Posted by llurpsienoodle on August 8, 2008, at 17:41:39
I'm wounded by therapy this morning. I asked T what his treatment plan for me was. He said that he was there to support me in going forward and accomplishing my personal goals [good] and to get me to accept myself, all my parts, as a whole [good] and to accept myself as a clinician (yes, he used that word) despite the fact that I may be a little fragile. I asked T if he treats me differently than his other clients. He was very very careful in his words. Almost more careful than I've ever seen. He asked me to clarify. I said- do you treat me differently because we are in the same field? He was kind of at a loss for words. I jumped in "I'm sorry I asked" "no, no, it's a good topic to discuss". I mentioned that he often tells me about interesting cases that he's treated, and asked him if he talks about that with his other clients? Not really, he said. He said that our relationship reminds him of when he supervised interns. That in the best supervision relationships the intern would bring in aspects of their own experience into the discussion. "oh". That supervision was probably the best experience of his career.
I wish he would see beyond the countertransference, beyond me meeting HIS needs.
Once again, I feel that only my competence is valued, that my emotional experiences-- my sensitivity, is neglected, ignored, in the hopes that it will extinguish itself. The previous session I had expressed great frustration that my dad only sees me as the sum of my talents. My T said- "but your talents are you! that's a part of who you are"
No wonder that I don't feel I can bring the whole person into the room. I have to check my neuroses and depression at the door. There is an advantage, of course, in strengthening the ego, but at the expense of fragmenting my experience into the acceptable positives and the secret, private filth? All this talk of "integration" is bullsh*t. I'm just honing my acting skills and returning the filth to some dark recess of my mind, where it will fester until I experience some stress.
I don't NEED another supervisor. I already have 3 of those. I need someone to understand ME, to allow me to show the cracks in my psyche, the dark side of the moon.
Tears are running down my face. I feel so misunderstood and undervalued.
poster:llurpsienoodle
thread:845004
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080727/msgs/845004.html