Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 19, 2007, at 15:08:30
I posted a long one way back on April 18th. Buried somewhere in the middle of an unrelated rant was the concern that I was actually a bipole not a unipole. (I'm NOT a unicorn. This much is clear)
pdoc had his concerns and put me on lamictal. T reassured me at the time that she and pdoc would continue to treat my symptoms as they came up. ptsd being the main facet of my diagnosis.
Now I have a different T, and I've gradually started warming to the idea that I'm back in therapy again. I have a new pdoc too. new pdoc got my charts from old pdoc, new pdoc consulted with the new T, the quieT, and somewhere in the middle of my last session (somewhere in between taking extra antipsychotics during an "episode" and me wondering why he was so happy?) he suggested that I read "An unquiet mind".
Feeling all smug I waved my hand rolled my eyes. oh, I know THAT story. whatever. Then of course I find a bookstore on my vacation and I read the whole book in a sitting.
Earmarking pages "hey that sounds like me :( "I found an awful lot of earmarks. Never really thought about my hyperhappies or my agitated swingies as part of the whole picture. Dismissed them as "side effects" of life or medication.
And my response to lamictal (positive, I think).
leave me scratching my head. who's afraid to dx me? Why didn't anyone ever tell me that these "episodes" or whatnot are consistent with psychosis? How come *I* didn't notice, who had been so quick to admit that brother is a bipole and dad probably too. and on my mom's side...
Now I don't know what to do. Do I pretend to live my inane little life, being treated for some disease that I'm not even sure I have? Do I have the guts to actually question one of my doctors? Can I handle whatever they have to tell me, as I make myself vulnerable to the answer to my question?
I'm stumped. On the one side is tormented ignorance, on the other side is this ...sentence...
I know what it feels like to lose my mind. And the torture of trying to find it again. the uncertainty and the self-hatred and paralyzing fears.
I know that people (on this board and people I know IRL) have bipolar disorder and do very well. Some people are even professors of psychiatry at Johns Hopkins, apparently.
And I've probably mildly offended dozens of you, and possibly wounded many too.
Just kick me. this is a lose-lose.
poster:LlurpsieNoodle
thread:770579
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070714/msgs/770579.html