Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 20, 2007, at 9:53:23
In reply to Its OK » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by muffled on July 19, 2007, at 21:57:13
> LL you've had MANY changes in the last whiles.
> MANY.
> Course you freaked some. Try and give yourself a bit of a break.
> Can you make a new safe place in your house or yard?I'm trying so hard. I put a rocking chair into a nook and bought a fluffy sheepskin rug for the floor. put in a bookshelf. hung a picture on the wall. I'm too agitated to sit, for the most part. I wonder down to the pond sometimes, past the fetid pond weed section and on to the part with clear water and less weed. Sometimes I think about bringing a rake and clearing up all the fallen pond weeds that obscure the path. Maybe I can draw little zen garden ripples in the path. But these are mere dreams. I think I will take a little sketchbook out to the pond and start sketching a bit. I would love to find my watercolor supplies and clear off a tabletop and make a miniature watercolor every morning after coffee. layers of pale washes and leaving white spots and finally the dark intensities. erasing the pencil marks. First I have to learn to draw again. I discovered in the hospital that I can still draw and paint. That's about the only therapy that was offered.
> Can you come to my non stimulating cave? Where its warm quiet, dim, safe. You can breath there, good air there.Its mostly a place of nothingness, where you can tone down, and even if you kinda dissoced out, its OK there, its a good place to be.
I will go there when I remember to. Sometimes I have to leave because my insides are too much of a ruckus. Don't want to disturb the energy.
> I don't fit in in my neighborhood really either, so I just keep to myself.
oh
> Just try and remember, that you got good backing w/p-doc etc, that you've made it thru crazy times before, and you can again, cuz this WILL pass, the intensity will ease.
> Can you call your old T at all?or mebbe thats not kosher?:'( I HAVE to call her regarding insurance and many thousands of dollars that I owe her. She sounded genuinely concerned in her voicemail that I shouldn't have to deal with this. business is business, though.
> You can learn coping stuff, if I the dumbo can, you will too. You can get your meds tweaked to what works best for you. Some measure of peace will eventually return.
I hope you're right. But other times I don't want to get better. The illness is this seductive voice that wants to pull me in to madness. Doesn't want help. Wants evil. Wants suffering. Wants to destroy everything that I've worked to create. Scary sometimes. Even scarier that I don't always recognize the normal consciousness from this sick seduction.
> If stuff gets too hard, have you checked re: which hosps are best round there? Sometimes, if its any decent hosp, well, its a break to stabilize meds. Sorta a safe zone too in some ways...
I want to stay out of the hospital. If therapist or pdoc brings it up, I might consider it. otherwise, not for me. Besides, in the US, one has to basically be willing to kill oneself to be admitted. If I ever need a break like that again, I'm going to check myself into a nice hotel with clean white sheets. order room service. It will be cheaper, and I'll bring some CBT stuff to keep me busy. And some artwork supplies.
> Oz got good things to say.
yeah. she's a smartie :)
you got good things to say too.> You take care.
> I can sit beside you in the cave, if you don't wanto be alone. We can just sit and know its OK, just for now, its OK. We are OK.
> Then if you can be calmer, we can go to the mossy place by the stream (its very safe there too, cuz I made it up(T helped) and I don't let no bad in there EVER)we can play on the moss, and look for friendly critters like frogs and stuff. We can make dams in the stream, and float sticks on it too. Maybe make leaf boats too.Would you mind sitting with me? I'm the worst when I'm all alone with nothing but my spinning mind. knowing you're there would help me breathe.
I know the place by the stream. When I was younger, I lived near one, it was on the other side of the woods. I could escape (had secret routes that went under the street through the drainage ditches) and there were violets that bloomed there. I'd make a chain. absentminded, and stick my feet in. When I was feeling better, I'd pick a handful for my mom. It made her happy. The moss is soft. like my sheepskin rug. hmm
-Ll
poster:LlurpsieNoodle
thread:770579
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070714/msgs/770705.html