Posted by llrrrpp on September 2, 2006, at 13:18:50
In reply to Re: Self-Esteem suffering from depression recovery » llrrrpp, posted by Jost on September 2, 2006, at 12:32:38
> Sorry, Lurps, I dont' understand Jewish musical notation. I'm pretty marginally Jewish. And marginally musically informed (or possibly not marginally any more)
I went to a service last year at my friends' son's Bar Mitzvah. I had no idea that there was so much music involved. It was really amazing to hear recitations done in chants. I really do go to many religious services just for the music.
> I do love Mahler, but he takes too much out of me. It's kind of like I've been there, and done that, and it wasn't as good as it was for Mahler, but I'm still exhausted from my version.
Good, I'm glad I'm not the only one. I get kind of saturated sometimes. The worst is that music that I have just performed, I cannot tolerate to listen to, perhaps for a few years. Thus, Brahms 1. and 2. Symphonies are kind of "no-man's-land" for me. Regrettably. Would you believe me if I said that they were too triggering? That the music calls to mind the mistakes that I made, or the wicked conductor, or the fact that I miss my 3/4's of a quartet friends so dearly. Recently performed music just has too many strong associations.
> I have to stick to Brahms symphonies.
>
> Although, sadly, I don't listen to classical music. I grew up on it. When I got to a certain place (not sure what, exactly) I dropped what I grew up with--stopped reading and listening to classical music, and being generally at all cultured.that's okay. don't be sad!
> I don't have the emotional energy to experience things that way. It's something I don't understand, because if I do, I like it, but I don't think I will. I need it in small doses-- a whole evening of dance or music, or threater or even a museum is too much. And it seems as if you have to do an evening, not a half hour.
I understand completely. This is the beauty of me having an iPod. I can listen to 10 minutes waiting for my ride, 5 minutes walking to get coffee, 20 minutes doing my grocery shopping. I typically set my player to shuffle pieces randomly. Should one of those dreaded Brahm's movements be selected or PERISH THE THOUGHT: Debussy's Str. Quartet-- I will just click to hear the next song.
> So I don't do it.
That's okay. My friends have to force me to go to concerts, but once I'm there, I'm okay. I can pay attn. to the stage for part of the time. Sometimes I'm daydreaming, reading my program, or inspecting the conductor's buttocks, counting the number of women in the brass section, etc.
> I can remember doing it, but that's about all.
>
> So next time you hear Mahler, listen for a few minutes, for me.I will Jost. And when you listen to the 2nd mvmt of Brahm's 1st symphony (Andante sostenuto), think of me :o) and imagine playing that violin part. So delicate, so nuanced, so expressive, so intense, yets so transparent.
I played really well at the concert, but I am traumatized by all the rehearsals, where I couldn't focus, couldn't sustain the phrase, played a wrong note, or played out of tune/rhythm. Remember, being a violin in the orchestra demands a conformity of action and emotion that is very straining.
My God, I think it was amazing that I did as well as I did, considering the my psych-meds were giving me all the side-effects and none of the AD/AP effects at that point. I left one rehearsal early because I kept on having flashbacks to middle school (last time I played Br. 1) or was having mental fuzzies, couldn't concentrate, couldn't hear well, couldn't feel my own hands, started crying or shaking. Such a freak.
SO, YEAH- ! I understand when you say that you have to leave Mahler aside. But don't leave Mahler behind. You'll come back to him at some point in your life.
-ll
poster:llrrrpp
thread:681528
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/esteem/20060827/msgs/682319.html