Posted by Daisym on July 31, 2008, at 2:25:28
In reply to Long term CBT***csa trigger***--Whay am I going?, posted by antigua3 on July 30, 2008, at 17:01:59
Let me premise this with "I'm taking pain meds" just in case it isn't coherent. (Surgery a week ago.)
My first question is what are you looking for, connected to long-term CBT? Do you want to make sure you are doing it right...or that your pdoc is doing it right? When I begin to research I typically figure out much later that I'm looking for 1) a short cut or 2) to understand the rules of whatever "tricks" my therapist might try to use on me. Asking yourself what you are trying to understand is a really good question. Fallsfall told me a long time ago that therapy really started to work for her when she stopped doing her own therapy and began to trust her therapist to do it (paraphrased).
As far as the research on csa goes, "straight" CBT is not the therapy of choice, but a type of CBT called "exposure therapy" has lots of clinical evidence that it works. That doesn't mean it won't work for you. It just means that for most people, changing their thoughts doesn't help them integrate their trauma or learn how to live with it. If you haven't read Babette Rothschild,'s "The Body Remembers" I'd recommend it.
I think I know what you mean about the distorted beliefs left behind. But I think the challenge is not to necessarily figure out what is "true" or "real" or "correct" - but instead to be able to hold two truths at the same time. Yes, you loved him. There were likely good reasons for that. My dad was my primary caretaker for the first 5 years of my life. So he hurt me but he also made a deep connection to me. And to this day, he says the most outrageous things but that doesn't negate the fact that he did call, that he loves me and he worries -- all very dad things to do.
And yet, I know, very deeply, that he also destroyed me - or a potential me. So I imagine you love your dad and hate him. It is really hard to let the hate part out. We want to say, "I hate what he did but not him" etc. And maybe you don't. Only very recently can I say those words - but boy do they echo "this is a large sin" when I do. That's not to say that you might not be distorted - there might be more to hate than love when you look at all the facts dispassionately. Maybe your dad was a really bad guy. But that doesn't change how you feel.
Timing - as they say. It might be equally helpful to acknowledge why you loved him and what you hoped for, as much as it would to try and force reality into your brain and heart. I just don't think that will work - the conflict is too deep.
For me - the conflict remains in the realm of "why?" Why did he do this? What drove him? As I've started to let go (some) of the "it was my fault, I turned him into a monster" beliefs, I've noticed another question looming large - "could I have saved him? Could I have turned the monster back into the dad I loved?" These are questions that are painful to grapple with and come from the youngest, most scared parts of me. The adult can think about them rationally and answer all the questions and explain all the feelings and draw all the connections. But the child is frightened and confused - and has a lot of plain old grieving to do.
Keeping writing, Antigua. This is such important work you are doing.
poster:Daisym
thread:843034
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080727/msgs/843198.html