Posted by wishingstar on August 6, 2008, at 13:39:07
I cant find a better word than "uncomfortable" to describe how I'm feeling regarding therapy right now.
The very brief backstory since I dont post often anymore is that I've been seeing the same T for almost two years now. I've had a lot of concerns about not being "real" with her and it feeling more like a friendship sometimes than a therapy relationship. I work in the mental health/social work field myself, in the same town, so we have contacts with some of the same people professionally (but never each other).
In the last month or so, I've been dancing with an eating disorder and lost a bit of weight. I was small to begin with so now I'd say I'm slightly underweight but not terribly so. Until last Monday (I go once a week), we'd talked about it but not too seriously. She was gone for a week weeks and then when I saw her this week, something was different. She felt like I'd lost more weight (I actually hadnt, not since the last session) and she got much more serious with me. That's probably warrented. I've seen her "concerned" face/reaction before and Monday was partly that but partly frustration. I was telling her that I was trying (I truly am) and cited the fact that I hadnt lost weight since last session, and she said "yes, but you didnt gain any either". True, but the way she said it felt like "that doesnt matter, if you were really trying you'd have gained". I AM trying, I swear. I felt like I had a different therapist that day and I walked away feeling sort of angry and unsupported. I know she's concerned and it's probably coming out of that, but I just didnt the feeling I got from her overall. I told her how very uncomfortable I am talking about body image, self-worth, etc (but didnt refuse to) and she suggested we limit talking about any of that to 20 min per session and talk about other stuff (boyfriend, etc which is "easy") the rest of the sessions. I feel like (and told her) doing that is just avoiding the issues. I know it's my responsibiltiy to talk and she cant drag anything out of me, but I guess I just feel like she's not taking me seriously. To be honest, I think that's a small part of what's driving my weight loss right now. If I'm drastic enough, she'll take me seriously. Yes, I plan to tell her this. My bad feelings about therapy arent really about any of these interactions in particular... just an overall feeling of "hear me! something IS wrong!". Last session, I felt like I lost my regular T for awhile. She agreed to let me send her an email this week because I said things were hard to verbalize and I plan to do it before my next session.
The other seperate issue happened today. I've been considering driving about 2 hours to see an old T for one session. Long story why, but I think it'd be useful. Old T agreed to do it even though I'm seeing current T and I want current Ts permission before I do it because I dont want to step on anyones feet. I left a message for current T Tues morning asking about this and referring to what I'm going through right now. Not the most personal message in the world, but not stuff I'd share with just anyone either. I didnt realize it, but shes out of the office the rest of the week. Usually she checks her messages anyway, but isnt this week. I got a voicemail from another counselor at the center this morning saying she'd heard my message as she was checking my Ts voicemails for her and when she'd be back etc. The issue is, I have a professional relationship (though a small one) with this T. My T is the director of the center and there are 5ish other Ts there. I've referred a few of my clients to this other T and talked with her professionally maybe 3-4 times about shared cases. This T knows I see my T and I'm just fine with that, but I feel like I'm mixing worlds here and feel very uncomfortable receiving a message about a personal issue meant for my T from this T. I will mention it to my T Monday, no problem, and I think the key is to stop referring to them because of this potential conflict, but it never occured to me that this could happen. I'm sure my T never even thought about it and I dont blame her, but ick.
Those two things combined make me feel very weird about therapy in general. I'm feeling a bit abandoned. She ALWAYS checks her voicemail when she's gone for the week etc, and I do believe that she really isnt this week, but her sudden unavailability, combined with my session Monday, just feels very bad. I'm strongly reminded of the professional nature of our relationship and I feel a little rejected and disliked by her right now.
I will talk to her about this. I dont quite know why I'm posting... just for someone to understand I guess.
I think I may go ahead and go see the other T the one time as planned tomorrow even without current Ts permission, since shes gone. My only fear there is that my relationship with this old T has been very special and I hold on to it, even though I dont see her anymore, and seeing her would risk a bad session and messing up that relationship in my mind. We'll see.
Thanks for reading. Sorry for rambling.
poster:wishingstar
thread:844587
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080727/msgs/844587.html