Posted by yellowbird01 on June 23, 2009, at 20:56:27
In reply to Re: Caring (and lack of) from therapist » Daisym, posted by yellowbird01 on June 22, 2009, at 21:11:37
Well, I did go and see my T today. All these issues I've posted about didnt come up until the last 10 min or so of the session, so it didnt get far. I told her how I'm feeling like everything I say is made into a diagnosis or taken in a way that makes me look sicker, etc. Told her I feel like shes not listening/understanding. Told her how I used to be so comfortable with her etc and how it feels so different now. She said it's because we've never gone this deep before. Possible, I guess, but I dont think that's the full explanation. She tried to ask me why these issues have to be so black and white, which was frustrating because what I really want more than anything it to find the gray! I feel like she's forcing me into black/white and no matter how much I try to blur it, she wont let me. After a few minutes of this, my voice started to break and I was very close to tears, mostly tears of frustration, and she seemed to at least get how serious I am if nothing else. I told her that if this doesnt get better, I'm going to stop coming. A minute later, when we went to schedule, she asked me if I was coming as usual next week... not in a dismissive way though. She seemed to take me seriously when I said I'm close to being done. I hope. She said that she had a few thoughts as to why things are different but needed to think about it first before she put them out there. I dont know what to think about that. We'll see, I guess. As I left, I requested that she just please consider not only why I might be resisting in her mind, as has been her big focus, but also consider that maybe we have just miscommunicated and the things she feels so sure of just arent all accurate. I hope she really will.
(mild self harm trigger) I'm feeling bad. I'm having strong self-harm urges, which isnt something I really engage in anymore. I think I'm wanting to self-harm right now as a method of communicating to her how hard this is for me and how serious I really am. It's scary to me to even be having these urges because it has been a non-issue for me for so long. I know therapy stirs things up, but part of me feels like this cant possibly be healthy. I just dont know. (end of trigger)
I've read some interesting things in "In Session" (book) and online about gaslighting... basically, what occurs when someone makes a person doubt their own view of reality. I'm really relating to it right now. Going to read up a bit more. I can post an interesting link or two if anyone else is interested in this topic.
I have an appt Friday with another T who led the group in the hospital day program I did a few years back. The appt is to discuss the problems I'm having in therapy and with T and how best to handle it. I'm considering canceling it. At this point, I cant even clearly describe to myself what is happening or why it feels so bad. There's no way I'll be able to adequately describe it to anyone else.
Thank you all for listening. It really helps to have an outlet for this.
poster:yellowbird01
thread:902532
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090614/msgs/902826.html