Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 19, 2007, at 20:07:28
In reply to Re: Self-Delusion and losing my mind » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by muffled on July 19, 2007, at 18:04:34
Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful responses.
I'm really really unstable right now. I feel full-on death-inspiring depression at the merest thought of the "dark side". I've been extremely irritable. I chopped a bunch of wood while camping to deal with these happy little kids who were playing across the street. Chop Chop Chop. I felt it was good practice.
And I had to cancel the trip that I had planned in 4 days. Had to call grandmom and grandpa and tell them about my psych disorder. What prompted this change in plans?
I came "home" from vacation and realized that there is no home for me. No place to call me home. No familiar spot. No familiar faces. Just this house with open windows and lots of smiley happy caucasian neighbors (used to live in african-american neighborhood) and their kids seem so privileged and well-adjusted. And I feel like this freak invader. Alien species. Painted my fingernails this burgundy shade bordering on black. found the familiar instrument of self-injury. took a little swipe. maybe some more later.
Took extra doses of everything in my arsenal
can't feel at home
-my moods feel foreign and unpredictable
-the demands placed on my person are unusual and not practiced
-terminated with my former T still working on that
-haven't felt comfy talking about any hard stuff with the quieT
-not used to husband being around. There is some comfort in going bonkers alone. At least I'm not bringing anyone down with me
-not used to husband leaving me alone here to fulfill his job requirements
-how I long for Chicago. My den of insanity and routines. riding the bus to my favorite cafe. Friends on my voice dial.
-no friends here. concerned that I'm not good "friendship material" right now. who would I ask to be on my suicide watch?
-I'm off my rocker. convinced of it. catatonic drugged out for large portions of the day. souped-up agitated anxious for the rest of the day.tomorrow I see pdoc and T in quick succession. I don't know what's going to happen. If I'm brave I'll ask for extra session with T, since I've cancelled my trip.
bipolar aside, there are plenty of opportunities to fall over the edge from eccentric to reckless to psychotic. I fall too often. too quickly.
maybe I get some fast-acting benzos. I'm already at a high dose with the antipsychotics and with the mood stabilizers. Seems like there's nowhere else to go. but down.
curses
poster:LlurpsieNoodle
thread:770579
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070714/msgs/770619.html