Posted by BarbaraCat on November 10, 2003, at 19:30:04
In reply to Re: Glad you are here - » BarbaraCat, posted by katia on November 8, 2003, at 14:53:40
Hi Katia,
>I like the full of trouble Katia, not the good one. I like the drinking katia better.**Oh, I hear you, honey. I'm boring myself to pieces with my normal sane slightly depressed little good-girl self. If it weren't for the payback I'd be sloshing back a glass of swampwater as we speak.
>>And then everyone else joined in. The whole night was a drunken debauchery.
**It's amazing how people really want to just cut loose and give over to that wild spirit that lives inside them. At least in our culture people are so repressed and afraid of making 'fools of themselves'. Sometimes it takes just one person to ignite that spark. I've never been afraid to do that. I'm even not 'afraid' to do it when sober but I'm not always interested in it or don't have the energy or can't find the flame or passion in it. It just seems like too much trouble. Maybe that's just depression talking.
> anyway, I'll get that spirit back, but not from spirits in the bottle! I just need to relearn.
**Amen, Amen again, Sister! Just this morning for the first time in oh, upteen years, I put on my friggin running shoes that were covered with dust and took to the road. Actually, it was a dream, a very powerful dream I had last night where my Voice, my higher self who comes to me now and then told me to 'just put on my running shoes and all else will come from there'. I heaved and ho'd and had to stop frequently but afterward I felt a tingly lovely buzzy feeling that I vaguely remember from when I used to be a runner and super fit. Maybe what we'll find is a different kind of spark and spirit. I keep it in my mind that if I keep up these healthy ways in 10 years time I'll look and feel gorgeous instead of like a decrepit old bag.
>>And honestly, I don't want to be the one who humiliates herself (from my perspective everyone else loved it) and gets up and dances in front of the entire party....
**The truth is that 90% of those there truly wish they had the cojones to be that audatious. But yeah, sometimes it goes a bit too far and is hard to live down. When I get inhabited by 'the little girl', the one who displaces me entirely, the one who is pretty pissed off and doesn't give a rip - and she is definitely NOT my 'inner child' - well, things have gotten pretty interesting and I wasn't even there to enjoy it.
>>you've been there , i"m sure! But my point is, thing's are changing and people notice.
**Part of the sadness for me is that I know I'll probably have to drop the friends who still have an alcohol jones.
> BTW, did you actually go to a couple of AA meetings recently?
**No, not recently but about 5 years ago, I tried it about 5 times. I also have a very good friend who'se been in it very actively for 4 years. I always stumble on the powerless disease concept and have a very hard time with God as we know 'Him' and the emphasis on a Christian belief system that invites all sorts of fundamentalism in that I can't ignore or filter out. Like I mentioned before, I have a very strong connection to Spirit, believe wholeheartedly in a Higher Power, and love Jesus with all my heart. But I can't just sit there and pretend I can abide this generic white-bread Higher Power dude who seems to be invoked at every meeting. I also don't agree with the continual meeting-going nor do I have the time. And out here in this rural conservative logger's bastion I doubt things will be any more enlightened. What helps me, besides gritting my teeth, is attending weekly sangha at a Buddhist monastery and hanging out with the other 1/2 of my friends who don't drink. Unfortunately, they are not nearly as much fun as my wild and crazy friends. Although they're a bit more coherent as the evening wears on. I guess, dear Katia, we'll have to find a way to remain wild and crazy and not ruin our brains or livers. Lotsa love, Barbara
> take care,
> Katia
poster:BarbaraCat
thread:268981
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20031014/msgs/278346.html