Posted by wishingstar on August 7, 2008, at 17:02:04
In reply to Re: Uncomfortable... (very long), posted by Phillipa on August 7, 2008, at 13:08:24
Wow, thanks everyone for all the great responses... a lot to think about. There are some particular things I want to respond to but I'm feeling pretty sick (physically) right now so I'll do it later tonight hopefully.
I just want to drop out of therapy and "mental health treatment" and everything that includes. I saw my pdoc today. For some reason, she thinks I lie to her and evade her questions. I DONT. I couldnt be more honest and upfront with her if I had to. Today she was unhappy with me because she asked me how I felt in one word and I told her I couldnt do it in one word. In terms of my depression, I said I feel great. In terms of anxiety/eating disorder/etc, I told her I feel pretty bad.. uncomfortable and anxious. I then said I couldnt rate it overall on a scale or in one word because of these two opposing feelings. All of that was probably about a one minute explanation. She was unhappy and lectured me on how its important to be able to give an overall sense of how you feel without referring to any specific issue. I'm sorry but I dont always agree. I spent years at the beginning of therapy learning that people can feel more than one thing at once and that it's okay to hold opposing feelings. And I spent years, literally, learning to be able to describe how I felt in more than one word (when one word really wasnt enough). I didnt ramble on to pdoc for 30 min.. I have her a MAYBE one minute summary because I felt like picking a number on a 1-10 scale, or one word, would describe one half of me but ignore the other, as the two sides are quite opposites right now. I'M NOT WRONG for needing two words to describe my feelings rather than one. When I finished my 1 minute answer, he response was "well that was evasive". NO IT WASNT! It was as honest and real as I could possibly be. Yes, I spoke up about my frustration and no, it didnt make a difference. I called her and left a voicemail 30 min later with a concise explanation of my frustration but said I didnt need a call back. I did also call my T and leave her a message invalidating the release form I've signed to allow them to talk until I'm able to talk to T again myself. I dont want pdoc telling T things about me that arent true. I hate them all. I really just want to stop all mental health treatment of any sort. I swear it just makes things harder. **** them all. This is not the first time pdoc has done things similar to this. She thinks she has me all figured out, but she doesnt.
(Of course there's also the part where now I'll sit all night and beat myself up, wondering if I really am just worthless and avoiding any help anyone tries to give me and therefore at blame for still having the problems I have.)
poster:wishingstar
thread:844587
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080727/msgs/844817.html