Posted by antigua3 on June 27, 2009, at 10:00:33
I've been trying to figure out why these words, when applied to me, bother me so very much. This is MY problem; I'm not implying that anyone else may feel this way.
This week my pdoc told me emphatically that I was a victim and I visibly cringed when he said it. He was just trying to point out that I wasn't responsible, so I understand completely why he used the word. But it still makes me cringe. Being a victim, maybe, means I have to admit to myself how bad the abuse really was, but more importantly, and wrongly probably, it makes me feel weak and brings forth really harsh feelings I have about myself--that I'm dirty and disgusting, just awful things.
Being called a survivor makes me think I deserve a gold star or something and that bothers me a lot too. I think this has to do with not having an internal barometer of how "bad" the abuse really was. I mean, lots of horrible things happened, but hey, lots of people have bad things happen to them. It's like I've normalized it, which I think is probably denial again. My T and pdoc are my barometers and I'm always shocked when they tell me how terrible the experiences were--I tend to ask after something new has come up, just so I can have some sort of idea.
Does anyone have any ideas? Please understand that I mean absolutely no disrespect to anyone about how they feel about the use of these terms. This is my problem and I'd like to figure it out.
thanks,
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:903453
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090614/msgs/903453.html