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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by lonelygal2 on February 6, 2005, at 17:18:33
i really really really want my old therapist and its not fair that i can't ever talk to her ever (i feel so abandoned). my whole life is spinning crazy crazy out of control. at least this week i'm not suicidal although i think i'm doing a good job of hurting myself in other ways.
case and point would be last night, my maneuvering myself back into a dumb situation. a couple weeks ago i met a psychiatry resident out at a bar and umm it was a long night and i ended up sleeping with him not b/c of who he was, but b/c he was a psychiatry resident- and i kept thinking this is someone's psychiatrist, and i wanted to know more about these mysterious people b/c i miss my therapist, etc.
anwyays, i did it again last night. i dont' even know his last name. yes, i'm a slut. everythign is so messed up. but anyways, from this experimentation, i have foudn that psychiatrists dont' care about people. i am convinced that everything is fake and that noone can help me and that umm, he's kind of a creep or just not very respectable/trustworthy/nice guy like. and this is someone's therapist. so i'm confused. and noone cares. and i realize i'm all alone in this world, and that your life matters to noone but yourself and only you have to fight for it i think b/c noone can help you.
i dunno, if i'm making sense. i know that my mind is going all over the place and i'm so mad at myself and i keep eating, eating, eating, but that's keep me from crying, crying, crying.
that's all.
conclusion is i'm crazy.
Posted by Susan47 on February 6, 2005, at 18:05:25
In reply to i'm crazy., posted by lonelygal2 on February 6, 2005, at 17:18:33
Sweetheart you are NOT crazy. The psychiatrist you slept with is a sleazy bum and I pity his poor patients.
Obviously the sex wasn't very good either, or you wouldn't be feeling so bad about yourself. He probably didn't take any time or effort to make you feel good, he didn't even bother with your last name or you would know his, right? I've been in situations like that. One in particular that I remember. And you know, it's always always always the professional men who are like that. I myself should have known before I attributed all these good qualities to my own therapist, qualities he no doubt doesn't even possess.
Honey, I want to give you the biggest hug of your life right now. I want you to know I've been where you are, I'll probably be there again at some point in my life.
You can Babble me if you like. But you say you know now that psychiatrists don't care about people. Was this guy so awful that you're thinking they all have some kind of psychosis? Hmh, maybe they do. I know my last psychiatrist was a freaky wash-up certainly. I don't think he had his life together at all at all.
Posted by lonelygal2 on February 6, 2005, at 21:46:35
In reply to Re: i'm crazy. » lonelygal2, posted by Susan47 on February 6, 2005, at 18:05:25
thanks susan. i am so embarassed now that i posted that. i wish i could un-post it. :( everything sucks.
Posted by Susan47 on February 6, 2005, at 23:14:19
In reply to Re: i'm crazy. » Susan47, posted by lonelygal2 on February 6, 2005, at 21:46:35
Embarrassment is a waste of time. Believe me, I know. In the last year I've embarrassed myself more than any human being has any right to. :]
Posted by bent on February 7, 2005, at 9:19:37
In reply to i'm crazy., posted by lonelygal2 on February 6, 2005, at 17:18:33
Don’t feel embarrassed. I like to think it is safe here to share such experiences and not be judged. In fact, what you did makes a lot of sense to me really. You are right, about how mysterious 'those' people seem to us. We don’t get to know our T's on a level where we know about them, they only know about us. I can totally see the intrigue of sleeping with someone's therapist. In my opinion the therapy relationship can get so twisted and distorted in our minds. It makes your experience understandable to me. Please know that you are not crazy, you are not a slut, and you don’t have to be embarrassed. You are going through a really rough time right now. Feeling abandoned can be horribly traumatic. I am sorry you are going through this. Try to slow your mind some and if eating helps you right now, go for it. Maybe try to make deal with yourself to do something healthy today. I find that sometimes I have to meet myself in the middle...if that makes any sense. :)
Posted by lonelygal2 on February 7, 2005, at 9:57:50
In reply to Re: i'm crazy., posted by bent on February 7, 2005, at 9:19:37
thanks bent. i do feel like everyone i had to talk to- old t, old pdoc, newer old therapist ... they are all slipping away.
i e-mailed my old, old t last night again and i know i'm gonna be ignored, i'm just really desperate for someone to hear me. b/c i am not okay, and i feel like i need someone to help me urgently. i feel like i shouldn't go to a hospital or anything b/c i can sit it out, it just hurts unbelievably, when i distract myself those times are better than others, but when i'm doing nothing i can't stand it. bad thoughts.
i feel like i've become such a bad person and that noone would ever really love or care for me and that i'm all alone in this whole life thing.
Posted by lonelygal2 on February 7, 2005, at 12:03:37
In reply to Re: i'm crazy., posted by lonelygal2 on February 7, 2005, at 9:57:50
arghh.. so i did get a reply from old t, it was a sort of form letter, impersonal i can't talk to you b/c it will prevent you from establishing new relationship, etc. but at the bottom were like directions about each sentence taht seh wrote, and well seeing that i have freaked out. i wrote back something like wow, thanks that everything has to be phrased correctly and have the appearance of professionalism, and that nothing is real, and that i was so pissed that i ever thought seh cared.
i'm so hurt.
i want to do something irrational.
> thanks bent. i do feel like everyone i had to talk to- old t, old pdoc, newer old therapist ... they are all slipping away.
> i e-mailed my old, old t last night again and i know i'm gonna be ignored, i'm just really desperate for someone to hear me. b/c i am not okay, and i feel like i need someone to help me urgently. i feel like i shouldn't go to a hospital or anything b/c i can sit it out, it just hurts unbelievably, when i distract myself those times are better than others, but when i'm doing nothing i can't stand it. bad thoughts.
> i feel like i've become such a bad person and that noone would ever really love or care for me and that i'm all alone in this whole life thing.
Posted by cubic_me on February 7, 2005, at 13:01:23
In reply to Re: i'm crazy., posted by lonelygal2 on February 7, 2005, at 12:03:37
Lonelygal, I know it seems like psychiatrists and T's don't care (and yes, some, like the one you slept with, aren't great people and may not care) but there are some good ones out there. I've had a fair share of bad psychiatrists, but a few good ones too, and I think from some of the posts that people make about their T's, you can see that there *are* some good ones, they are just hard to get hold of.
I understand the pain you are going through, if you feel that you can get through this without going to the hospital then that's ok, but if you feel that you are really in danger then please try to go. You are to precious to loose.
Posted by pinkeye on February 7, 2005, at 13:47:13
In reply to Re: i'm crazy., posted by lonelygal2 on February 7, 2005, at 12:03:37
Hi lonelygal,
Sometimes the world feels very lonely, but I am sure there have been moments when someone at some time outreached their limits to help you through. Can you try to remember those times now? There are definitely good people out there who will be willing to help you. The hardest struggle is keeping that vision alive during the dark moments of life. I care about you too - if you will take it.
Pinkeye.
Posted by pinkeye on February 7, 2005, at 13:48:08
In reply to Re: i'm crazy., posted by lonelygal2 on February 7, 2005, at 12:03:37
btw, how old are you lonelygal?
Posted by mair on February 7, 2005, at 14:15:55
In reply to Re: i'm crazy., posted by lonelygal2 on February 7, 2005, at 12:03:37
LG - I know it would be wonderful for you if you could rely on previous Ts for support, but it obviously isn't going to happen in the way you want. And if you think about it, they are not located near you and probably feel that any help they could give is limited by the distance, maybe by the limitations of trying to communicate over the phone or by email, and by the amount of time that has passed since you were regularly seeing them. I'm sorry you got a response that sounded so "CYA" but that really is probably driven by the reality of your circumstances and theirs. I'm sure your ex-T feels some of the same helplessness that we all feel here when there's someone we want to be able to do so much more for.
You absolutely need to find new sources of support. You had one bad experience trying to come up with a new T. There are good ones out there - ones who are not going to be intimidated by your current level of distress. Please give finding one another shot.
Mair
Posted by lonelygal2 on February 7, 2005, at 16:03:53
In reply to Re: i'm crazy. » lonelygal2, posted by pinkeye on February 7, 2005, at 13:48:08
24
> btw, how old are you lonelygal?
Posted by pinkeye on February 7, 2005, at 16:07:57
In reply to Re: i'm crazy. » pinkeye, posted by lonelygal2 on February 7, 2005, at 16:03:53
You are still very young to develop a negative attitude towards life, don't you think. There is plenty of timespan ahead of you, and plenty of good and caring people that you will meet. why give up on life at such an early age? take care.
pinkeye.
Posted by mair on February 7, 2005, at 16:10:01
In reply to Re: i'm crazy. » pinkeye, posted by lonelygal2 on February 7, 2005, at 16:03:53
LG - How do you feel about 24?
Mair
Posted by lonelygal2 on February 7, 2005, at 16:36:19
In reply to Re: i'm crazy., posted by mair on February 7, 2005, at 16:10:01
i think i'm too old to be wanting a family that cares... that i'm old enough to have to be responsible for myself and not need or rely on anyone... that some things i should just let go...(i feel like i can close my eyes and remember exactly waht it was like to be say 16 and that all that happened years ago is still haunting me now and very much in the present adding to all the confusion i feel now)... and at this point it seems like it will be for forever before i get any stability in my life... in med school, with lots more training still awaiting me even after i graduate... and that i won't ever have a normal life anytime soon.. everything is too stressful, and without support its too hard.... and i feel like when i was younger i had so much potential ahead of me (i was so anal and always trying to prove myself to people), and now i just feel like i've lost all my drive and that i've given up so much and i've stopped trying to prove to myself that i am smart and have lost all my self-esteem and feel so stupid most of the time.... to sum it up, 24 for me is very much a state of confusion.
> LG - How do you feel about 24?
>
> Mair
Posted by Susan47 on February 7, 2005, at 16:49:25
In reply to Re: i'm crazy. » mair, posted by lonelygal2 on February 7, 2005, at 16:36:19
Oh man, lg, if I could only give you AND me the force of perspective. Looking at 24 from 47 is incredible, I see how much freedom you really have, how much I had as well, but I didn't understand because I was boxed in by my depression, it literally stopped me from living my life the way I would have wanted to; if only I'd understood there was any other way of living. I mean, I knew there must be, because other people seemed happy enough, and they weren't knocking themselves off left, right and center, so I knew at some level that my feelings were a problem. But I never sought any help, I was too ashamed of myself. I threw away a major part of my lifetime on that shame.
Posted by mair on February 7, 2005, at 17:18:16
In reply to Re: i'm crazy. » mair, posted by lonelygal2 on February 7, 2005, at 16:36:19
You're in med school? No wonder you're so stressed.
I think mid-20's are a pretty typical age for getting hit with depression. It's pretty much when it hit me. The focus of so many years of school is striving to reach the next goal, and it's easy to just run out of gas, or in my case, to reach the point where you can't figure out what the next goal should be.
To tons of the people on this Board, you are a mere child who has more than 2 more lifetimes to look forward to. At your age, you get tons of "do-overs," and if you want them, lots of new careers. I'm sure there are people in your med school class who were much older when they decided to go to med school. I know a guy who was in his 40's when he went to med school.
Trying to become a doctor is such a long process that I assume it's handled best if you're not continually looking forward to when you're done. In fact, most docs I knew when I was younger seemed to be able to find no end of fellowships. It's not like you suspend your life until you're out. Your life is just different for awhile.
I'm a huge believer in taking time off from school somewhere along the way - time off between high school and college or between college and graduate school or in the middle of college or grad school. I never did and it's probably my biggest regret. I'm sure tons of med students drop out for a time if that's what you need to do to make yourself safe and sane. There is no shame, and in fact there may be alot of wisdom, in taking a break when you need one. It seems to me that you can probably do that now with less consequence than you might be able to later, as you become more entrenched in your career.
I don't think you're ever too old to want and need support of all kinds and probably never too old to wish you didn't have as many responsibilities as you have. My mother, in her late 70's, has told me that she has never been able to stop worrying about the dangers that potentially befall her children every time one of us travels. I know that every time I get the flu, I would dearly love to have my mother around taking care of me even if she does drive me nuts when I'm healthy. I also know that what feels most overwelming to me sometimes are all of the very adult responsibilities I have. Hang around here for awhile and you'll hear lots of woman, far older than you, wish they could deal with those responsibilities better and bemoan having feelings that they think only children should have. I honestly don't think that ever stops totally, particularly maybe for those of us in therapy.
What continues to worry me about you is your lack of a support system and what seems to be a notable degree of isolation. You're pretty classically in a situation where your perceptions can be easily skewed.
Think some about the worst things that can happen to you - if you go into a hospital, or if you drop out of school, or if you flunk out of school. In the grand scheme of a whole lifetime, none of these things are awful - they may set you back or just set you in a different direction. None of them has to keep you down, and obviously none of them is as awful as giving yourself no chance at all.
I'm blabbering too much and have probably made my point far too many times.
Please try to find a T and take care of yourself.
Mair
Posted by cubic_me on February 7, 2005, at 17:21:48
In reply to Re: i'm crazy. » mair, posted by lonelygal2 on February 7, 2005, at 16:36:19
> i think i'm too old to be wanting a family that cares... that i'm old enough to have to be responsible for myself and not need or rely on anyone... that some things i should just let go...
You are NEVER too old to want a family who cares - all of us want, and to some extent need this to function properly. For some people it may never happen, but it takes a lot of working through to accept this. Are there any more options you can try with regards to finding a new T? It sounds like you could do with a sounding board and another perspective at the moment.
>(and at this point it seems like it will be for forever before i get any stability in my life... in med school, with lots more training still awaiting me even after i graduate... and that i won't ever have a normal life anytime soon..
LG, I'm in med school too, and I know how hard it can be sometimes when there seems no end to the stress, the workload etc, and everyone seems to be able to deal with it. The truth is you're not alone in this ok? Being stable seems a long way off, but it will happen, and the journey will get easier. I know that's really hard to believe when you are in the place you are now (to believe what I just said I have to be having a 'good' day).
Is there any chance you could take a year out to do something different and sort things out in your mind? Or would you just feel like that was prolonging the process? I'm taking this year out to do another degree, and it is *really* helping me to put things in perspective before I am on the wards 24/7.
Posted by mair on February 7, 2005, at 17:22:43
In reply to Re: i'm crazy. » mair, posted by lonelygal2 on February 7, 2005, at 16:36:19
When I was diagnosed with depression in my mid-20's, the pdoc who evaluated and then treated me told me I had 2 choices. Either I could go into therapy, or I could quit my job and go off somewhere and do as little as possible for awhile. I don't know if choice #2 would've worked any better than choice #1, but if I had it to do over again, I'd definitely choose choice #2. And although it seemed impossible and impractical at the time, 20-20 retrospective vision tells me that I could've found a way...
Mair
Posted by pinkeye on February 7, 2005, at 18:10:25
In reply to Re: i'm crazy. » mair, posted by lonelygal2 on February 7, 2005, at 16:36:19
Hi Lonelygal,
Are you being in med school out of compulsion of some sort - meaning - to prove to your parents or to your family etc, that you are capable etc? Is that why you are being so stressed? Sometimes when we force ourselves into a situation and are bearing with it beyond our capacity and getting depressed, it would make a lot of sense to examine if we are really doing what we want in life ourselves. If you are not really happy about being in med school, now would be a good time to examine if you really want to be a doctor - because you don't want to end up a full life time doing something you don't like.
But if you are in med school because you like it yourself and just finding it hard to cope up with the stress, taking some time off would be a good idea. OR if you can taking it slower would also be a good idea.
Don't beat yourself into anything because anybody else wants you to prove yourself for them - dad, mom etc. Do it for yourself as much as possible.
I was in the same boat as you - still am to a certain extent - doing things to prove myself to my dad - and I have been getting out of that mode for sometime now. Nobody is really worth trying to prove yourself to them. They have got their own lives to live upto their expectations. All you have got is yourself and your liking in life.I have been through this and got depressed for the same reason - trying to live a more demanind life than what I really was able to take and what I really wanted for myself - to prove myself to my dad - and that put me into depression. I have been slowly getting out of that mode and figuring out what I really want to do for myself and what makes ME happy.
This is the end of the thread.
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