Posted by ghost on January 3, 2006, at 20:30:07
i had a great christmas weekend. i met some cool people and hung out with some other people i already knew who were cool. a good time was had, mostly. some nagging thoughts in the back of my mind... i'm not cute enough for the guy i was visiting. i'm not his type. he pitied me so he put up with me. i met another guy there and i have a big crush on him now but i'm not his type either.
i always like people who are either a) jerks or b) out of my league.
new years rolled around and i was miserable. lonely.
then i found out everyone else under the sun got to kiss someone on new years. the only time ive ever kissed anyone on new years was when i coerced my exgf into it. we were at a friend's family's house and she was too ashamed to do it.
great for the self esteem.
t appt today. today i hated her and i liked her all in the same session. i liked her because she was on my side, but hated her because she reminded me how my parents treat my sister so much differently than they treat me. she has so much more than i ever had. i worked for everything i got. she gets everything she wants. she has better schools. she gets to go to college. etc. my parents loved me very much. but they had a really warped sense of how to raise a child back then.
thanks for reminding me. i was doing fine forgetting about it.
she told me i needed to make an effort to intiiate plans to go out with people to overcome social anxiety. that i can't rely on being asked places. she's only saying that because no one ever asks me to go places. no one likes to hang out with the weird fat girl who likes to wear big boots and fishnets. no one ever walks up to a girl like me in public and strikes up a conversation with me. no one ever asks for my number. no one likes the fat girl who dresses funny.
i'm just not beautiful. i've accepted that. that's why i'm on the internet. people don't care (as much) on the internet. or you can hook them with your personality so they don't mind so much that you're ugly. sometimes i cna get away with being "cute." but that's not to say that's good enough in public.
she just doesn't get it. no one likes the ugly girl. and i'm the ugly girl. it's not that i haven't tried to make friends outside of the internet. it's that it NEVER FREAKING WORKS.
i wish i wasn't an ugly girl.
poster:ghost
thread:594911
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051229/msgs/594911.html