Posted by antigua3 on July 17, 2007, at 21:25:05
See my thread above if you don't have a clue as to what I'm talking about!
So I fearfully went to see my pdoc tonight, questions and some writing in hand.
I was shaking so hard, and wouldn't sit down, and was afraid I couldn't do it.
Asked him straight out if he was going to terminate me/refer me out. Absolutely not, he said. I asked him to promise me that if he does decide to do this that he won't do it abruptly and will give me the chance to work through the abandonment issue with him first. He said he would, that he wouldn't do it any other way; that's the way he practices.
I asked if he was trained and experienced in dealing with woman with csa issues and he said yes.
On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the most difficult for him, I rate a 5. How diplomatic.
And when asked what he thought was my biggest problem, he said, surprise!, it's that my intense feelings about the past get in the way of living a complete life today. Duh, is all I can say to that one.
He lost ground when I asked why he wouldn't see me or return my calls last week. He was busy, he said, but I told him that he had made a conscious decision to ignore a patient who he so obviously knew was suffering. Didn't get an answer on that one. While I didn't press him, I am not going to let him get away with that one.
He's like slippery eel, winding his way through our conversations, finding ways to take no responsibility for any parts of our interactions and any responses I may have. But I think this perception is me wanting him (my father) to take responsibility for his actions.
Then we went on to discuss my anger, and how I seem to be able to express it with him better than anyone else. He promised me that his office is a safe place for me to let the fear and anger out and pointed out that I had already begun to do so. He also pointed out that I was willing to stand up for myself in an articulate way, and that I was making huge progress.
He skirts around the issue of whether he cares (I think he thinks it's irrelevant, and doesn't build trust that way.)
I think he sees the therapy as my responsibility 1000%, and in this relationship he is right.
So, I don't know exactly how I feel about all this. I definitely feel better he isn't terminating me, and I can see why I so was so terrified that he would, and how part of that was my irrational self playing to old feelings.
No, I do feel better. I feel like I know more of what I'm getting into, and if he's not right for me, I can find another person. I WILL NOT beat my head against the wall, trying to get him to see things my way. But that doesn't mean I'm letting him off the hook.
He thinks that what we were talking about last time precipitated my crisis. He was pointing out that it was my father's failings and not my own that led to the abuse, and I got quite upset. But, as he says, I made it through it a stronger person and he will have to be more careful about when he hits my "hot" buttons, that maybe he pushed too hard. He has a tendency to do that, but that's what I feel like I need. To confront things, and not get a pat on the back for how tough it is. I get all that from my T and I'm very happy she's there. But he has value too.
So thanks for everyone's support.
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:770234
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070714/msgs/770234.html