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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 36. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by star008 on May 30, 2008, at 23:14:20
Again I apoligize for not being around these days. I have gone through a bad time of depression and haven't even felt like turning on the computer. Been isolating and I need someone to talk to.. Like who in the world can I tell that I switch and dissociate without having someone think I am totally nuts??
This is what happened.. We were talking about doing work and other stuff and first I felt angry, then sad and then I switched into one of my little kids and I was totally terrified..Was afraid of T, was just terrified to be there,.. I was able to bring it under control in a few minutes but while it lasted, it was terrible.. I couldn't catch my breath, I was so scared that it was beyond anything I remember feeling.. He kept telling me it ws okay and that I was safe and reminding me to breath.. This whole thing is really disturbing to me. I have no idea why I switched and to switch while someone is watching me is hard to deal with,. I am embarrassed and disturbed. It is hard to have someone watch and for me to know what is going on and to be powerless to change what is happening. I was able to come out of that kid but I have been dissociating since then.. I am okay one minute and the next I am in a fog and numb.. I am feeling hopeless and don't know how I will ever overcome this one.. I am aware from my "adult" what is happening but I don't have any control at all.. I forced my self to look at my T and it helped to bring me back to reality and the present but it is so hard to even look at him..I can't find any info on how to come back out of it when it happens to me.. I have had this happen before but it has been awhile.. It takes me days to get over it.. Any ideas?? I really need some help and there is no one I can share this with.. thanks babblers.. I miss u
Posted by Phillipa on May 31, 2008, at 0:39:17
In reply to ddnos switched in front of T bad one, embarrassed, posted by star008 on May 30, 2008, at 23:14:20
Star I'm here and you know how to reach me. Phillipa
Posted by Lucie Lu on May 31, 2008, at 16:54:18
In reply to ddnos switched in front of T bad one, embarrassed, posted by star008 on May 30, 2008, at 23:14:20
Star, I have had similar experiences and they are indeed very upsetting and unnerving. I have not been diagnosed with DID, but there is a lot of fragmentation in my personality that we are working on to integrate. One time, I was in a hotel room by myself, in bed and getting ready to sleep when I suddenly "became" this 9-year old girl and experienced a particular set of "events" and corresponding emotions. I was very, very upset and scared and called my T as soon as it was daylight. He said it was a dissociative experience. To the best of my knowledge, this was not an actual memory but after that time, I became very aware of the 9-year-old persona within me as well as other parts and personalities - but they were all me and I was not unaware of any of them. I think there is quite a range of dissociative experiences but they are unnerving to say the least, especially if they happen in front of other people... -LL
Posted by star008 on June 1, 2008, at 7:13:23
In reply to Re: ddnos switched in front of T bad one, embarrassed » star008, posted by Phillipa on May 31, 2008, at 0:39:17
Posted by star008 on June 1, 2008, at 7:16:21
In reply to Re: ddnos switched in front of T bad one, embarrassed, posted by Lucie Lu on May 31, 2008, at 16:54:18
Lucie,
What you describe is how it is for me.. I know that the parts are all part of me and I also am aware of them and what they are doing.. I don't have any control over them though for the most part. I have 5, (i think). It was embarrassing but I am trying not to think of it that way. I will see T next week and maybe will feel better about it.. It is like being totally exposed.
Posted by muffled on June 1, 2008, at 11:32:36
In reply to Re: ddnos switched in front of T bad one, embarrassed » Lucie Lu, posted by star008 on June 1, 2008, at 7:16:21
sigh, star, it suck don't it.
I have DD T now, and she was noticing switching.
Even tho she DD T, I still feel ashamed.
I think where you know bout the 'others' it is called being co-conscious.
W/old T I think it was worse cuz she not notice switching less it was real obvo, and she never would generally say much bout it. I felt deeply ashamed, DEEPLY, when she noticed.
This newT is good, she INSISTED at the beginning of session that I take a moment to try and let the ikids know that it was OK and safe and they didn't have to be scared. She lets me look around the room. If I show any fear of anything, she takes the time explain it(noises etc).
I have had only 1 appt and it caused great havoc internally cuz Ikid was 'heard' some and it really got her going. I not so sure what happened but this week has been real bad, Lotsa switching, some innappropriateness on my part due to it. Much confusion and messing up cuz I confused so much. Just a lousy week. I hope it gets better. I am scared if it gets worse, cuz this week was BAD, if its worse....I dunno, don't want to think bout it. :-(
So is your T reading up on DD? Does he 'get' it? Cuz to me thats hugest, some may not know lots bout it, but still seem to 'get' it, other T's profess to know bout it, but say STUPID things, cuz they don't 'get' it, they don't understand how it is.
I wish you the best, email if you want.
M
Posted by muffled on June 1, 2008, at 11:49:38
In reply to Re: ddnos switched in front of T bad one, embarrassed » star008, posted by muffled on June 1, 2008, at 11:32:36
Posted by lucie lu on June 1, 2008, at 19:24:22
In reply to ddnos switched in front of T bad one, embarrassed, posted by star008 on May 30, 2008, at 23:14:20
Star, sounds like we have had similar experiences. Fragmentation has been a real issue for me too. My T says that these dissociated parts are really different sides of ourselves and reflect the need to have all of the aspects of our self integrated within us. My T showed me that these were unique and valuable parts of my personality that needed to be achnowledged and accepted, and then they could be accepted into my core personality (for lack of a better term). I too have had a few, one being a very sad 9 year old child. She was the one who had the dissociative experience in the hotel room. Among them also was a nurturing one, and I have called upon her from time to time for self soothing. There was also a "manager" who my T suggested I try to pay more attention to. There have been a handful of sessions like what you have described. But the more I've healed, the more easily these parts have integrated into me and the less separate they seem from "me". I can begin to appreciate them without losing track of who I am and increasingly I can recognize that they are just completely valid facets of my personality. I'm saying that to give you hope and encouragement. Having said all that though, I understand how this dissociated part of you is called out by your unhappiness. I hope that you gain some relief from your depression and wish you well on your journey to be healed. -LL
Posted by B2chica on June 2, 2008, at 12:47:32
In reply to ddnos switched in front of T bad one, embarrassed, posted by star008 on May 30, 2008, at 23:14:20
Star, i am sorry you experienced this. yes, it is very scary and well, for me it was very embarrasing at first. it was hard to face my T the next session. i was afraid to talk about it, afraid to admit it cuz i thought she thought i was 'making it up' or lying because i NEVER thought of myself as someone with DID. because i was aware of my parts. muffled is right about the co-concious part.
but my parts now know that my T's office is a SAFE place to come out and that has helped me TREMENDOUSLY because they are not coming out all over the place /home, work, mall whatever because i find ways to keep them in toe most of the time till our appt date. i see my T once a week. (cuz that's all i can afford, i'd see her twice a week if i could).
and i have four distinct parts, of which my T has met all of them. Primarily she's met my littleone and that one seems to be the most outspoken...well, there's teen who's very outspoken, mostly just loud, screaming hitting such but doesn't present herself nearly as much.
All i know is that her diagnosing me correctly with this and explaining my dissociation and weird outbursts and childlike emotions and uncontrolled behavior has helped me so much, that i even think it's helped my depression.
and my meds too. cuz before i would explain my outbursts to my doctors and they would think it was part of the Bipolar...it wasn't.i guess my lengthy jabbering comes to a point. long story short is that what happened in your T's office may not have been planned and may have been terribly hard, and scary and even embarrasing to you and your parts, but if your T has experience with DD than this was absolutely PERFECT. and even if he doesn't, but judging from his response he just might.
and NOW you two can work more on making a safe place for your parts to come out and talk, and say what they need to say to your T.
and as for coming out of it....different things work for different people and surprisingly to me (found out the hard way) different things work for different parts, for me anyway. Music mostly works for me..PRimarly for teen, it works to get her in and out. works to get little one out. but it takes reading to get 'middleone' out. and 'OldLady' leaves when she's ready, when the time is right and things are safe...she usually only comes around when one of the other parts wants to hurt themselves.
or when the parts leave and i am able to be not dissociative and be fully in control.i hope some of this helps you.
and be strong Star...you are making great progress.best wishes
B2c.
Posted by rskontos on June 2, 2008, at 15:29:18
In reply to Re: ddnos switched in front of T bad one, embarras » star008, posted by B2chica on June 2, 2008, at 12:47:32
Star, I too understand as you well know. I was doing better good for a while and then we did something that I was in the decision making process. We sold my car for a car for my son and decided to get me something but were taking our time. I did not know how this would affect me or my inners. Let's just say all heck broke out. I started dissociating. And arguing with my husband, well the angry one, I think is the 11 year old. And he did not get it. Plus we had made an appt. for H to talk to my T and I was very nervous, plus my inners were nervous. Between the car and the appt. I switched and called and cancelled the appt. but I did not know I had done that. So on the day of the appt. my H shows up and my T had already rescheduled someone else, and he said I had cancelled it. My H who doesn't really understand switches calls mad I tell him I don't remember calling. I am mad at my T for not thinking maybe my voice should have sounded differently. But he didn't think about that possibility.
I guess what i am trying to say, it sometimes is stuff you don't really know will bring up dissociation but then again you have had a great deal to deal with so it is understandable. I don't have any wisdom for bringing myself out of it. I have both co-consciousness and I have some I still don't know as I still leave completely. I have flashbacks now where I know I am 11 in them but I am still only getting just bits and pieces of my memories. I am though have flashbacks during the worse times. Like when My H and I have well you know. So things aren't great but I understand how you feel. I guess the brain decides what you can handle and lets it go, and then decides oops maybe this is not a good idea and sends someone else out to handle it. I am not sure.
Sometimes I feel like those I am aware of I am blended better with but then other times I feel alien and disjointed.
For me, I still don't feel safe anywhere. I want to borrow B2chica's T. I hope you feel better soon.
let me know if I can help in anyway.
rsk
Posted by B2chica on June 3, 2008, at 11:41:27
In reply to Re: ddnos switched in front of T bad one, embarras » B2chica, posted by rskontos on June 2, 2008, at 15:29:18
you can borrow her anytime you want RSK.
Posted by star008 on June 3, 2008, at 16:59:28
In reply to Re: ddnos switched in front of T bad one, embarras » star008, posted by B2chica on June 2, 2008, at 12:47:32
Thanks for your kind words and the encouragement. I know what you mean about feeling like you are making it up but i know there was no way I could make that one up.. I don't know why I still get the feeling that it isn't real.
My t knows about DID but hasn't really worked with people who have it..He is learning and progress is slow for me. I don't want to find a new T so I will work with him.
Posted by star008 on June 3, 2008, at 17:03:22
In reply to Re: ddnos switched in front of T bad one, embarras » B2chica, posted by rskontos on June 2, 2008, at 15:29:18
Thaks RSK.. It is really hard. I know you are quite aware of just how frustrating it is. It took me days to quit dissociating after I switched.. I don't know how to come out of it.. There must be some answers but I haven't found them.. I just wait it out.. Saw my Pdoc the next day and I think he wanted to hospitalize me.. And I wasn't even at my worst..!!
I am uncomfortable about seeing T tomorrow.. This has happned before but not not this bad for a long time.
Posted by star008 on June 3, 2008, at 17:05:02
In reply to Re: ddnos switched in front of T bad one, embarrassed, posted by lucie lu on June 1, 2008, at 19:24:22
Thaks Lucie.
I just have to make my way through it, I guess.. It just takes so long and I get so tired and depressed about it..I have to see my T tomorrow.. I will let you know how it goes..
Posted by star008 on June 3, 2008, at 17:09:50
In reply to Re: ddnos switched in front of T bad one, embarrassed » star008, posted by muffled on June 1, 2008, at 11:32:36
Hey muffled.. T is working on learning more. I trust him and don't want to change but I was thinking that if he didn't get with the program that he couldn't help me much. He is pretty good at seeing me switch and calming me down as much as he can. Sometimes he leaves me dissociated though.. Do you leave your T's office like that?? I don't automatically switch back after an hour and sometimes I leave and I am f888ed up..I told him he needs to leave time to get me back into myself but he doesn't always get it..I am tired Muffled.. It sucks badly..
Posted by rskontos on June 3, 2008, at 17:29:42
In reply to Re: ddnos switched in front of T bad one, embarras » rskontos, posted by star008 on June 3, 2008, at 17:03:22
Star,
what has helped me the most is constantly telling them, the inners especially the littleones, I believe I have a few that are pre-verbal if you want my honest opinion. My parents started young on us. Anyway, with a lot of inner dialogue between me and them me just repeating over and over again that we will be all ok, even if in the past I have not handled things well I am now trying. And that T no matter how uncomfortable he makes everyone is trying to help and that being there is safe no matter how hard it is. It is helping more and more but is a hard lonely road if you ask me. You know there is so much to do alone in this therapy road man it is hard. But you got us babe to vent to.
I understand and I don't understand it much. DDNOS, DID or whatever it doesn't matter like I railed at my therapist. I am what I am. I have something that doesn't make much sense to me or to alot of people how I can just disappear inside my head yet seem to be around to others just doesn't seem right but it is what is happening. The professionals can call it whatever they want. I have lived with it for 49 years not calling it anything yet it exists in my head. I have my own personal opinions about DD as a whole that they have only scratched the surface of it. Because like most of us, we keep so much to ourselves so how would they, the professionals really know. I share about 1/4 or maybe even 1/32 of what really goes on.But what I do know is this don't be embarrassed. I was when I switched one day. I believed that I switched to one of the non-verbal ones or she is at least only about 3 or so. And I did not talk to him much or cry I just sat there. He did not realize it. Finally I came out of but I did not make that happen. My H can bring out of sometimes. But not sometimes. Afterwards I felt so bad and why, it is not something I choose to do. It is embarrasing but it should not be, we are trying to get help. You are doing the right thing by working through it. You are being brave.
I will send you good vibes in case that helps. ((((((((Star)))))
rsk
Posted by rskontos on June 3, 2008, at 17:34:00
In reply to Re: ddnos switched in front of T bad one, embarrassed » muffled, posted by star008 on June 3, 2008, at 17:09:50
You know star, my p-doc the one with the loads of experience with DD, I asked to make sure, has done that to me too. I think that is part of why I am holding back. To go deeper would certainly bring things up more. Things slowed down for a while and might start up again. I will be faced with a choice of what to do if I can't manage it.
But I understand how going to T's opens up the flood gates to areas that often bring about switching. Your t needs to help with settling you like B2C does and I don't think she has loads of experience with DD just seems to be a good T.It will be nice to hear how Muffled's new experienced DD t helps her when the flood gates open up.
I hate this whole thing sometimes.
I am so sorry you are hurting. I am sorry for all of us you know.
rsk
Posted by Lucie Lu on June 3, 2008, at 20:39:03
In reply to Re: ddnos switched in front of T bad one, embarrassed » lucie lu, posted by star008 on June 3, 2008, at 17:05:02
Star, did you meet with your T yet? You know, when I was in the worst of it, all fragmented like you're feeling, what was most comforting was my T's attitude, he was like, it's all OK, don't panic, there's just a whole spectrum of dissociative experiences and you can be anywhere on it. He was calming and soothing without downplaying my distress. I felt encouraged, like I could move anywhere on that spectrum and he would be there with me and also that I was not stuck being in the worst places but it was OK when I was. It helped me that he could empathize with my distress while still helping us both believe in the prospects for my recovery. It also helped to not feel like I was locked into a diagnosis, that I was more than a diagnosis and that every case, my case, was completely individual and never something out of a textbook. He was so right. Integration is not a state you are in or out of so much as a process that goes on for many of us throughout our lives. I still tend to fragment under stress (like now, as a matter of fact!) but get more and more integrated as the years go by. My T taught me you can be very injured and yet always still be healing. I hope you can feel the same. You are obviously at one of your distressed places. I feel for you and wish you all the best. -LL
Posted by star008 on June 3, 2008, at 22:04:37
In reply to Re: ddnos switched in front of T bad one, embarras » star008, posted by rskontos on June 3, 2008, at 17:34:00
I am sorry all of us go through this too.. It isn't fair but then,. life isn't fair is it?? My T is trying to learn.. I kinda wish I wasn't the first one.. He has been a T for years and years but has not run across anyone like me. He told me he has only had two or three clients who were DID and I am one of them.. I don't know what happened to the other ones or if he referred them somewhere. He is a great T.. just doesn't have the experience in this one. He is reading books!!! lol
You might hold back if you are afraid.. It does feel bad to lose control. You are right too, we are all alone in so much of this. We have each other here but out in the world there is no one to tell..It gets very lonely..
thanks RSK.. I am trying.. Afraid to go to see T tomorrow..
Posted by star008 on June 3, 2008, at 22:07:24
In reply to Re: ddnos switched in front of T bad one, embarrassed, posted by Lucie Lu on June 3, 2008, at 20:39:03
Lucie,,
I just am having trouble being positive right now.. Yes, I am in a bad place and it is hard to look ahead and be positive about recovery and getting past all of this. My T tries to point out the positive stuff like your but I can't take it in.. It all just makes me kind of angry and makes me feel a little sick.. Doesn't make sense but that is how I feel.. blah.. thanks Lucie
Posted by star008 on June 3, 2008, at 23:37:54
In reply to Re: ddnos switched in front of T bad one, embarras » star008, posted by rskontos on June 3, 2008, at 17:29:42
rsk.. i have some really little ones too..forgot to tell you.. the one I went into was preverbal as far as I can tell.. I was so scared.. I don't remember anything happening or ever being that scared but if you aren't allowed to feel, do you think the feelings just get buried but are still there?? I want to hear about muffleds new T too.. I think she gets sad coming here when stuff happens.. I know i do
Posted by muffled on June 4, 2008, at 0:40:16
In reply to Re: ddnos switched in front of T bad one, embarras » rskontos, posted by star008 on June 3, 2008, at 23:37:54
hey star, sorry you feeling bad.
i'm sure your t will be fine.
I am having hard time w/transition of T'S.Hard to lose oldT who I had trust and attach.
But she keep not 'getting' DD stuff. I wanto beleive she does and I be fooling myself, cuz she would say something that from a Dd POV was kinda dumb, and I realize she DON'T get it. OldT I still like cuz she was good, but she could not do DD stuff.
I have only second appt so far w/DD T. She not there next week so she was pretty keeping it toned down today.
Its just so cool when she just 'gets' stuff. Blows me away. She has much experience and has written stuff and done seminars and stuff.
She even cottoned on to the fact that I would prefer her to enter the room first w/o me asking. She understood that it would be hard that she has a week off when we just starting. She know lots bout SI.
W/oldT I was always trying to explain stuff to HER, bout DD. But w/new T I can talk bout whats actually happening, cuz she ALREADY know bout DD.She asks good questions.
So I feel very fortunate to have found her.
But who knows, its only 2 sessions, mebbe she will be useless.
I just am REALLY liking that she 'gets' stuff. MANNOMAN that is amazing. Little things, can't remember now, but she gets it.
Star, I dunno, if your T kinda understands, mebbe it will be ok.
I know I get SO depressed when talking bout my 'others' in T. I fall in a black hole. I say to T today, I just want it to go away, is there a way I can just make it go away????? She said yes, but it takes time.
Mebbe you could look around and find w/help of your T and see if there IS a DD T around thats good and start with a consult like I did? Thats a safer way of trying it out.
damn, it just feels so good, yet frightening to be understood.
I try and keep you posted.
I not here so much.
I REALLY REALLY tired and I go now.
Star I really do wish you the best.
Take care,
M
Posted by B2chica on June 4, 2008, at 8:23:00
In reply to Re: ddnos switched in front of T bad one, embarras » star008, posted by rskontos on June 3, 2008, at 17:29:42
wow..RSK.
how well worded you are.
this was really, really good to read. so true and so spot on.
i know it wasn't directed to me, but thank you.
b2c.> Star,
> what has helped me the most is constantly telling them, the inners especially the littleones, I believe I have a few that are pre-verbal if you want my honest opinion. My parents started young on us. Anyway, with a lot of inner dialogue between me and them me just repeating over and over again that we will be all ok, even if in the past I have not handled things well I am now trying. And that T no matter how uncomfortable he makes everyone is trying to help and that being there is safe no matter how hard it is. It is helping more and more but is a hard lonely road if you ask me. You know there is so much to do alone in this therapy road man it is hard. But you got us babe to vent to.
> I understand and I don't understand it much. DDNOS, DID or whatever it doesn't matter like I railed at my therapist. I am what I am. I have something that doesn't make much sense to me or to alot of people how I can just disappear inside my head yet seem to be around to others just doesn't seem right but it is what is happening. The professionals can call it whatever they want. I have lived with it for 49 years not calling it anything yet it exists in my head. I have my own personal opinions about DD as a whole that they have only scratched the surface of it. Because like most of us, we keep so much to ourselves so how would they, the professionals really know. I share about 1/4 or maybe even 1/32 of what really goes on.
>
> But what I do know is this don't be embarrassed. I was when I switched one day. I believed that I switched to one of the non-verbal ones or she is at least only about 3 or so. And I did not talk to him much or cry I just sat there. He did not realize it. Finally I came out of but I did not make that happen. My H can bring out of sometimes. But not sometimes. Afterwards I felt so bad and why, it is not something I choose to do. It is embarrasing but it should not be, we are trying to get help. You are doing the right thing by working through it. You are being brave.
>
> I will send you good vibes in case that helps. ((((((((Star)))))
>
> rsk
Posted by rskontos on June 4, 2008, at 13:21:37
In reply to Re: ddnos switched in front of T bad one, embarras » rskontos, posted by B2chica on June 4, 2008, at 8:23:00
B2c, you are so welcome and thanks for the compliment. I have thought and read a great deal about DID. I have also been studying the brain and how it functions. I am coming to some of my own conclusions. I believe, and this is just my own hypothsis is that DID is unique to the individual as their own brain is to them. We each deal with the trauma that sets it off. We have an ability to dissociate that is greater than the average population. That is a given. But what isn't a given is the circumstances that surround each person and the developmental stage or state they are in which is unique to them due to how each person develops according to their own set of genetics. So it would stand to reason that DID for each person could look, feel and be different and may share some similarities while feeling totally different too. And for docs they only have what other patients have told them. I don't know about you, but for me, there is a huge amount I have not shared. I don't think there is enough known. My brain just does some quirky things at quirky times. It is not medical. I have had CT, MRI, and all kinds of tests neurological. I am on a meds for seizure prevention yet my fugues continue. I was on so high a dosage I forgot 4 letter words like stay and step. But the fugue states continued and no one noticed, not my husband who has lived with me for 20 plus years. You would think he would notice.
I told my pdoc I think secrecy was so important to me, that my inners took names, I know some of them but in public they use my name. It is the way it is. They have told me the name. Now my p-doc has had limited exposure to them. We are all still in protection mode, no real trust yet. They called him the other day and cancelled an appt. my husband had with him. I did not know it happened. And p-doc did not any difference either. Ha they have his number.
Anyway, I am glad I have helped you. I found a very good article online that helped me think about did. I will post it if.
rsk
Posted by star008 on June 5, 2008, at 1:43:47
In reply to Re: ddnos switched in front of T bad one/star » B2chica, posted by rskontos on June 4, 2008, at 13:21:37
rsk
I gotta say too, that you rreally have alot of great things to say.... You always do but this must be a good time for you since you are putting it all together and being as positive as you can about it. You sound as though you are in a good place right now being able to share so much of what you have learned. It is so hard to do sometimes. it means so much to me to know I am not alone in this.,,.. You might not be here but at least there are people out there that I can talk to who won't think I am nuts.
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