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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by AMD on August 3, 2005, at 13:32:24
Folks,
On Friday night, what started as a date with a friend and a few sips of a martini led to a late-night/early morning binge consisting of too many drinks and too much cocaine. It's now Wednesday, and I feel absolutely terrible, physically and emotionally. Physically I'm tired, weak, and fatigued. Emotionally I'm worse: /extremely/ depressed, having trouble with my short-term memory, and having, for the first time in my life, suicidal ideation.
Did I over-do it this time? Am I going to feel like this forever?
The scary thing at the moment is the weakness of my short-term memory: I'll write something, and then re-read it and forget having written in -- this is moments later -- or, read it and discover it was a rambling statement. It's like I can't focus long enough to complete a sentence, and thus the sentence veers from its initial subject to something else without my even being conscious of it.
To top it off, I had to travel Sunday, and left my Lamictal at home. So for three days I was in a foreign country, depressed, having with withdrawal from Lamictal, and simply, horribly miserable.
I got home last night, ran to the pharmacy, and picked up some Lamictal, which I took immediately. I took some more this morning, as well as a 2.5 m.g. tablet of Zyprexa. Now I sit in a Starbucks contemplating how I went from feeling well, intelligent, able to concentrate just four days ago to feeling as I do now: that my life is at its end, that I won't been be able to perform my job, that I'll be fired, broke, and homeless in a matter of weeks.
Is there any hope for me? What can I do? Will I begin feeling better soon and, if so, how long will this take?
And did I do some permanent damage to my brain, given the memory and concentration problems? Are these things going to recover this time? Absent symptoms of blurred vision, headache, dizziness, or uncoordination, is it possible I had a stroke?
Finally, is there anything I can take OTC that will speed my recovery?
Why do I feel this terrible?
amd
Posted by partlycloudy on August 3, 2005, at 15:48:26
In reply to I slipped again ... and I am afraid this one is it, posted by AMD on August 3, 2005, at 13:32:24
I think that what you are going through is guilt. It can do amazing things to us, one of the worst of which is self-doubt. You are doubting your capabilities and capacity for recovery.
AMD, I know that your worries and concerns are genuine; my belief is that looking for an antidote for excess is not the solution. Rather, it is moderation in consumption, or quitting entirely.
Give your soul a rest from the torture and I bet you will feel better, my friend.
partlycloudy
Posted by spriggy on August 3, 2005, at 19:39:50
In reply to Re: I slipped again ... and I am afraid this one is it » AMD, posted by partlycloudy on August 3, 2005, at 15:48:26
I'msorry this happened again. I have no doubt you hate when this kind of things happens.
Have you ever been a part of a substance abuse program? Sometimes just being around other's who struggle with the same thing is so helpful.
I am praying for you.
(((((hugs))))
Ps. You are going to be okay- just give it a day or two more to get out of your system. Drink lots of water.
Posted by Declan on August 3, 2005, at 22:23:34
In reply to Re: I slipped again ... and I am afraid this one is it, posted by spriggy on August 3, 2005, at 19:39:50
This is ridiculous, I know you've been through it a million times, but since it's what I'd say to myself I'll say it to you. Why don't you just tell yourself that if you can't do this in moderation you won't let yourself do it at all? Because, you know, I wouldn't mind a line or two and a couple of stiff drinks some nights (social life!). And if you can leave it at that it's no big deal. But I know, I know.....
Declan
Posted by AMD on August 4, 2005, at 9:39:13
In reply to Re: I slipped again ... and I am afraid this one is it » AMD, posted by partlycloudy on August 3, 2005, at 15:48:26
This is definitely not guilt -- this is depression. I know what guilt feels like, and while I'm sure there is some guilt in there, this feeling I can't think of being anything but severe depression. I cannot get up; I cannot focus; my memory and concentration is not just off -- it feels like it's gone for good. I am in a comatose-like state of being sad, unable to focus, and just feeling like the biggest failure on the face of the earth.
amd
Posted by AMD on August 4, 2005, at 9:47:36
In reply to Re: I slipped again ... and I am afraid this one is it, posted by spriggy on August 3, 2005, at 19:39:50
spriggy,
I hope so -- I have never felt this bad. I've been depressed before and able to somewhat function if I forced myself. But I sit here at work and literally can't concentrate. The worst thing is I was (finally) feeling better after a month, doing well at my new job, everything. And I slipped.
To top it off, for the first time in my life, I thought suicide might be an escape. I'm not capable of going through with it -- I will always have a glimmer of hope, I think. But right now I can't find any.
I took a Provigil this morning to get out of bed, but my mindset is such that I can't even imagine feeling better any time soon, let alone in a couple of days.
I've done this cycle before ... but this feels different, if that makes sense. More physical. Or perhaps it's the depression affecting my memory and concentration (and happiness) more than it ever has before.
amd
> I'msorry this happened again. I have no doubt you hate when this kind of things happens.
>
> Have you ever been a part of a substance abuse program? Sometimes just being around other's who struggle with the same thing is so helpful.
>
> I am praying for you.
>
> (((((hugs))))
>
> Ps. You are going to be okay- just give it a day or two more to get out of your system. Drink lots of water.
Posted by AMD on August 4, 2005, at 9:56:48
In reply to Re: I slipped again ... and I am afraid this one is it, posted by Declan on August 3, 2005, at 22:23:34
That's what has me spooked -- it's not just "a line or two": it's excess. And at this point it's hard enough getting out of bed to work, let alone getting to a meeting or doing something proactive about it.
I am so freaked out right now. It came on so suddenly ...
Oh, the other thing is, I was off my Lamictal for four days. I am sure that didn't help, and now that I'm back on it, I'm worried it's not going to work any longer. I took 200 mg yesterday, and another 200 mg today, plus one the night I got home, and I feel completely zonked.
Right now I feel like I called wolf a bit too many times -- you all are reading this, rolling your eyes, and saying "It will be OK." (And I appreciate that.) But this one feels different. Maybe it's being off the Lamictal. Maybe I did permanent damage to my prefrontal cortex and/or hippocampus. Maybe the alcohol binge did permanent brain damage. But it feels worse than ever before.
What is spooking me out is the memory stuff. Is it possible I'm still drunk, after five days? Couldn't be -- but I saw my psychiatrist last night, and she said "you look drunk," and wanted to send me to the hospital for detox. But I don't remember crawling into bed last night -- I woke up this morning after 12 hours of sleep and thought, "whoa, where am I?" /That/ is what's scaring me. Was that the Zyprexa I took yesterday? Will I get better? Is there any documentation to show that this is even possible -- that a heavy night's drinking after a week or so and then abstinence for a few days would harm my brain to the extent that my short-term memory is simply gone. Very scary!
amd
Posted by Sonya on August 4, 2005, at 14:35:32
In reply to Re: I slipped again ... and I am afraid this one i » Declan, posted by AMD on August 4, 2005, at 9:56:48
I can see how frightening this is for you. It's awful to lose control and over-indulge. Why did you stop taking your meds for several days? I would think that would make things more unstable for you. Non-compliance has also been an issue for me in the past. Why we do this to ourselves, I don't know. All I can suggest is that you call your pdoc and tell him what happened and try to follow his instructions. Is the Lamictal working for you?
Posted by AMD on August 4, 2005, at 16:29:19
In reply to Re: I slipped again ... and I am afraid this one i, posted by Sonya on August 4, 2005, at 14:35:32
I forgot them and left for a foreign country -- I didn't stop taking them deliberately. Yes, Lamictal has worked well for me, and I hope it continues to do so.
I am just worried that my memory will not improve now, and that forming new memories will always be difficult from this point on. I hope that any damage I've done will be reversible over time via exercise, mental exercise, and abstinence.
amd
Posted by fuji on August 5, 2005, at 10:38:37
In reply to Re: I slipped again ... and I am afraid this one i, posted by AMD on August 4, 2005, at 16:29:19
Your depression and feelings of worthlessness sound like what everyone says who does too much cocaine or crack. That's what the drug does to you. It depletes you of so many important chemicals in your brain that you are just a sad and worn out rag at the end of your run. It sounds like you could use a good drug & alcohol therapist and perhaps and most importantly, try to abstain from cocaine or crack and stick to the lamictal.
fuji
Posted by AMD on August 5, 2005, at 12:27:35
In reply to Re: I slipped again ... and I am afraid this one i, posted by fuji on August 5, 2005, at 10:38:37
I'm feeling a bit better today, mood-wise, but I've come down with what feels like a bad cold or flu, so I feel rather cruddy.
Which leads me to: I have a stuffy nose, chapped lips, what feels like the start of a low-grade fever, and a bit of fatigue. Are any of these things consistent with HBV, HCV, or HIV, or any other diseases I may have picked up sharing a (coke) straw with someone last month? I also have a headache (a non-caffeine headache), which is freaking me out.
Perhaps I just need some rest, or perhaps this is something more serious. I'm so sleepy...
Or perhaps this is my body recuperating from the weekend's excess. It has been a full week though! How long does this last?
I'm hoping in a day or two I'll feel better.
amd
Posted by Lorne on August 5, 2005, at 15:13:05
In reply to I slipped again ... and I am afraid this one is it, posted by AMD on August 3, 2005, at 13:32:24
So let me get this straight. You went on a booze and cocaine bender and now you feel awful.
I would have to respond: "This comes as a suprise to you?"
You say you are concerned that you are going to loose your job and become homeless.
I would have to respond: "That sounds highly likely"
You also ask if you will go on feeling like this forever.
I would have to resond: "No, sooner or later you'll OD, and you won't feel much after that".
Listen, far be it from me to rain on someone's on-line pity party, but get real. You did what you knew to be wrong, and your responce is a play for sympathy?
What you need to do is get into recovery and work at it like your life depended on it, which it does. You want my full sympthay, talk to me about how hard it is to stay sober, not how awful it feels when the high ends.
Lorne
Posted by AMD on August 5, 2005, at 15:34:28
In reply to Re: I slipped again ... (tough love version), posted by Lorne on August 5, 2005, at 15:13:05
It's not pity I look for, merely an outlet to express my hardships. Isn't that partly why we're all here? For support.
Yes, I slipped, but for the first time I'm taking steps to make sure it doesn't happen again: that means attending meetings, and getting "real".
I have managed to pick myself up again, and as long as I stay focused, I know in the long run it will pay off.
amd
Posted by Lorne on August 6, 2005, at 22:53:22
In reply to Re: I slipped again ... (tough love version) » Lorne, posted by AMD on August 5, 2005, at 15:34:28
I wish you all the luck in maintaining your sobriety, I would suggest however you examine your reasoning.
You are not undergoing a hardship. You made a choice, to drink and do drugs, and you are experiencing the natural consequences of that choice. The cause and effect here is very clear, and in your open post you said them yourself. You did what you weren't supposed to, and negative consequences will follow.
You also are of the opinion that being supportive takes only one form, sympathy. Sympathy is nice, but I've never thought it was useful. Carl Rodgers, who came up with this unconditional positive regard garbage, realized at the end it wasn't the be all and end all.
I think its more supportive to challange you, make you rise to an arguement rather than sink into the comfy sick-bed of sympathy.
Instead of comming at me with, "you aren't being supportive", why aren't you angry with yourself for letting yourself down and slipping back into addiction? You can get "you poor dear" from any first year psychology student, why not use this experience to get some of that real juice going?
Lorne
Posted by Dr. Bob on August 8, 2005, at 2:23:34
In reply to Re: I slipped again ... (tough love version), posted by Lorne on August 6, 2005, at 22:53:22
> You are not undergoing a hardship.
He isn't?
> You also are of the opinion that being supportive takes only one form, sympathy.
>
> Instead of comming at me with, "you aren't being supportive"...Please don't jump to conclusions about others or post anything that could lead them to feel accused or put down. A tough love approach can be, well, tough here. Especially online and when people don't know each other, it can come across more as tough and less as love.
If you or others have questions about this or about posting policies in general, or are interested in alternative ways of expressing yourself, please see the FAQ:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#civil
Follow-ups regarding these issues should be redirected to Psycho-Babble Administration. They, as well as replies to the above post, should of course themselves be civil.
Thanks,
Bob
Posted by AuntieMel on August 8, 2005, at 9:13:49
In reply to Re: I slipped again ... (tough love version) » Lorne, posted by AMD on August 5, 2005, at 15:34:28
Lorne has some good points.
I would have probably never gone into recovery if people had been "supportive" of me. Most people I know wouldn't have either.
It takes facing the hard truth to get the strength to fight that battle.
Each and every time you go out for a few you end up lise this, right? Doesn't that tell you that you can't have just one or two? That you have to completely abstain?
The counselors where I went for recovery say there are only three ways out of addiction. Death, prison or recovery. Those be the facts. It is up to you to decide which route you want to take.
Posted by john berk on August 8, 2005, at 14:51:39
In reply to Re: I slipped again ... (tough love version) » AMD, posted by AuntieMel on August 8, 2005, at 9:13:49
Hi, the last time i slipped, it took 3 weeks to get my head straight, the depression was terrible, but i knew that would be the case!!
only this time, it took longer than ever to recover, and i was very worried about my emotional stability!! hopefully you can keep this expierence fresh, i have 6 month's now, i think the tough love approach is a little too "tough" sometimes, i've known peole to approach me with "tough love" and see them back out there again!! there is "NO' gaurantee for ayone who has an addiction, do your best, hoefully this time you have learned a valuable lesson! good luck....john
Posted by AuntieMel on August 8, 2005, at 16:46:53
In reply to Re: I slipped again ... (tough love version), posted by john berk on August 8, 2005, at 14:51:39
There's a huge difference between tough love and nagging. Nagging is almost guaranteed to get you back out there.
Tough love, to me at least, means telling the truth, setting up boundaries and not letting the user (me) weasel out of it.
Contrats on your 6 months! The first 6 are the hardest, right?
Posted by john berk on August 8, 2005, at 20:04:16
In reply to Re: There's a huge difference » john berk, posted by AuntieMel on August 8, 2005, at 16:46:53
Hi! you are so right, there is a distinction between tough love and nagging, no doubt, and i too have to set goals and parameters for myself also!! thanks for the congrats auntie mel, yeah, those first 6 month's are brutal, but i am so happy i am coming out of the woods, but i have a long road ahead!! best wishes to everyone who is trying their best to stay sober, it is so hard, but so worth it!!! take care...john {btw, sorry about my horrible spelling on my initial post, lol!!}
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