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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sharon7 on January 27, 2009, at 13:48:05
Hey. I just felt like whining for a minute because I know you all won't think I'm stupid (even if I am.) I had a bad session last week, so after I left, I decided I was mad at my T and didn't want to see her for a while, so I canx'd my next 2 sessions. Now I really regret doing that because now I miss her and won't get to see her until the middle of February. I'm too proud and stubborn to call back and see if she's had any cancellations. I need to stop doing things so impulsively. I'm only hurting myself. Well, thanks for listening. - Sharon
Posted by Dinah on January 27, 2009, at 14:01:50
In reply to I wish I hadn't cancelled my appointments )o:, posted by sharon7 on January 27, 2009, at 13:48:05
> I'm too proud and stubborn to call back and see if she's had any cancellations.
> I need to stop doing things so impulsively. I'm only hurting myself. Well, thanks for listening. - Sharon
If you wish to stop doing things that hurt yourself, you've got a great opportunity to start right now! You'll not only get what you want, but you'll have something positive to tell her when you see her.
Posted by raisinb on January 27, 2009, at 14:29:36
In reply to Re: I wish I hadn't cancelled my appointments )o: » sharon7, posted by Dinah on January 27, 2009, at 14:01:50
I used to feel ashamed about admitting any weakness or ambivalence. But I discovered that my therapist welcomed any honest explanation of my feelings, whatever I felt about them.
If you call, maybe you could just explain exactly what you felt and why you canceled (I know, this is easier said than done!), but there's a lot of virtue and more realistic self-esteem to be found in just saying, "I thought that canceling my appointments would make me feel better about being angry/disappointed/upset about what happened in our last few sessions. I think when you did or said...I felt...and I wanted more of this...or this...and I thought by canceling I'd get this...or this...from you, but I find I am more upset than anything, so I changed my mind. Do you have any openings? Can I reschedule?"
Anyway, that's what I'd say in a perfect world :) I used to think that I'd lose self-respect for admitting weakness or need, but usually it turns out to be the opposite.
I wish you the best of luck in dealing with this.
Posted by raisinb on January 27, 2009, at 14:31:19
In reply to I wish I hadn't cancelled my appointments )o:, posted by sharon7 on January 27, 2009, at 13:48:05
Posted by wittgensteinz on January 27, 2009, at 14:36:10
In reply to Re: I wish I hadn't cancelled my appointments )o: » sharon7, posted by Dinah on January 27, 2009, at 14:01:50
Sharon,
Welcome to babble btw. I have to agree with Dinah. Surely a dint to ones pride is nothing by comparison to the feeling of frustration at not seeing your T for several weeks? What's the harm in phoning and seeing whether there's a session free? No-one's going to say "ooh but you cancelled..." - people make plans and change them all the time for one reason or another - don't punish yourself all the more. It also seems like you have a lot to talk with your T about - could I dare ask whether there is something of avoidance/resistance underlying your behaviour of cancelling sessions? Why not challenge yourself - phone up, ask if you can still have your sessions and maybe even pluck up the confidence to be open about your habit of cancelling sessions when you're angry at her and why she made you angry?
Sorry if I seem too pushy but it's sad to see someone suffer unnecessarily.
Witti
Posted by sassyfrancesca on January 27, 2009, at 14:43:11
In reply to Re: I wish I hadn't cancelled my appointments )o:, posted by wittgensteinz on January 27, 2009, at 14:36:10
Why suffer? Call and see if you can go in...I agree with the other posters.
Hugs, Sassy
There were times when I was so angry and thought about cancelling, but then I realized that I...would be the one upset and suffering, and he wouldn't even know it. A self-defeating behavior for me.
Posted by sharon7 on January 27, 2009, at 14:44:02
In reply to Re: I wish I hadn't cancelled my appointments )o: » sharon7, posted by Dinah on January 27, 2009, at 14:01:50
Thanks, Dinah. I don't even know if she knows I canceled my appts. I just left a message and the girls in the front office deal with that. I don't know if she's even informed when her patients cancel. I think I'm mostly embarrassed about what the girls in the front office will think of me (dumb, I know.) Another thing is, I really need to decide how I'm going to talk to her about whether she's willing to work through the whole transference thing with me so that does not continue to be a issue. And how when I sense her treating me differently, I internalize that and that's why I had the meltdown I did last week. Well, I think one thing is clear... staying away is only going to delay the treatment, huh? Cuz now when I do go back, she's probably going to want to know why all I could do was cry last week. I guess that'd be a pretty good jumping off point! (o:
Posted by sharon7 on January 27, 2009, at 14:46:17
In reply to sorry, above for sharon (nm), posted by raisinb on January 27, 2009, at 14:31:19
Thanks, Raisinb. I know you're right. I appreciate the feedback. (o:
Posted by sharon7 on January 27, 2009, at 14:53:40
In reply to Re: I wish I hadn't cancelled my appointments )o:, posted by wittgensteinz on January 27, 2009, at 14:36:10
Thanks, witti. both for the welcome and the advice and support. I know you are right. and yes, there probably is more to my cancelling when i get frustrated than meets the eye. ive been going to her for a year and a half and I really need to talk to her about my life long pattern of developing (usually one sided) intense relationships with certain women (that meet my "Mommie" criteria.) I never thought she would be one of them (which is usually the case, I never want it to happen, it just does.) Anyway, I want to know if she's willing to work through this with me and i'm scared she won't want to.
Posted by sharon7 on January 27, 2009, at 14:57:01
In reply to Re: I wish I hadn't cancelled my appointments )o:, posted by sassyfrancesca on January 27, 2009, at 14:43:11
Thanks, sassy. I know you are all right. I guess I'm scared, too, because I still don't know how I'm going to be able to talk to her about needing help with my mommie issues (blush..) now that she's apparently my latest victim! lol! (o:
Posted by wittgensteinz on January 27, 2009, at 19:12:01
In reply to Re: I wish I hadn't cancelled my appointments )o: » sassyfrancesca, posted by sharon7 on January 27, 2009, at 14:57:01
Sharon,
I know this is probably the last thing you might expect but maybe she will be honoured that she holds such meaning for you. I remmeber when I talked about some of my (mostly fatherly) transference for my T he said he felt honoured that I felt that way toward him. It isn't easy to talk about these things - in fact probably one of the hardest things - but getting it out into the open can be a powerful experience. It could well help bring you both closer. It's ok to be scared though.
Witti
Posted by sharon7 on January 27, 2009, at 19:49:40
In reply to Re: I wish I hadn't cancelled my appointments )o: » sharon7, posted by wittgensteinz on January 27, 2009, at 19:12:01
> I know this is probably the last thing you might expect but maybe she will be honoured that she holds such meaning for you. I remmeber when I talked about some of my (mostly fatherly) transference for my T he said he felt honoured that I felt that way toward him. It isn't easy to talk about these things - in fact probably one of the hardest things - but getting it out into the open can be a powerful experience. It could well help bring you both closer. It's ok to be scared though.
>Thanks, Witti. Yes, I'm very scared. I've even been thinking about calling it quits with her and cutting my losses. I guess I have to decide if I'm willing to risk her rejecting my request for her to help me work through my problems with maternal transference (that I really want to stop!) and to let her know (somehow) that she's now my maternal figure and I never planned for that to happen. It's probably causing a lot of problem in therapy now because I won't come out with it, then if I think she's aloof or something one day, I have these meltdowns (thankfully, not usually until after I leave! If I start melting while I'm still in her office, I just don't say anything, just cry. I know my reactions are very immature but I can't seem to help it. I don't know what she'd say. She's a very wonderful, kind person so deep down I know she would make me feel okay for whatever I wanted to tell her. She wants me to open up and discuss my feelings (I guess they all probably want that, huh?) I think the biggest problem is that I never learned how to express love and feelings to people because feelings were not something that were ever discussed when I was a child. I just assumed my mother loved me, but she has never said the word (love.) Both my sister and I neither one have any recollection of ever sitting on our Mother's lap, being held, hugged, stuff like that. I'm certain that not having a bond with my mother is why I have the problems I do now. Anyway, I just want to be over that now. I miss my t very much right now, but I would never be able to say that to her. Thanks for your kind words and support. this is a great site. I never thought I'd ever be able to talk about this kind of stuff with anybody! - Sharon
Posted by sassyfrancesca on January 28, 2009, at 10:14:54
In reply to Re: I wish I hadn't cancelled my appointments )o: » wittgensteinz, posted by sharon7 on January 27, 2009, at 19:49:40
((Sharon)): Your feelings are not immature; they are normal; when we don't get what we need as children, it comes out somewhere else, and who better to have for maternal nurturance, than a loving, kind therapist!?
I had a cruel, abusive mother, and there is a woman I love dearly, and wish had been my mother. I never knew my father, but my t is not a father figure to me.
Therapists are trained to know that clients can have powerful feelings for them. She won't be surprised, but I am willing to bet if you let her know what is going on on your inside, she will be wonderful and understanding. You have nothing to lose (I know you have the fear of rejection, but your feelings are real).
Hugs, Sassy
There is nothing wrong with needs or feelings. They are real, and should be recognized and honored.
Posted by LadyBug on January 28, 2009, at 11:25:42
In reply to I wish I hadn't cancelled my appointments )o:, posted by sharon7 on January 27, 2009, at 13:48:05
I did this a time or two during my therapy. I stewed about it for several days and then called to see if my appointment time was still available. She knew not to schedule my time for someone else just in case I decided to come it. Every time this happened and I called to go in, she was glad I called her. I agree it's you that's suffering. I was always relieved to go in and clear the air. It always worked out better when I could get enough past the anger to make that call.
Good luck.
Posted by sharon7 on January 28, 2009, at 15:38:51
In reply to Re: I wish I hadn't cancelled my appointments )o: » sharon7, posted by LadyBug on January 28, 2009, at 11:25:42
Thanks for all the kind, encouraging and supportive words. I really appreciate it! Well, obviously I havent' called yet or I would have said something. You know what else I think the problem is and why I am SO SCARED to tell her what I'm feeling? It's because I get mixed signals from her. Sometimes she is so nice and motherly towards me (which of course I love... purr, purr..lol!) but other times she's not. She's allowed to be in an off mood, heck, she can even be mad at me, but as long as I know her feelings haven't changed towards me (or worse, that I did something to cause them to change.) I hate it, but I REALLY need to be reassured (and reassured, and reassured.. you get the idea) that she still likes me, doesn't think I'm hopeless, won't abandon me. She's not real great about correcting me when I (hopefully) say something that's incorrect. Last time I saw her when I was a mess, I mumbled something about "..and then you won't like me anymore... Well, assuming you like me at all. Guess I shouldn't make assumptions like that." I looked up at her for probably the first time in the entire session when I said that, and she laughed (not like outloud, but she smiled.) I guess she didn't realize that she was supposed to say "Of course I like you, Sharon." That's just one example, too. I wonder why she doesn't tell me when I've made a statement that's not true? Unless it is true. So I guess, after a year and a half with her, I'm still VERY insecure in the relationship. I guess that's where coming clean with my feelings probably comes in.
Well, really just wanted to say thanks, but I guess I went off in another direction! (o:
Posted by seldomseen on January 28, 2009, at 16:40:32
In reply to Re: wish hadn't canxd my appt (THANKS ALL!), posted by sharon7 on January 28, 2009, at 15:38:51
Sometimes I think our brains know exactly what to do, but sometimes our hearts/mind can interrupt that flow of knowledge in a profound way.
I look at it this way, everytime my therapy has taken a giant leap forward has been when I have been willing to take a leap of faith with my therapist. Oh yeah, my brain knew exactly what to do, but nothing else was listening. It pretty much came down to me figuratively "holding my nose" and jumping off that cliff. If you call your T, it's a leap. You may land (also figuratively) in deep water, you may splatter completely or you may be caught mid air. Either way, you'll still be the same person (perhaps a little better) than you were before you called and you'll know what steps to take next.
If therapy were easy, everyone would do it I think.
I wish you luck, and strength and a whole heaping bag of peace.
Seldom.
Posted by sharon7 on January 28, 2009, at 19:40:40
In reply to Re: wish hadn't canxd my appt (THANKS ALL!) » sharon7, posted by seldomseen on January 28, 2009, at 16:40:32
Thanks a lot, Seldom. That's some really good advice and you're right. Therapy cost too much to be spending sessions hemming and hawwing (or staring at the ceiling and crying as ive been known to do.) I mean, i'm so afraid of any kind of rejection from her, but avoiding it is senseless really. If she doesn't think she's the right person to help me with my issues there's no point in dragging out the inevitable. But we did make a pact early on that if for whatever reason I did not want to work with her anymore, I promised I'd tell her and tell her "why" because she'd want to know the reason, and I said "well, you have to promise you'll tell me, too, if you don't want to work with me anymore." She said she would, and I know she would because she has never lied to me. I might not be able to count on her loving me, but i can count on her telling me the truth. Thanks for writing, Seldom.
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