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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by just so sad on June 2, 2005, at 11:44:24
Well, not doing so well today - this week actually. Hubby was away last w/end and I drank too much Friday night BY MYSELF which I had pledged to not do; so Saturday I drink just a couple, but still BY MYSELF. Sunday I went over to a neighbours in the afternoon and we drank ourselves silly and I came home at 9 pm - don't really remember much after that (hubby apparently came home - he was in bed when I woke up the next morning!) So Monday - no drinks at all. But Tuesday, went for a beer with a co-worker and then had a couple more at home; and yesterday, well, that was the kicker. Mid-afternoon and I grabbed a bottle of wine (found a good place to hide it in case anyone came into the room) and had a big vodka chaser, and was passed out by 7 pm. It was a dreary day and I had nothing to do for a change, so I figured, what the hell - I've been good, I deserve it. My son approached me this morning and asked if I was okay - he was relieved I was feeling better (I had feigned a tummy ache) because apparently I had been quite nasty. Don't remember. Now I'm left with guilt and self-loathing. I thought I was done with all this cr*p. If I can't get a better handle on this, I'll have to go to the group things. Thanks for listening.
Posted by TamaraJ on June 2, 2005, at 12:27:20
In reply to Hi. ( long rambling), posted by just so sad on June 2, 2005, at 11:44:24
I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling, and are beating yourself up over having drank a number of days in a row. I don't really know what to say. It is not easy, particularly trying to control the drinking. There will always be a reason or a good excuse for having a drink, in spite of the resolve to limit intake and only drink on certain days. You don't seem to want to have to resort to going a group which could provide you with support and encouragement, and I guess you need to ask yourself why that prospect is somewhat distasteful to you. At the risk of being presumptuous, I will just say that I think you are not completely ready to accept that you have a problem, although you have admitted it to yourself. Accepting that fact and the fact that you can't drink like "normal" people, can be very difficult. I was where you are - admitting I had a problem, but unwilling to stop completely. Drinking had been a part of my life, a big part really, since I was 15, so letting go of that security blanket was hard.
I hope you can come to terms with this, and do what is best for you. My thoughts are with you, and I wish you nothing but the best.
Tamara
> Well, not doing so well today - this week actually. Hubby was away last w/end and I drank too much Friday night BY MYSELF which I had pledged to not do; so Saturday I drink just a couple, but still BY MYSELF. Sunday I went over to a neighbours in the afternoon and we drank ourselves silly and I came home at 9 pm - don't really remember much after that (hubby apparently came home - he was in bed when I woke up the next morning!) So Monday - no drinks at all. But Tuesday, went for a beer with a co-worker and then had a couple more at home; and yesterday, well, that was the kicker. Mid-afternoon and I grabbed a bottle of wine (found a good place to hide it in case anyone came into the room) and had a big vodka chaser, and was passed out by 7 pm. It was a dreary day and I had nothing to do for a change, so I figured, what the hell - I've been good, I deserve it. My son approached me this morning and asked if I was okay - he was relieved I was feeling better (I had feigned a tummy ache) because apparently I had been quite nasty. Don't remember. Now I'm left with guilt and self-loathing. I thought I was done with all this cr*p. If I can't get a better handle on this, I'll have to go to the group things. Thanks for listening.
Posted by partlycloudy on June 2, 2005, at 15:52:44
In reply to Hi. ( long rambling), posted by just so sad on June 2, 2005, at 11:44:24
Sometimes I think they make wagons just so we can fall off of them.
That great leap - from admitting I have a drinking problem (easy as pie) - to actually working on eliminating the triggers for the desire to drink from my life - should be an Olympic event. If only it was as easy as making a decision to change. If that was true, I would *snap* out of my depression and just avoid anxiety altogether. I've made the decision to recover, right?
It's the single most difficult issue I have ever faced so far in my life. Worried that I'll never "get" it.
I just wanted to say that I underestand where you are, justso. Not a pity party, for we know that we can succeed as others have. But know that I share in your difficulty.
take good care,
pc
Posted by just so sad on June 2, 2005, at 15:56:21
In reply to Re: Hi. ( long rambling) » just so sad, posted by TamaraJ on June 2, 2005, at 12:27:20
Thanks Tamara...I know I have a problem but have been doing really well until this last week or two. I avoid meetings because then I will have to face the fact that I will probably have to turn my back on alcohol once and for all, once I start going to meetings, and that thought does not appeal to me. Also, I'm scared that if going to meetings doesn't help, it's the last option and it will mean I'm doomed. Don't know if I'm explaining it properly. Anyway - thanks for your input and support.
Posted by TamaraJ on June 2, 2005, at 17:52:05
In reply to Re: Hi. ( long rambling) » TamaraJ, posted by just so sad on June 2, 2005, at 15:56:21
Hi,
I know you have been doing really well until this last week, and you should be really proud of the progress you made and the resolve and good intentions you have. The things you have been doing are big steps really. I know what you mean about avoiding the meetings. I "controlled" my drinking for a few years, and didn't want to have anything to do with meetings or support groups. I was sure I could continue to control my drinking and manage my problem my own way. When I decided to go to a meeting, it happened very quickly. No thought really. It was on what would have usually been one big, day-evening-weekend long drunk with my friends. Just couldn't do it again that year. I guess I knew it was time. So, I just picked up the phone, called AA and someone actually came and picked me up and took me to a meeting. Whether you go to meetings or not, it is still you that is doing the work. The meetings and the group are there for support and to help you develop new ways of looking at things, etc. and to give you guidance or whatever on how to deal with or avoid drinking triggers. But, I can see why you might be afraid that meetings might not help.
You have been doing well, and you will do well again. Try not to be hard on yourself, ok. It only makes you feel worse, and nobody deserves that. And, besides, it doesn't change what happened. So, just try to move forward and learn from the times when you feel you have disappointed yourself.
My thoughts are with you. Take very care of yourself.
Tamara
> Thanks Tamara...I know I have a problem but have been doing really well until this last week or two. I avoid meetings because then I will have to face the fact that I will probably have to turn my back on alcohol once and for all, once I start going to meetings, and that thought does not appeal to me. Also, I'm scared that if going to meetings doesn't help, it's the last option and it will mean I'm doomed. Don't know if I'm explaining it properly. Anyway - thanks for your input and support.
Posted by just so sad on June 2, 2005, at 20:13:42
In reply to Re: Hi. ( long rambling) » just so sad, posted by partlycloudy on June 2, 2005, at 15:52:44
Posted by AuntieMel on June 6, 2005, at 13:57:38
In reply to Re: Hi. ( long rambling) » TamaraJ, posted by just so sad on June 2, 2005, at 15:56:21
I hope I'm not being too blunt here. Or too preachy.
Most all alcoholics spend a long time trying to control the amount of drinking before finally admitting there is a problem.
I know you *say* you admit you have a problem, but if you keep trying to control the amount you drink you are you *really* admitting it?
Admitting it means feeling it in your gut, through and through. Knowing, like the first step says, that you are indeed powerless.
I spent a lot of years doing the same thing - 'I won't drink when the kids have friends over' 'I will only have 3 drinks at this party' and on and on. All promises made to myself, and all promises I broke to myself.
Recovery is based on honesty, to ourselves and to others. Maybe it's possible, but I've never seen anyone get better without brutal honesty to self.
Posted by just so sad on June 7, 2005, at 10:11:19
In reply to Re: Hi. ( long rambling) » just so sad, posted by AuntieMel on June 6, 2005, at 13:57:38
Thanks Auntie Mel. I actually posted yesterday, an update, but it seems to have disappeared. I have been doing worse and worse, and swore to start anew this week. I did not drink yesterday and feel positive about success today. But you are right. I know I have a problem. But I'm scared to commit to eliminating all alcohol from my life. I am hoping I can control it (even knowing that I can't) but to a level that is acceptable to me vis-a-vis health and self-respect...I know that the day will come (probably?) when I have to turn my back on it forever, but I guess I don't want it to be now. I'm scared I guess. Perhaps that I won't succeed? But also, I love it so much. The relaxed, responsibility-quashing feeling only it brings me. It feels selfish, which is the exact opposite of how the balance of my life plays out, you know? Everyone and everything else comes first? Then it's my time and leave me the h*ll alone while I enjoy a drink. I am starting to establish other rituals, but the "all alone with a drink, a good book, and a fav snack" is the ultimate. Thanks for caring. I'll check in again.
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