![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Amanda29 on July 28, 2008, at 16:53:26
I need help. I just recently realized that I think I am experiencing transference...the good, bad and all the above :) I am freaking out. I have always told myself that I am not attracted to my therapist because he has been married (now divorced..with a girlfriend)and he has 2 children,and although he isn't all that bad to look at...I didnt want to admit to the fact that I thought he was good looking because I was afraid that it would interfere with therapy. So I have remained calm about it.
I am not so much sexually attracted to him as I am attracted to the way he presents himself and the way he interacts with other people. I tell him that I have to hear his voice because it calms me down. He has a really calm demeanor about himself and I literally have a anxiety attack if I cannot hear him or talk to him. He has given me his cell phone and email address and so I was calling him on his cell phone but he told me to only use it for emergencies, so I am respecting that boundary...but he lets me email him as much as I want...which is a God Send.
My problem is that I feel like I have become too dependent on him...which is a sign of transference...I have to hear his voice, I want to talk to him almost every day...I want to be a part of his life...(which I know will never happen) I am jealous of his girlfriend, I am jealous of his thriving practice and his receptionist that gets to work with him every day.
I cant answer yes or no to being sexually attracted to him because it comes and goes. I know nothing could ever happen so I am not dwelling on the idea of us.
I just dont know what to think of all of this but I think that it is transference. Does it sound like it to anyone else?
How do I go about talking to him about this? I have been reading a lot on the internet about how this is a normal thing and that therapists are used to it...so talking about it shouldnt be a problem. I also read that some therapists create transference just so that they can deal with issues easier... PLUS, I have BPD and I read about transference based thearapy...I hate transference ...so I hope he isnt using that on me.
What if I go to him this Thursday and I happen to be having feelings for him and I have to look him in the eyes and tell him I have feelings for him...? I Can't do that?! What if he can't handle it?
I am having a hard time with this because my previous therapists terminated me over transference. I dont know what it is, but for whatever reason, every therapist I have transference occurs. My previous ones couldnt handle it. So I am scared to think about what is going to happen with him. I have been with him for 3 years.
I heard that most therapists have an idea if their client/patient has a crush on them...makes me wonder if he knows I occasionally have feelings for him. I have never knowingly showed it. This might blow him out of the water. But then again...I dont always have feelings for him.
I dont know.. Any help an advice on ways to handle this would be great.
Thanks.
A
Posted by Dinah on July 28, 2008, at 17:21:33
In reply to Transference, posted by Amanda29 on July 28, 2008, at 16:53:26
My advice is always honesty.
Sometimes cautious honesty.
He's been with you for three years, so he's likely not going to be horrified by what you tell him. Therapists usually don't terminate over feelings, just behaviors. You've been respectful of the boundaries he's established. He'll have that knowledge to use when evaluating what you tell him.
If for some reason he can't handle even the feelings, it might be best to know it sooner rather than later?
Posted by raisinb on July 28, 2008, at 18:45:13
In reply to Transference, posted by Amanda29 on July 28, 2008, at 16:53:26
Amanda, I feel for you. It is a *terrifying* thing to confess feelings (especially attraction, love) to a therapist. And it's even more excruciating to talk about it. When I did it, I was afraid of the same thing you are. That my therapist could not handle it and would get rid of me. Or worse, that she wouldn't terminate me, but would be uncomfortable and repulsed for the remainder of our relationship.
For what it's worth, Dinah is right--most therapists do not terminate over transference. Mine didn't; in fact she pushed me to talk about it (which was not fun). The worst part for me was the destruction of the fantasy that something could actually happen between us. Even though I knew intellectually that it never, ever would, I suppose I was emotionally hanging on to the hope. And as we discussed it that hope kept being dashed.
But I am glad I did it; it was terribly hard, but it opened up my therapy in a lot of ways. And it made me more attached to, respectful of, and grateful to my therapist for handling it so well. I'll always remember her response with fondness. And I think this happens to clients all the time--they are surprised and relieved to see their therapist's positive, level response. At least it happens to people on babble all the time.
If this happens with every therapist, you have an issue that is begging to be worked out. Your inner self wants you to listen to it. Hiding this stuff might preserve a relationship with your therapist, but it probably won't really be what you need.
Posted by Looney Tunes on July 28, 2008, at 19:03:31
In reply to Re: Transference » Amanda29, posted by raisinb on July 28, 2008, at 18:45:13
I agree with the above. Yes, tell him. It is part of the process. Be honest, but don't be overwhelming. Give it time to work out.
I have never had that type of transferance. Mine has always been more parental issues, but it is still hard to talk about and sometimes hard to recognize what you want will never happen.
Years ago, I had a T who was fabulous. I had such parental tranferance with her that I literally begged and pleaded to be adopted. I offered to be a slave if I could move in with her. And a ton of other crazy things I said.
It's part of the process. Plus, he is probably aware already. Supposedly, T's can feel our transferance at times.
Posted by Hermitian on July 28, 2008, at 19:44:09
In reply to Transference, posted by Amanda29 on July 28, 2008, at 16:53:26
Hey, "transference" is two steps removed on the root cause pathway. The underlying problem is your need for support and companionship. I.e., friends. Fix that and transference goes away because you have real relationships to tend to instead. Not illusory pinings that get you nowhere.
Therapists only give you therapy. You can tell the difference between friends and them, because one is unconditional and free and the other one charges you for it. (Which drops the therapist into the water you think he is walking on BTW.)
Don't dump the therapist. But ya gotta get out and find someone who will care about you gratis. Could be a reading club, church, volunteer group, whatever. But getting out is good.
Good Luck
Posted by healing928 on July 28, 2008, at 21:11:47
In reply to Re: Transference, posted by Hermitian on July 28, 2008, at 19:44:09
I totally agree with Hermitian. I am going through something similar, but its not romantic transference, more dpendence or parental. I just want my t to take care of me. I fired him, and went back to my old t i had when i was younger. But going to go back to him because we truly connected and he totally understands me. I would talk about your transference issues with your t. It WILL be uncomfortable, but most therapists will understand and you can get it out and in the open.
Transference or dependence on a t is hell! And I think one of the ways is to overcome it is to get involved in things, meet people, so your t isn't the only person who you can confide in.
Good luck!
Healing
Posted by sassyfrancesca on July 29, 2008, at 10:49:56
In reply to Transference, posted by Amanda29 on July 28, 2008, at 16:53:26
If he is a skilled therapist, he will understand. I fell in love (transference exists in ALL relationships); not just client and t.....for me, my t doesn't remind me of anyone else (the Freudian transference).
If I had met him anywhere else, I would have felt/feel the same about him. We are alike in almost 30 different ways.
I got the courage/nerve 4 years ago to tell him of my feelings; he handled it with sensitivity/delicacy.
Unfortunately, he has struggled/talked about his feelings "chemistry" with ME; that makes it really hard.
He really should have dealt with his feelings (for me) invisibly; that way I wouldn't have suffered so much.
There's a great book: Sex in the Forbidden Zone by Peter Rutter
Smiles, Sassy
Posted by backseatdriver on July 29, 2008, at 16:01:51
In reply to Re: Transference, posted by Hermitian on July 28, 2008, at 19:44:09
My understanding of psychopathologies like depression is that they actually damage the mechanisms by means of which one makes and keeps friendships, among other things. Adverse life events, not least childhood neglect or abuse, also damages these mechanisms.
There's a real biological substrate for these things.
Which is just to say that getting "out" may be a real stretch for a person who is struggling with this kind of impairment, even if it seems like the easiest thing in the world. I say this as a person who does struggle, btw.
And, FWIW, medication can really help. I'm on Zoloft, for anxiety and depression. It also helps with obsessionality, which can be one aspect of a really painful transference.
Posted by gardenergirl on July 29, 2008, at 21:21:53
In reply to Re: Transference » Hermitian, posted by backseatdriver on July 29, 2008, at 16:01:51
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.