Posted by BarbaraCat on November 8, 2003, at 11:19:21
In reply to Glad you are here - » katia, posted by puravida on November 7, 2003, at 20:23:57
Hi PV,
Glad you found us. My drinking time was always cooking dinner. I'd put on public radio, listen to Fresh Air, or The Splendid Table, or 'New Dimentions', have 1/2 to a bottle of wine and think profound thoughts. I adored the ritual, looked forward to it all day long. That nice warm glow Katia speaks of was waiting there for me no matter how crappy I felt. I could always depend upon feeling better immediately, could teeter over to the piano and think I sounded like hot sh*t, could write in my journal and consider myself another Hemingway (in more ways than one). Be the first and last one up on the dance floor, whip up some energy no matter how exhausted I felt.But like you, one never was enough and I'd usually come out to the kitchen the next morning feeling like I was run over by a Hummer and see the empty bottle and think 'now how did that happen?' The blank outs were concerning me, my husband's silences, my puffy face and body, the fact that I have fibromyalgia, on medication, supposedly having a spiritual practice and feeling like a hypocrite. When I was in the worst of my fibromyalgia and had to quit work and drop out of site I was too sick to drink for over a year and the taste of it nauseated me. It was hard to tell if I felt any better for it cause I was feeling like hell anyway. But as soon as I started healing that little tickle got the best of me again.
It got got the point that I knew every time I'd give in after swearing the next morning I'd 'never do it again' that I had a problem. But, apart from the pleasure the feeling gave me I now know after being off it for a month (and, like Katia, a few slip ups that I consciously gave in to), I realize how it was masking some very deep anxiety and grief.
It's very very difficult to not have that comfort and soothing there at my command and have to deal with awful discomfort and not knowing what to do with myself with the anxiety. For me, it's the anxiety more than any depression. I feel like someone's taken a file to my nerve endings and like I'll scream from the onslaught of abrasive stimuli. If it gets too bad I'll take a benzo because I don't think suffering such stress is productive and I've never had a hankering for downers anyway. They just don't do for me what wine does and abusing them for a dull 'pleasure' seems pointless.
I never considered myself a 'drunk' since I never downed a bottle of hard liquor a day or anything drastic. It was only wine and only white wine that I craved, but there's something in wine that has my name on it. It must have some kind of alergen that is sweet poison to my body cause it creates personality changes, depression and sickness. Knowing I had to do something, I went to a few AA meetings, and even though I believe very strongly in a Higher Power and many of the precepts, the whole scene really turned me off, the little slogans especially. I ultimately did it myself with the help of books and that suits my personality the best. I wish there was a compatible non-AA group here in my little rural town but c'est la vie.
The first 2 weeks of abstinence were great and blissful. The clarity, energy, and feeling proud of myself were like a euphoria that was enough. I loved waking up in the morning after a refreshing sleep with no thick heavy feeling. But now I'm going through a missing it, like an old friend, and there isn't any quick way to comfort myself. Alot of unresolved pain is surfacing and feeling out of sorts in my body. I recall reading somewhere that once you stop drinking expect a good 6 months of now having to deal with the real issues you were avoiding. That makes alot of sense, but how does one do that and not cause the further harm of deep depression and anxiety? Yes, I know about exercising, yoga, relaxation, journaling, and these things help for the most part. So does having enough energy for the most part to pursue them. But still, I haven't created any dependable long term life changes yet and I'm dealing with some true grieving that feels like it may rip me apart. But I know it won't. I know I'm very very strong and resilient and this is just discomfort and won't kill me. This also has a real and honest feeling instead of the violent black demonic despair that would overcome me from drinking. It's hard but better than the alternative, cause that nice lovely glow would always morph into bad, bad energy. Keep in touch. - Barbara
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> Sitting at my computer in the evening without a drink seems so strange...but it's gotten to be a habit over the past few years that has caused me to gain about 30 pounds and do some pretty silly things, not to mention all of the money I've spent on wine...so I'm trying to break it.
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> I was on the MM list earlier this year and absed for three weeks. The abs and the list helped me to drink less, and/or less often, but I like drinking way too much, and haven't been able to stop completely so I can get this weight off. I keep telling myself one won't hurt, but it's hardly ever just one or two.
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> So, here I am nosing around - and thankful Dr. Bob started this board. Earlier this year I got to the point where I didn't care that I was depressed - a new low for me. So I decided to try to stop drinking to see if it would help my mood. I posted on the other boards to see if anyone could tell me from experience that my depression would be better, but no one really did, at least that convinced me. But, I know it takes more than three weeks - so here I go again.
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> I don't have Rational Recovery, but I think Responsible Drinking may be along the same lines -my Friday night reading material... :)
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> Thanks - PV
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poster:BarbaraCat
thread:268981
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20031014/msgs/277724.html