Posted by wishingstar on August 6, 2008, at 17:09:18
In reply to Re: Uncomfortable... (very long) » wishingstar, posted by Lucie Lu on August 6, 2008, at 16:14:58
Lucie.. thanks for the great response. Not rambling at all. I think what you said in the first paragraph is exactly right. I work in a very confrontational job and have to be "on" all day long. I want to be able to drop the competent, intelligent, whatever thing while I'm in therapy but I dont feel comfortable doing it for the most part. I want to so badly, but I dont feel like I can. I know what I need in therapy, but not well enough to verbalize it clearly enough for anyone to get it I guess.
I should note that I'm not actually a regular old therapist myself. I'm currently working for social services/child welfare, but previous to this (a year ago) I was doing in-home therapy with children/parents who needed therapy more intense than outpatient. Similar to being a regular T I guess, but also very different. I cant imagine my current T feels any sort of competition with me. If she feels uncomfortable, I think it would be less because I'm in the field and more because, as we've discussed, insight and understanding comes very easily to me and I really dont need her help with that. I can generally figure out why I feel a certain way before she can. What I need help with is trust, vulnerability.. the feelings side. Not the thinking side. She told me once a year ago maybe that doing therapy with me is a learning experience because she has to think of things from a different angle. I dont know. Spouting insight and thoughts is very much a defense mechanism for me, and I've said that very thing to her, but I guess neither of us know where to go. I've sent emails that are very emotional and honest (written while I was very upset, etc) and shes mentioned them but never sees the importance. I think she always feels like they were just things I felt in the midst of a crisis and arent real in my day to day life. I guess I could be more clear on that but that's where it gets so hard for me. I once (over a year ago) gave her a list of reasons I felt like I should kill myself at the time. She said she didnt want to talk too much then because she didnt want to push too hard (I was definitely in crisis) but then a few months later said she didnt want to talk about it because I was doing so much better and didnt want to trigger the bad stuff again. It never did get talked about.
I think eating disorders are not her specialty. She is not overweight at all.. shes thin but not too thin and looks good. She's probably late 30s and fairly pretty. She told me 2 or 3 weeks ago she has 2 other clients with eating disorders, one of whom is about to go inpatient and the other who is emaciated. I may be underweight, but I'm not emaciated. I was very triggered and my immediate reaction was "you're not doing a good enough job at this". Of course that isnt what she meant, but I think comparing patients is something a person who specializes in EDs wouldnt do.
I think her frustration may be partly that she feels like I know better and I'm smarter than this. She's right, of course I KNOW better, but if we always did what we know to be healthy, no one would be in therapy. I dont think she knows what to do with me. I dont either. Of course I'm not blaming her completely (it probably sounds like it). I know I have to do the real work and push what is important. She cant read my mind. I do try, but I could probably try harder. It's just very hard for me and I feel like I have to be really blunt with it for it to get through right now. Mentioning gently is hard but manageable for me, but being direct and persistent feels almost impossible right now. I'm about to slip into "blame myself" mode so I'll stop there... :)
poster:wishingstar
thread:844587
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080727/msgs/844632.html