Posted by llurpsienoodle on August 8, 2008, at 23:28:56
In reply to Re: What is my T doing? » llurpsienoodle, posted by Dinah on August 8, 2008, at 17:55:30
I left him a voicemail
I've never done this in between sessions before, but it has been bothering me so.
I can't really remember what I told him exactly, because I kind of blanked at the moment (stage fright). All I know is that my voice was on the verge of tears (and THAT is pretty obvious).
Hey (T) I don't think things went so well in our session today. I think you enjoy being with the nice Llurpsie so much that the delicate, fragile, angry, hurt Llurpsie doesn't even feel welcome in the room [here I borrow liberally from ideas by the brilliant (((((Nadezda)))))]. I think this idea of integration of different aspects of my experience is bullsh*t, as long as you don't encourage me to work with you on the hard stuff. Also, I don't need another supervisor, I have enough of those already. have a nice weekend. mumble mumble I never called you like this before, so I dunno how you feel about calling me back mumble mumble...See you Tuesday
I forgot to mentionto him that intellectualization is my primary default defense mechanism. When llurpsie feels threatened, or unsure, she resorts to the safe place that is her intellect. Logic and reason being old friends. Debate-style arguments on esoteric themes being the bread and butter of my communication style.
Lately I've been taking the lead in therapy by talking about EASY stuff, namely a few colorful cases, and how they are unfolding. Sprinkled in with assorted moanings about the never-ending saga of the 3-week sister-in-law visit (she MAY be returning, since she can't seem to patch things up with her [ex?] husband AAaaarghhhhh! and some anxieties about my postdoc starting in a couple weeks.
So, I'm in uncharted territories. T probably figures we're sailing along smoothly, but I'm getting more and more scared that we're headed towards the wrong outcome. Having professional validation only helps the strong side of me. I've always been fairly confident that I have a lot to offer, professionally. It's just the personal stuff that is so messy right now. How to assert myself in my own household. How not to be triggered by a phone call from Dad. How to cope with intense dreams and sudden attacks of anxiety that bring me back to the terror of being a powerless wee one.
etc.
I remain confident that we can work through this, but it's going to take a lot to get that "delicate side" to come out in session and to make my primal fears known. She gets scared easily. It was only 2 mos ago that T had to remind me that he was a safe person and that nothing was going to happen in his office. THAT scared. The whites of my eyes showing and eyeing the doorway.
-Ll
poster:llurpsienoodle
thread:845004
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080727/msgs/845082.html