Posted by fleeting flutterby on June 28, 2009, at 10:33:01
In reply to Re: Victim/Survivor terminology**possible sa trigg, posted by antigua3 on June 27, 2009, at 18:53:56
> I don't see myself as innocent of responsibility. I believe it logically, but I don't feel it. How do you do that?<<
---flutterby: Yes, this is exactly where I am at too. not sure how to "feel" it.
> This hurts a lot, not being able to get my head around this. I guess I'm not at ease w/the fact that it happened and that it was damaging and permanent.
>
> I don't want it to be damaging and permanet! That hurts so very much. It's very raw.<<---flutterby: I'm sorry it hurts you so much. You know what though, every experience that holds some meaning(negative or positive) is permanent. Like seeing a movie that really touches you-- it becomes a permanent part of you, or reading a book that speaks what you've been trying to say-- that also is permanent. I think any life experience that gives meaning- evil or good-- is permanent within us. The thing that matters is how we decide to live with it, finding our way to inner peace and loving ourselves for all our flaws and graces.
>
> I thought I was learning to accept it, but at some level I'm still denying it. Partly because it feels like believing it destorys my core self and I feel like I have no legs to stand on if I have to accept it. I know logically that's not true--I've grown up, but have I really? Is it safer to want to feel the innocence of being the young girl before the abuse, or is to better to accept it the horribleness, incorporate what this means to me at my core self into my present day life and move on? That's the goal, but it's just too sad and painful to give it up, or maybe it's too sad to accept it.<<---flutterby: not sure I understand some things-- "too sad and painful to give it up"--- do you mean give up that little innocent girl? if so-- you don't have to give that up-- that is a part of you and always will be. don't you think there is a part of you that is sweet and innocent? I believe there is.
"too sad to accept it"-- do you mean the abuse and how it made you see yourself? maybe, now this is my case and just thought I'd share it in case you can relate--- maybe the abuse was so far off balance(the norm of healthy people) that one figures it had to have been me(the child), at least in part, being the bad one, as an adult just woudln't do such a thing without me(the ignorant child) somehow at the steering wheel.like was said in some other posts-- I think one of the keys to inner peace is to parent oneself -- be the loving parent that that little girl needed. This is what I'm working on with the T. i see..... it's hard though...... very hard.
wishing you peace
flutterby-mandy
poster:fleeting flutterby
thread:903453
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090614/msgs/903589.html