Posted by wittgensteinz on June 28, 2009, at 9:10:21
In reply to This is ridiculous, posted by antigua3 on June 27, 2009, at 19:49:56
To reiterate what others have said - no you don't sound pathetic.
I'm very sorry for what happened to your baby and I think the link you draw between the contaminated needle and the doctor and with your father and you (and the feeling of being contaminated - losing your innocence because of the abuse) is important.
Try not to focus on the number of years you've been working on this. It makes it sound like the 19 years were a static time when really you know you have made a lot of progress. It's a journey and it will take as long as it takes - it's ok to take as long as you need. It's not pathetic.
Feelings I've felt about the trauma I experienced growing up include the inability to measure it - was it or was it not abuse? Am I imagining it? If I tell then they'll know somehow and then what? - guilt for being disloyal to my parents - feeling that I have been manipulative if someone else describes it as 'abuse' or validates me in some way (I must have tricked them into thinking that) - this also brings on tremendous feelings of guilt and of grief. Feelings of: did I deserve it - did I cause it?
What I mean to say is that it's very complex and each feeling needs to be unraveled and worked through again and again.
Something that comes to mind every now and again is the thought: am I justified in having the problems I have because of what happened in the past? I swing from feelings of self-hatred to a deep self-pity and an anger that no-one is protecting or 'saving' me. Sometimes I feel so unsafe in the world - I just wish I could be wrapped up and held tightly.
For me, some days I feel like nothing happened, and if anyone would suggest otherwise it would cause me guilt and embarrassment, whereas other days I wish the whole world would know - in those moments I long for validation and feel full of trapped rage and resentment.
So, I don't think what you're going through is ridiculous. You asked how you can go from logically knowing what happened when you were a girl was not your fault to emotionally acknowledging it. I don't know the answer I'm afraid but perhaps through a process of re-parenting with your therapist and pdoc you will gradual change. My therapist has talked about providing a positive re-parenting experience. If you can form the necessary attachment to your pdoc and he can convey to you that you were not responsible then perhaps in time you will open up emotionally to this idea yourself.
Witti
poster:wittgensteinz
thread:903453
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090614/msgs/903586.html