Posted by DAisym on July 18, 2007, at 15:43:52
In reply to Re: Update on pdoc » DAisym, posted by antigua3 on July 18, 2007, at 14:48:51
"I pretend "Why" doesn't bother me, because I know enough about my father's past that I understand what a disturbed person he was. But you know what? I'm not over feeling like it's my fault, that if I had been important enough to him, he would never have done it. Does that make any sense?"
****The fact that you feel like this makes perfect sense to me, it echoes my own thoughts about the whole thing. I could give you the intellectual argument about how it is never the child's fault, it is up to the parent to hold the line, but since I buy it for everyone but myself, I don't see you buying it either. The truth is that we did want to be loved by our dads and there was something to be gained by being their "favorite" if you will. My therapist tells me that all little girls want this and it is not only OK but important that they get it in the appropriate safe way. He also just asks questions sometimes and the one that usually gets through is this,"even if you worked super hard to be special to your dad, how could you have known that it would lead to sex? You didn't even know what sex was."
"That's what I feel like, if I'm honest with myself, that just a little inkling of how horrible he was is sinking into my consciousness, and on some level it's a reflection of my own self-worth. Wrong, I know."
*****I think he put his shame in you and you hold it for him. You are embarrassed for him, as we all are for those we love sometimes. And it feels kind of like being tricked - that humiliation and shame for having been stupid enough to "let it happen." So yeah, our self-worth gets all tied up in it. And for me, all this anger I feel makes me afraid that I could be like him -- I could rage around and hurt the people I love. So I'm working really hard to hide my true self, because I believe that self to be bad. And on a whole different level, I'm angry that therapy is taking my "good dad" away from me. The more truth I figure out, the more it sinks in how horrible it was, that he was, the less I'm left with. So I'm losing my dad all over again. And it is almost impossible to explain to anyone how you can cling to that love while knowing the extent of his abuse.
I walk around in a confused daze a lot while a war rages inside my head.
poster:DAisym
thread:770234
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070714/msgs/770395.html