to be in a relationship where you are valued. Take heed of all that everyone is saying and value yourself like we do. He is the one that isn't pretty enough not you!!!!!
This is the end of the thread.
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