![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by myrtledog on August 2, 2008, at 2:11:08
T was retiring. Had lovely lovely goodbye with lots of hugs and gifts and tears and laughter. She has been right by my side for 2 years, everyday. We have set up lots of ways to 'find' her - she will 'be' the second star in orion's belt, for example. She gave me a big brown bear, and a cyclamen which she has nursed. I know that i am in her heart and that i am special to her. I know that I need not feel ghastly ghastly because that will be to do with other old stuff. I know that I should feel a 'good' pain for my loss. But when i drove away there was the most almighty stab of pain because i will never again be able to tell her about that bolt of pain, if that makes sense. This is the worst thing i have ever gone through, and the person i most want to tell about it is the person who is gone. Ow ow ow this hurts so bad.
Posted by Dinah on August 2, 2008, at 8:42:52
In reply to said goodbye to T yesterday - really struggling, posted by myrtledog on August 2, 2008, at 2:11:08
> I know that I need not feel ghastly ghastly because that will be to do with other old stuff. I know that I should feel a 'good' pain for my loss.
I don't think there are any "shoulds" in feelings. You feel what you feel. Knowing is different. It's ok to feel ghastly because you've lost someone important to you. It's ok to feel happy that you've had the time together while feeling any sort of pain you wish about your loss.
Even in death, it's not uncommon to feel pretty angry with the deceased for dying and leaving you.
It may not be in your best interests to let the negative feelings destroy the good feelings about your relationship.
But how you feel is how you feel. And I understand all too well how you feel.
((((Myrtledog))))
Posted by antigua3 on August 2, 2008, at 10:48:56
In reply to said goodbye to T yesterday - really struggling, posted by myrtledog on August 2, 2008, at 2:11:08
It's like a death, isn't it? Who knows--maybe you'll have to go through all those stages in reaction to death that we always hear about.
I'm really sorry you have to deal with this. But as Dinah says, there are no "shoulds". You have a right to your feelings, and they just are what they are.
all my best,
antigua
Posted by Emily Elizabeth on August 2, 2008, at 12:08:51
In reply to Re: said goodbye to T yesterday - really struggling, posted by antigua3 on August 2, 2008, at 10:48:56
I have no sage words, but only wanted to say that I left my beloved T 1 year ago due to a move and another pretty awesome T last month due to another move. I can empathize with where you are at. It is reaally hard, but it gets easier. My old T's said I could write to them, which has really helped. I just got a letter back from my old T this week. I hugged the letter. :)
Good luck to you during this difficult time.
Best,
EE
Posted by raisinb on August 2, 2008, at 12:21:04
In reply to said goodbye to T yesterday - really struggling, posted by myrtledog on August 2, 2008, at 2:11:08
Myrtle, your post made me so sad. I'm sorry you are having to say goodbye to your therapist. It sounds as if you and she handled it in the best way possible and achieved a lovely ending.
This must be so hard. The only analogy I have is when I've quit therapy and thought I wasn't ever going back. I had the same stab of grief when I wanted so much to tell my therapist about things, but I didn't have her any more. You know what I thought of doing? Writing her letters. Would that be a good way to stay connected to the caring you internalized from your therapist? Maybe you will send some of them in the future; maybe you won't, but in the meantime, it might provide you some small comfort.
(((Myrtledog))). I agree with the others-you have a right to your grief. Try to take care of yourself and not rush the grieving process. It means you're a real human being--and that you had a deep, real relationship with her.
Posted by myrtledog on August 2, 2008, at 12:27:35
In reply to Re: said goodbye to T yesterday - really struggling, posted by antigua3 on August 2, 2008, at 10:48:56
Can anyone tell me how to get through it and what to do when i am overwhelmed with pain. Sick and tired of no-one in the non-therapy world understanding just how awful this is. Every time i ring a crisis line they think i am mad for feeling this is the worst thing that could ever happen. But it is. i cant see new T for another week and i feel desperate. I feel like a bomb just came along and blew away all my insides.
Posted by Phillipa on August 2, 2008, at 12:51:22
In reply to Re: said goodbye to T yesterday - really strugglin, posted by myrtledog on August 2, 2008, at 12:27:35
Keep posting here. Where you have friends that understand. You've made me realize something about a recent loss of mine that has nothing to do with theraphy but you helped me and I thank-you for that. Yes the grieving process applies to so much in life. Best wishes to you and hopefully that week will speed by. Getting out helps me . Phillipa
Posted by myrtledog on August 2, 2008, at 12:57:09
In reply to Re: said goodbye to T yesterday - really strugglin » myrtledog, posted by Phillipa on August 2, 2008, at 12:51:22
thanks people for being there - it makes a difference. I think I will do the writing letters - I am so used to writing to her and texting her constantly. I still have that internal conversation going on with her, do you know what I mean? I imagine i am talking to her, or thinking of things i will say when i see her. This is still going on, it's just everynow and then i will get a massive jolt with the realisation that i will never speak to her again. I so badly want to just pick up the phone. Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Posted by Dinah on August 2, 2008, at 13:02:17
In reply to Re: said goodbye to T yesterday - really strugglin, posted by myrtledog on August 2, 2008, at 12:27:35
Well, I have a few ways to get through crisis periods. Some are more adaptive than others.
First, you don't need to justify your feelings to others, including crisis line workers. I read the other day in a book by Jonathan Kellerman (who is himself a psychologist) that the death of a therapist is like the death of a parent. That can be so true. And since your therapist didn't die, it may even actually be worse.
I think the practicalities of a funeral serve a few purposes. They bring the mourner into the company of friends and family. The ritual creates some closure. But maybe most importantly they force the mourner to function. I felt this odd sensation of being there and not being there, but I did go through the motions to do what was necessary.
If you can coax your mind into a track where you have to separate from your grief enough to function, it can help you over those first shocky stages of grief. Are there friends you can meet and go to a movie? Movies are good, because you wouldn't have to talk much, but you would have some reason to feel distracted. And some contact with others.
Is there an obsessive hobby you have? I know it sounds stupid, but it helps me. I even sometimes play endless games of Bubbles on my cell phone. It's simple and repetitive and it seems to calm me.
Distractions of any sort are good.
I don't know if you've been prescribed any anti anxiety medications. But that can help with the worst of it. If you haven't been prescribed with any, maybe your doctor could prescribe a few? They can help you sleep, and help the pain feel not so close, until your body and mind have a chance to start healing. Also, exercise can help with some of that intensity of emotion. Or so I hear. It tends for some reason to increase my intensity of emotion, unless it's connected with some non-exercise purpose. Also any anxiety control techniques you've learned. Grief isn't anxiety, but they are both intense emotions that respond to some of the same things.
Remember your breathing. Set one foot in front of the other. It won't always hurt this bad. It might always hurt, but the intensity will fade.
And Babblers do know what it feels like. So if you need a community of people to talk about your loss or your therapist, this is a good place. Would it help to talk about her and your time together?
Distraction, community, exercise, medication, calming breaths. I'm sure others will have other ideas to offer.
Posted by onceupon on August 2, 2008, at 13:14:37
In reply to said goodbye to T yesterday - really struggling, posted by myrtledog on August 2, 2008, at 2:11:08
I'm so sorry that you're going through this right now. It sounds awful. When I had to leave a therapist that I had an amazing connection with because of a move, I felt like I was being torn apart. I had kept a journal while seeing her, and it helped some to look back over some of the entries. If you haven't kept a journal, maybe trying to remember and write down some of your most positive experiences with her would be helpful?
The hurt DID fade for me. But it's been four years now and I still think of my past therapist - always fondly.
I wish you courage during this period. Try to be kind to yourself in small ways - maybe having a cup of tea (or ice cream cone depending on the weather), wear extra comfortable clothes, hold your bear. Take care.
Posted by LadyBug on August 2, 2008, at 15:37:09
In reply to said goodbye to T yesterday - really struggling, posted by myrtledog on August 2, 2008, at 2:11:08
(((((myrtledog)))))
I know pretty much what you are going through. My T is retiring in December this year.
We had some issues a few months ago and I left telling her I didn't know if I could see her ever again, that was before I found out she was retiring. She sent me a letter to announce it to me, just a few weeks ago.
My dilemma is different in the fact that I didn't say good bye, I was so hurt I couldn't go see her again, now I'm faced with what I should do. She will be gone out of my life and I know it's going to hurt to go see her after she hurt me and tell her good bye, but if I don't, I can't.
Anyway, I do think it's a good idea to write here as much as you need to. And write in a journal. Write down your memories of your work with her. Write down what you are feeling now. Write letters to her, even if you never send them. In my opinion it's worse than a death. We know they are still alive, though not available to us in the way we are used to. We know we could talk to them or see them, but in reality we can't. In death, we can't go see them or talk to them. We accept that, we miss them, but we go on through the grieving process in a different way.
I know I'm going to always wonder what my T is doing. If she ever thinks of me. I know it won't be often if she does. I want to matter to her. I want to be in her heart. She's told me I always will be and I know after 11 years working with her, I am in her heart somewhere.
Is there anything you wished you had said to your T and didn't? Do you have any regrets? Did that final hour go as well as you had hoped? Would you change any of it if you could do it again?
I'm so curious as I am going to possibly go through the same thing. Is she completely done and unavailable, or is she working for a few more days?Keep with us. You will find a lot of support here. Hang on to the good things in your heart. It's hard but in time the pain will lesson. I'm sure it will. It's been over 2 months since I've seen my T and though my feelings are conflicted, the pain is more tolerable.
My hope for you is that your pain will be more tolerable. Right now, it's fresh and you are wounded. Love yourself and love your bear. That's awesome that she gave that to you. Remember her in good ways.
LadyBug
Posted by Daisym on August 2, 2008, at 17:31:32
In reply to said goodbye to T yesterday - really struggling, posted by myrtledog on August 2, 2008, at 2:11:08
I think I would feel like my insides were blown up too. I think you should not waste energy on trying to make it not hurt, or telling yourself it shouldn't hurt this much. It says something very lovely about you and her that this relationship could mean so much. So you now must mourn.
Take care of yourself physically. Eat, sleep and go for walks. Get dressed. Do your hair. Depression can sneak up when we don't keep moving.
Keep your outer world going. I think someone said something about the movies. I agree! They really can help distract you.
And writing. Writing is how I often save myself. So write here, as much as you need to. And write to her. Letters to send or not send.
I know it doesn't seem like it now, but time will help. Break time down into manageable chunks - get through this hour, this day. Don't think about the whole week, etc.
((((myrtledog))))
Posted by myrtledog on August 2, 2008, at 18:40:47
In reply to Re: said goodbye to T yesterday - really struggling » myrtledog, posted by Daisym on August 2, 2008, at 17:31:32
I can't thank people enough for the care and support and understanding you have all shown me. It's been tremendous and has really really helped.
I will be writing and i will be taking physical care of myself. My 'problem' is chronic anorexia, but in the last year with her i have been able to learn, through holding her hand and feeling her near me, to take care of myself in small ways: like going to starbucks and having a latte! I'd never done that before this year!! Today i went too. I had to move myself out of the house but i did it and i got there. Its so tempting to want to abandon all those treat things, but if it was anyone else i would say they were vital.
Posted by myrtledog on August 2, 2008, at 18:57:39
In reply to Re: said goodbye to T yesterday - really struggling » myrtledog, posted by LadyBug on August 2, 2008, at 15:37:09
Ladybug, I've been reading your posts about your T and the way it ended. i have really felt for you. And to be told of your T's imminent retirement by letter in that way I found particulary harsh. Everytime you have wondered about whether to see her again to get some closure I have thought, 'yes, yes, you must'. If you don't take this chance you might regret it forever.
About my last hour....Erm, I'm not entirely sure it went how i wanted it to go, but then i wasnt sure how i wanted it to go. I was very tense and that tension got in the way a bit too much. I also got very panicky for weeks/months before hand about remembering everything i wanted to have said. That kind of panic and stress was unhelpful. In retrospect you just have to go with what you are feeling. I spent the hour (and a half) mostly in her arms, alternately laughing and crying, talking about big things and little silly things. One of my parting gifts for her was some hand cream (because her hands are important to me and have held me through so much). One of the nicest things in that hour was giving her a sort of hand massage with the cream. To be able to do that was very precious. Both our hands got covered in the lovely cream and the same scent. i also made a film of her talking, telling me how much she cared. That has helped today.
My advice to you though would be to have a broad framework of what you need to say. But nothing too rigid. Dont go writing list after list after list. Go with what comes up. Be open to your feelings and stay in the moment and you will do what you need to do.
If you have spent 11 years together, you can't leave it, i dont think, without giving the parting its due marking.
Posted by LadyBug on August 3, 2008, at 23:49:43
In reply to Re: said goodbye to T yesterday - really strugglin, posted by myrtledog on August 2, 2008, at 18:57:39
Thanks for the advice and for sharing some of your last hour with me. I love the hand cream story. I think it's so appropriate.
I've thought about something to do with "Forget Me Not" flowers. I'm definitely torn right now. I want to go see her but somewhere I feel like she hates me. I know I can't let it end as it has. I can't live with that.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.