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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 23 of 23. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Happyflower on June 11, 2008, at 13:08:37
Hi everyone, sorry I havent been around, I have been having connection issues with my computer that hopefully will be resolved today. Story of my life connection issues. I called my old T today, and left a message that I would like to clear the air with him. He is on vacation so he wont get my message until Monday.
I talked to my T about my old T, about the mixed feelings I have about him, but I guess mostly it is feeling hurt and the fact that I do miss him terribly. When I see him at the gym, I am happy to see him but I also want to flip him off. But I think that is because I feel so much hurt. My T didnt know that I was planning on calling my old T up to see him. But after our session yesterday, I feel it is something I need to do. I think they might have been talking because my Ts attitude and what he said is way different than what he normally says for the past year. He said something to the effect that my old T is having trouble ending things with me in such a bad way. His ego is hurt because I have bad feelings towards him. Now my T could be guessing or he has got the idea from talking to him. But there are terms that my T used like my old T thinks I am delusional. Well that is a phrase that my old T used often, not something my current T has ever used.
My T called me today after I left him a message that I called my old T. He is also going on a short vacation. I dont think he thinks it is a good idea, that I might not get the peace I am looking for. I am prepared for the worst, for him to be a total *ss. But I am hoping the fact that I do know him and know myself that this might be healing for me. It has been almost a year since I fired him
I have a lot of good memories of him and I am saddened that the things in the end has left a bad taste in my mouth. I want to feel good knowing that I tell him how I feel before he dies, for my own sake. I dont want to hold a grudge about him like I did my band director, and now that he has took his life, there is some guilt there.
My T wants to see me before I see my old T, I think to desensitize some of my strong feelings I have. Well I think it is important for my old T to see how I really feel, not a numbed out session. I dont plan on going crazy on him or anything but I want to be able to feel.
I want to tell him how I still have that special feeling for him, a soulmate type of thing, and how he is still ingrained within me even today. But it is hard to feel good about that because of the hurt feelings. I dont know what will exactly happen, I plan not to plan too much, just go with my feelings. I am sure even being in his office will bring up some feelings. Any advice for me, you all have been on this long journey I have had with him?
Posted by raisinb on June 11, 2008, at 13:15:28
In reply to Called my old T today and left a message, posted by Happyflower on June 11, 2008, at 13:08:37
Whoo--good for you for having the courage to confront that. I am 99% sure that I'd be way too scared. I might not even have another phone conversation with my therapist before I leave.
So, I have never been in your situation, obviously. But I think what I'd do is to make sure I was very, very clear about what I wanted to express beforehand, and I'd make sure I got that said. That way, no matter how he responds, you will have done what you wanted, and that in itself will be rewarding.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on June 11, 2008, at 13:24:32
In reply to Called my old T today and left a message, posted by Happyflower on June 11, 2008, at 13:08:37
I think it is an excellent idea. It will continue to eat at you, unless you resolve it.
As for your new t talking to your new t...if that is what you said? That would be unethical and unprofessional; new T would have to have written permission.
Whatever the outcome, you can at least know you tried to "fix" what happened, put it to rest (I HATE that term "closure").......
That is all you can do; unless you find a way to resolve all the past with your old t (as I said); it will eat at you and make you miserable, and you have had enough...miserable....in your life.....dear "crazy-twin."
Hugs n Love, Sassy
(who is still......5 years later; in love with her t)
Posted by seldomseen on June 11, 2008, at 17:06:19
In reply to Called my old T today and left a message, posted by Happyflower on June 11, 2008, at 13:08:37
Well, HF, I've got to hand it to you. You've got guts. But, man I have no idea what will happen.
I think you are very brave to do this.
I'll be thinking about you and wishing you the absolute best.Love to you
Seldom
Posted by Dinah on June 11, 2008, at 17:36:58
In reply to Called my old T today and left a message, posted by Happyflower on June 11, 2008, at 13:08:37
If you go into it expecting the worst and hoping for the best, then you won't be too disappointed if he doesn't respond as you'd like. And he might well not. It's a situation that is likely to bring up his defensiveness.
I hope it goes well, and that he acts like a mature professional.
Posted by muffled on June 11, 2008, at 20:05:01
In reply to Called my old T today and left a message, posted by Happyflower on June 11, 2008, at 13:08:37
hey HF.
I already know you have no shortage of guts.
I also know that you feel things strongly.
I know you can be triggered and suffer badly as a result.
I know you have justifiably strong feelings about old T. ALOT of them. And BIG feelings. Very big.
So I wonder if you should NOT meet w/oldT unless you present T is available in case of fallout. It sounded like your T would not be around?
I wonder if you will be feeding old T's ego by seeing him?
I wonder if on some level, despite yourself you have other reasons to want to reconnect with him besides just closure....
Your relationship w/old T was INTENSE.
I know you have alot of strength, but I also think you are playing with fire.
You seem to have alot of respect fpr your present T. It might be nice if you had some in depth discussion with him about it BEFORE you go. Then you can be ready, you can be clear. Waiting a few weeks shouldn't change things. It might be hard to wait, but wise.
If on the off chance your oldT died B4 you met with him, which seems unlikely, then you know you were ready to try and can forgive yourself.
So really, IMHO, I hope you take your time with going into this. This is a BIG deal it really is.
Hope you take good care HF.
I want you to be OK.
LOL I NOT calling you a fool, but that saying is ringing thru my mind, cuz everybody is saying how brave you are...
"fools rush in where angels fear to tread".
(((((((((((((HF))))))))))))))
Be safe.
M
Posted by Happyflower on June 11, 2008, at 21:33:15
In reply to Called my old T today and left a message, posted by Happyflower on June 11, 2008, at 13:08:37
Thank you everyone for all your views on this, I very much appreciate it, it has given me to think about.
My T will be back next week on Wed, and I have an appointment on Thurs.,but if I happen to see my old T before that, my current T will be available to me by phone. I don't even know if my old T will see me, he is also on vacation, coming back on Monday. So I have this week to think about all of this. I did plant the seed, put I can kill it if I need to.I just feel in my gut that in order for me to heal, I need to do this. I know I may not get what I want and I am not even sure what that is. It has been a year, the feelings are as strong and I feel if I don't deal with this, it will always be a hurt that I will never get over. I feel I at least need to give him a chance to help me come to terms with my feelings.
If things go badly, I will plan to switch gyms so I won't have the chance to see him. My T really doesn't want me to do that because he knows how important my other relationship are at the gym. But if it will help me move on, then I will.I want to forgive my T for what he did so I can have peace in life about it, so I can heal, so I can not hold a grudge. I know myself and this is so vital to me because he was one of my first fundamental relationships I have had. I don't expect to become friends with him or anything like that, I actually don't want that, unless it is many years later, and I am not sure about that even.
I need to clear my heart, and I need to take this active approach to do this. My T wants to see me before I see my old T, he is probably right, that he wants to prepare me. I will also try to get an appointment soon afterwards in case I need one.I know what he did was so wrong in some ways, but he is human, and I had a part in that. I don't respect him as much as my current T, but I still have found memories of my old T. He did help me and I am a different person because of him. Even my current T says that I am a favorable client because I am really trying hard at improving my life, and for a T it is extremely hard not to live in the excitement. My T says my personality is one that is fun to work with as a client and it feels good because they can see their progress at helping me progress in my life.
I feel with the strong relationship with my current T will help me face this and perhaps but this behind me without so much hurt. I am wanting to do this to help myself move on, not to extend the relationship with my old T.
I am thinking of writing him a letter and putting it in his mailbox at his office, so he can have a chance to read what I want to talk about and why. I just don't know what else to do, it has been a year since I fired him, and I still can't let go the hurt I feel. I am feeling much stronger now with my meds and I feel I am ready for this nomatter the outcome. I hope I can count on my friends here for some support because it will be very hard, but it is something I feel I need to do.
Posted by LadyBug on June 11, 2008, at 23:16:03
In reply to Re: Called my old T today and left a message, posted by Happyflower on June 11, 2008, at 21:33:15
You are brave and have a lot of strength to even pick up the phone to call him. I think I agree with what you are trying to do. I hope he has some compassion in his heart to hear you and help you move on from what happened. It's scary as hell.
I am going through a similar situation although it's only been a few weeks since I had my last session with my T. I left it open ended telling her I may come back in September but I said it would be 99% that I won't come back. I can't get over what she said to me so I know how you feel. It hurts and I know without a doubt it would hurt the rest of my life. She never offered to tell me she was sorry in any way. She said she thought my feelings were about something else. I said of course, I'm always wrong, you are always right.
Let me know if he returns your call. And YES I'll be here for you no matter what the outcome!!!!!!!
You go girl, you have to do this for some peace of mind. I hope it's what you get! What do you have to lose.
LadyBug
Posted by Happyflower on June 12, 2008, at 0:01:03
In reply to Re: Called my old T today and left a message » Happyflower, posted by LadyBug on June 11, 2008, at 23:16:03
I wrote him a letter tonight and I am going to drop it off at his office since it is the same block as my gym. I explained on why I needed to see him, I keep it positive and truthful. I hope he will allow me to see him to talk. It will help me move on I hope. Ladybug, been thinking of you, how is the new job going? Keep in touch friend. Oh, how about that car?????????
Posted by I need a hug on June 12, 2008, at 0:53:34
In reply to Called my old T today and left a message, posted by Happyflower on June 11, 2008, at 13:08:37
Happyflower,
I hope you can resolve things with your old T. You have been making so much progress with your new T and the Cymbalta seems to be working. I hope things continue to go well for you. You deserve it. You have been a good friend to me and I really appreciate it. I'll do my best to support you in any way I can. Hugs
Posted by Happyflower on June 12, 2008, at 7:15:50
In reply to Re: Called my old T today and left a message, posted by I need a hug on June 12, 2008, at 0:53:34
Thanks Dpty Hugs, lol
You have been a good friend to me too. I appreciate your support. This is going to be hard, but I just feel I need to try. The Cymbalta must be working because I don't think I would have even thought about this a few weeks ago. I am feeling strong and being more productive. Thanks again ((((Hugs))))
Posted by Happyflower on June 12, 2008, at 7:18:31
In reply to Re: Called my old T today and left a message » Happyflower, posted by seldomseen on June 11, 2008, at 17:06:19
Hey Seldom!
Thanks, I never thought about it has having guts. I guess with me I get to a point where I can't stand it anymore and need to do something. Thanks for thinking about me.
Posted by Happyflower on June 12, 2008, at 7:26:27
In reply to Re: Called my old T today and left a message, posted by sassyfrancesca on June 11, 2008, at 13:24:32
> I think it is an excellent idea. It will continue to eat at you, unless you resolve it.
>I think that is true, it is eating at me and I feel I need to do something. I have talked about it with my T till I was blue in the face, did EMDR, and it still hurts what happened. So I just am going to take the bull by the horns. lol I will either feel better or end up hating him so much for being a jerk, in the end I will feel better because who cares about a dumb jerk?
> As for your new t talking to your new t...if that is what you said? That would be unethical and unprofessional; new T would have to have written permission.
I know this is how it is in theory, but I know many are guilty of this especially if they know each other. I am only guess about my T, but I have a feeling about it. They do meet with other T's who do EMDR once a month at my current T's place. But then again it could be my imagination, and we all know how crazy that is at times. lol
> Whatever the outcome, you can at least know you tried to "fix" what happened, put it to rest (I HATE that term "closure").......
It is funny you say that about "closure", because my old T says the same exact thing. lol Thanks Sassy Twin, hope all is going good with you. Are you taking any summer classes? I think it is great you are going back to school, I know it has done wonders for me.
Posted by Happyflower on June 12, 2008, at 7:35:16
In reply to Re: Called my old T today and left a message, posted by muffled on June 11, 2008, at 20:05:01
Thanks Muffy for it must be the longest post I think you have ever written. lol I hear ya, I do, but something tells me this is what I should do. It is hard to explain really. But I feel strong and I have the confidence to face this and hopefully have some closure. I want to try, at least I will know I did all I could do.
My T will be around for me at least by phone if I need him. We have talked about this before, and he isn't exactly wanting me to do this, because my old T could be defensive about it.
But I think what is different is that I am focusing on what he did that was good. I wrote him a letter that I am going to drop off today that explains how I want to feel good about the work we did and not let what happened at the end tarnish all the good.
I told him in the letter I need to do this for my piece of mind and not to extend our relationship. I was very clear about why I wanted to see him, so at least he doesn't feel like a sitting duck. Maybe it will even help him help me with what I need. It has been almost a year now, and it would be such a relief to me if I could not have anger when I see him in public. If it goes bad, I will leave the gym so I don't run into him as much.
Thanks for caring about me, Muffy. I have been wondering about you and your new T or maybe T.
Posted by Happyflower on June 12, 2008, at 7:36:43
In reply to Re: Called my old T today and left a message » Happyflower, posted by raisinb on June 11, 2008, at 13:15:28
Hey thanks Raisin,
I am scared I have to admit, he could refuse to even see me or it could end up bad. But I am hoping for the best, but expecting it could backfire on me.
Posted by Happyflower on June 12, 2008, at 7:40:23
In reply to Re: Called my old T today and left a message » Happyflower, posted by Dinah on June 11, 2008, at 17:36:58
> If you go into it expecting the worst and hoping for the best, then you won't be too disappointed if he doesn't respond as you'd like. And he might well not. It's a situation that is likely to bring up his defensiveness.
My T has warned me about this, but I have to try. Closure would go a long way for me in this.
> I hope it goes well, and that he acts like a mature professional.
I hope so too, and I realize this will be as difficult for him too. But he has experience with dealing with Happyflowers's Wrath. lol Nothing new for him. But I hope he helps me, the letter I wrote was heartfelt and I think he will see how important it is for me.
I have to be brave. Thanks Dinah for thinking of me.
Posted by LadyBug on June 12, 2008, at 10:26:02
In reply to Re: Called my old T today and left a message » LadyBug, posted by Happyflower on June 12, 2008, at 0:01:03
I wrote my T a letter last night and have been debating if I should send it in the mail. I just called and her voice mail said she is out of the office until later the last week of June so if I sent it she wouldn't get it now anyway.
I think writing your former T a letter is so smart. That way you aren't going in there blinded and he will know what you are thinking.
I've been pretty down this week. My Mom has lost all her short term memory. I went to spend the day with her last Sunday and she's totally forgotten I was there. She's been my best friend through all the bad years of my marriage and beyond. I've lost so many of my loved ones this year, it's more than my heart can handle.
I'm waiting to hear how it goes for you.
LadyBug
Good luck!!!!
Posted by B2chica on June 12, 2008, at 10:38:49
In reply to Called my old T today and left a message, posted by Happyflower on June 11, 2008, at 13:08:37
HF, i think it IS a better idea to go in a little desensitized.
you can still show him your true feelings but this way you wont be flying off any handles that he can be continuing to call you 'delusional' with.
go in calm and collected. connected with your emotions but not RUN by them.
i care greatly about you and think this could be important for you but make sure that it is done with care. think through all the things you want to say and make sure that you get to say them. write them on note cards or something if you have to.
tell us how it goes.
and PLEASE take care of yourself!
b2c.
Posted by llurpsienoodle on June 12, 2008, at 11:46:30
In reply to Re: Called my old T today and left a message » Happyflower, posted by B2chica on June 12, 2008, at 10:38:49
Hi HF,
I hope your appt. goes well, and that you get what you want. Don't be afraid to lean on your (curren)T for support. I'm just a little wary for you, but if this is what you want and need, you should do it when you're feeling strong. I'm so glad to hear that the cymbalta is working for you. Hang in there-Ll
Posted by Happyflower on June 12, 2008, at 13:47:41
In reply to Re: Called my old T today and left a message » Happyflower, posted by LadyBug on June 12, 2008, at 10:26:02
Sorry about your mom, that has to be heartbreaking for you. You have has so many thing so sad happen to you. My T says that it will make us stronger, well I am still waiting myself for that.
I think you should send it, maybe it will make you feel better that at least you can say what you want in the way you want. Just know, she might not respond back, some T's are funny about that, unless you specifically say to contact her. What do you think? I think you should do what is best for you and what will make make you feel better.
(((LadyBug))) Take care of yourself
Posted by Happyflower on June 12, 2008, at 13:48:37
In reply to Re: Called my old T today and left a message » Happyflower, posted by LadyBug on June 12, 2008, at 10:26:02
Posted by Happyflower on June 12, 2008, at 13:53:43
In reply to Re: Called my old T today and left a message » Happyflower, posted by B2chica on June 12, 2008, at 10:38:49
Thank you B2,
It is nice to hear from you, I miss you. You are saying exactly what my T says. He wants to see me before I see my old T. It will probably happen that way considering my old T will be filled up with appointments after he comes back from vacation and that fact that I have an appointment with my current T that week. He wants to see me afterwards too, so he has my best interest in mind. It is funny I dreamed about meeting my old T, and it went well, so maybe it might.
Thanks for your support, you are a good friend.
Posted by Happyflower on June 12, 2008, at 13:56:21
In reply to Re: Called my old T today and left a message, posted by llurpsienoodle on June 12, 2008, at 11:46:30
Thanks Llurpienoodle,
My T has been wonderful support for me, I am so happy to have him. Thanks for you support. In a way it will kind like the end of the chapter for Babble regarding this. (in case anyone wants to write a smut novel, lol)
This is the end of the thread.
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