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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Frida on December 9, 2005, at 13:58:25
Hi..
I'm so desperate here and crying that I don't know what to do-Today I saw my T, and we talked a bit about the next days and holidays. She's leaving for a month and a half. I'm seeing her two more times before she leaves.
I could have asked her today to see me twice a week the next two weeks and I didn't.
I was calm (inside I was crying), I just told her that before she leaves I feel the need and urgency to try to let out something--
She told me that it is hard to do that in just a short time and then have my soul and heart open like that, like a raw wound- but I told her I need to- that i will feel less threatened when I'm alone if she knows a bit more about what happened- so we agreed to do that in the next times. But two times aren't enough at all--I emailed her asking if she could consider seeing me twice a week, now that I'll be off work for a little while, but maybe she won't agree-
I've promised to talk before and didn't-I wrote that maybe she could see me early in the week and based on what I do, decide--
I begged her to consider--I was so calm today when I wish I could have sobbed and cried instead of crying all alone-
Now, it all hits me and I'm falling apart-
I don't know how to do this-
the pain inside is so horrible-
I am scared of being alone with all those things-I should have told her something today, I should have let it out-
i"m afraid of keeping all the feelings to myself.
I'm having such a hard time showing feelings when I"m there and the moment I walk out the door it all comes to me.How can I accomplish this in just two sessions???
and then wait for a month and a half...I feel totally lost here and it hurts so much I don't know how to handle it
please...help...
Frida
Posted by happyflower on December 9, 2005, at 14:15:34
In reply to totally losing it here :*** ( *warning**, posted by Frida on December 9, 2005, at 13:58:25
(((((Frida))))) Having a T go away for that long must is tough. I think she now knows that there is something important you want to tell her. Maybe now she will help you bring it all out. Did she call or email you back yet? I know we aren't your T, but we are here, and will help ya through it, a lot of us has gone through this before, and we can try to make the time go faster. Would she be able to at least touch base with you during this time? (((((more hugs))))
Posted by muffled on December 9, 2005, at 14:26:17
In reply to totally losing it here :*** ( *warning**, posted by Frida on December 9, 2005, at 13:58:25
Maybe you freaking cuz you worried more about the separation than about having to let it out. You've held it as long time I suppose. Just ahte to see you let it out and not have after support. How have you held it this long? Can you wait? I have taken posts into my T cuz I am often unable to express myself.
You can talk to us too.
Does your T have a T that covers for her/him while they gone?
Sorry you feel bad :(
Muffled
Posted by Tamar on December 9, 2005, at 14:39:59
In reply to totally losing it here :*** ( *warning**, posted by Frida on December 9, 2005, at 13:58:25
(((((Frida)))))I hear your distress. I can understand that you really, really want to tell her, but that you’re very afraid to talk.
She might agree to see you twice a week… or she might not have time in her schedule. I know that it would be a huge disappointment to you if you don’t get to see her more often, or if you don’t manage to tell her.
On the other hand, it sounds like you’re putting yourself under a great deal of pressure to tell her just before she goes away and is unable to support you in the aftermath of telling.
If you haven’t told her *any* of it, then you might find it really hard to start and then have to stop for a month and a half.
It sounds to me as if the urgency to tell comes from a fear of abandonment. Maybe you want to be sure she knows ‘who you are’ before she leaves you. Maybe you’re a little afraid she’ll never come back.
The thing that worked for me when I was afraid to talk was writing it. It took me a while to be able to write it. But after I wrote it down I was able to talk about it. Have you tried writing some of it down?
You probably won’t be able to tell her everything before you go. But if you are able to tell her the first sentence of it you might feel better. And then you’ll have to find ways to maintain your emotions while she’s away. I reckon you shouldn’t try to tell everything in the circumstances.
I told my T I wanted to talk about sexual violence (I couldn’t say the R-word). For two sessions we discussed what talking about sexual violence would mean. It took ages before I could tell any kind of story. Whatever you want to discuss, if you can give it a name that you can say but that you can feel able to distance yourself from if necessary… that might be an answer for you.
Sorry; I don’t think I’m being much help. But I’ll be thinking of you.
Take care,
Tamar
Posted by muffled on December 9, 2005, at 15:12:18
In reply to totally losing it here :*** ( *warning**, posted by Frida on December 9, 2005, at 13:58:25
Posted by Anneke on December 9, 2005, at 16:13:07
In reply to totally losing it here :*** ( *warning**, posted by Frida on December 9, 2005, at 13:58:25
Frida,
I hope you don't mind me responding since I'm new, but your post just called out to me. I'm so sorry your therapist is going to be away so long. It is so hard to be alone with all the feelings....
I don't have much to recommend that hasn't been suggested except is there anyway you can arrange for a phone check-in while she's gone or will she have e-mail access? Not always great substitutes, but I've had some success in staying in touch by e-mail when my therapist is gone.
I know the feeling of wanting to get something out but being afraid to do so.....I hope you get to see her soon and extra times before she leaves and that you're able to share what you need to. Hang in there and be extra gentle and patient with yourself right now.
Posted by Frida on December 9, 2005, at 17:10:37
In reply to Re: totally losing it here :*** ( *warning**, posted by happyflower on December 9, 2005, at 14:15:34
Dear Happyflower,
Thank you so much for your post and reaching out to me. I'm writing this in tears. :-(
I feel very frustrated with myself because I lost so many precious times to tell and now she's leaving for a long time. I truly missed so many opportunities.
The last time she was away she gave me a book that she loved and that helped me. What I'm really scared of is of losing myself completely. It truly took me a long time to trust and I haven't been able to let go and cry with her and I wish I could accomplish that before she goes. I can't stop crying when I'm alone- and I truly feel the need to tell her more of that so I'm not alone with it..
I haven't heard from her yet...if I don't hear from her, I'll see her on Friday :-(
thank you for being there,
I'm very scared.Frida
Posted by Frida on December 9, 2005, at 17:13:13
In reply to ((((((((((((((((FRida)))))))))you not alone, posted by muffled on December 9, 2005, at 14:26:17
dear muffled,
thank you for reaching out to me...
I am worried about both things...One thing I'm truly worried about is that this will stay inside of me forever and I won't be able to share it ever. I've held back for a long time. (all my life aching for someone to care and listen and let me cry without punishment for it)..and now that I have the chance i'm letting it go..
I wish I could at least just cry with her instead of all alone.I think I'll write to her and I will read her a letter and try to just let go ...
I'm so scared
thank you for being here
Frida
Posted by Frida on December 9, 2005, at 17:18:37
In reply to Re: totally losing it here :*** ( *warning** » Frida, posted by Tamar on December 9, 2005, at 14:39:59
Dear ((((Tamar)))))
Thank you for writing to me. It means a lot. It truly does.
I have told her some of it- in writing mostly. She knows bits. I think that more than telling her a lot, I feel the need to tell some of it and share the feelings and cry with her instead of crying all alone. A lot of times I go there feeling as if i had just been hurt, and I can't say anything, and I feel such urgency to just cry and tell her how I feel.
I hope she'll see me twice a week next week, I don't know if she'll agree to that. If she doesn't, I'll see her on Friday :-(You are right, a part of me wants to be sure she knows more, I want to be sure she knows it so I'm not alone, I want her to see my heart before she leaves. And of course I'm also afraid of her leaving *me*
I think I'll write a letter to her and read it to her and try to let myself cry when i feel it.
I truly feel scared of all this staying inside of me for a month and a half...I feel it totally overwhelms me... I wish I could just cry with her-It truly is hard to talk. It took me years. and I still can't talk freely and share. I told her I needed to tell her some of it because I can't breathe :-(
Thank you for reaching out to me!!
It means a lot,
Frida
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Posted by Frida on December 9, 2005, at 17:20:48
In reply to Re: totally losing it here :*** ( *warning** » Frida, posted by Anneke on December 9, 2005, at 16:13:07
Dear Anneke,
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me. It means a lot, I can't stop crying here- it truly means a lot not to be alone with this.I hope I can ask her for ways to feel closer and connected while she's away. Something that has helped me before was for her to give me a book she has loved.
I'm scared of all that staying inside of me forever :-(
Thank you for reaching out to me. It means alot to know and feel I'm not alone...
Frida.
Posted by Dinah on December 9, 2005, at 17:23:19
In reply to totally losing it here :*** ( *warning**, posted by Frida on December 9, 2005, at 13:58:25
It sounds like an awful lot to start up right before a month and a half apart. Are you sure it's the right time? I think I'd be spending the time yelling at my therapist for abandoning me and crying to him about how much I care about him and how much I'll miss him. Which is a fair amount of therapeutic work in itself. And ideally suited for right before a time apart. And maybe she can reassure you that she *is* coming back, and you'll have all the time you need to open up to her.
Just an idea. It may or may not be what's right for *you*.
Posted by Tamar on December 9, 2005, at 17:36:29
In reply to Re: totally losing it here :*** ( *warning** » Tamar, posted by Frida on December 9, 2005, at 17:18:37
Hi (((((Frida)))))
I just read Dinah’s post to you, and it made a lot of sense to me. And still I can hear the struggle in your post….
I remember you saying before that you wanted to be able to cry with her. And I remember that I almost never cried in therapy, even when I expected I would… even when I was hurting very much. Sometimes I wanted to cry with my therapist; I hoped he would comfort me.
It’s really hard to cry with someone, because you never really know how they’ll react.
It really is difficult. Very difficult. Don’t be too hard on yourself. If you can share before she leaves, that might give you some relief. But if it turns out to be too difficult, don’t beat yourself up. You can spend her away-time thinking about how to tell her. It will keep, and she *will* be back to hear you.
Please do remember that you can post here as often as you need to.
Tamar
Posted by Dinah on December 9, 2005, at 17:44:36
In reply to totally losing it here :*** ( *warning**, posted by Frida on December 9, 2005, at 13:58:25
I hope I wasn't insensitive before, Frida. I just know how upsetting therapy vacations can be, and I was wondering if somehow the urgency to tell her was caught up in the urgency to connect before she goes, and a desire to stay connected while she's gone, and maybe even some anger toward her for going. Or perhaps fear that she won't come back, and you'll be stuck with these thoughts forever. And wondering if it would help you feel better to sort those elements out a bit.
Posted by Frida on December 9, 2005, at 20:00:45
In reply to Re: totally losing it here :*** ( *warning** » Frida, posted by Dinah on December 9, 2005, at 17:44:36
Dear Dinah,
Thank you for your messages and helping me out---
I think you are right that a part of me wishes I could cry and tell her I'll miss her and care about her and I'm afraid of her leaving me, and to please reassure me she's still with me--
a part of me desperately needs that, too.
I think I'll write her a letter, and I'll start by sharing that and I'll read it aloud to her to make sure at least I tell her that...I am really scared- I need to find some relief before she leaves.At least I just wish I could cry.
I am afraid of staying alone with those thoughts forever :-(Thank you for reaching out to me..
love,
Frida
Posted by Frida on December 9, 2005, at 20:03:47
In reply to Re: totally losing it here :*** ( *warning** » Frida, posted by Tamar on December 9, 2005, at 17:36:29
((((Tamar)))))
Thank you so much.I can't stop crying :-(
I realize I am really hurting over my T leaving and I feel afraid of her abandoning me and not wanting me- I need some reassurance I guess..
I'm just scared she might be tired of me too :-(You are right, it's so hard to cry in T---
It frustrates me and hurts because I cry the moment I walk out of the door but i can't just let go with her wanting it so badly.I'll write a letter to her- I do need to tell her I'm afraid of her leaving me and not wanting to work with me anymore - I need reassurance .
this is so hard :-(Thank you for reaching out to me.
I'll try to take it one day at a time..
love,
Frida
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Posted by Dinah on December 9, 2005, at 20:07:28
In reply to Re: totally losing it here :*** ( *warning** » Dinah, posted by Frida on December 9, 2005, at 20:00:45
It *is* hard. Have you ever had that sort of conversation with her? You said she gave you something of hers to hold on to last time she went away? Would something like that help again?
Posted by muffled on December 9, 2005, at 20:09:34
In reply to Re: totally losing it here :*** ( *warning** » Dinah, posted by Frida on December 9, 2005, at 20:00:45
How do you sit in session? Maybe you could hide under a blanket or behind a chair when you tell her and then maybe you will cry. I dunno that crying is such a thing really. I don't cry, and it used to bug me tons. But now I figger it'll come when the time is right. So it don't bug me nearly so much.
You'll be ok. We all struggle with separation from our T's. Yours is quite long. Mebbe she will have some ideas when you tell her how much bothered you are. Let her have it!
Take care, Babblers are pulling for ya.
Muffled
Posted by Anneke on December 9, 2005, at 20:53:37
In reply to Re: totally losing it here :*** ( *warning** » Anneke, posted by Frida on December 9, 2005, at 17:20:48
I think writing a letter is a wonderful idea...
Like others here, I struggled with not being able to cry in therapy....my therapist told me that she understood my frustration with the timing of the tears (I used to burst into tears as soon as I got into my car after my appointment), but that I should also remember that at least I was connecting with the feelings....something I hadn't been able to do before. I don't know if that is true for you, but maybe you can take some small comfort in the fact that you're doing a lot of hard work just connecting with the feelings of sadness. I hope you're able to cry with her and feel the connection you need to...personally I think it's wonderful when it happens, but I've read others who say they never cry in therapy and still feel cared for and connected so that's possible as well. It sounds like she cares a great deal about you and she WILL come back. But, it is so dang hard to hold onto that....
Here's hoping you hear from her soon....Anneke
Posted by fallsfall on December 9, 2005, at 22:55:25
In reply to Re: totally losing it here :*** ( *warning** » Tamar, posted by Frida on December 9, 2005, at 20:03:47
I understand fear of abandonment. I always remember the criteria in the BPD definition (not that abandonment issues are always BPD, but it just expresses it well, I think): Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment.
Is it possible that you want to open up to her as a gift? Hoping that if you give her this gift that she will be more likely to come back to you? It sounds a lot like something I would do... If so, you might want to talk to her about that - ask if she would be more committed to you if you were a "better" patient. It took my therapist a long time to convince me that he wasn't wanting me to be a "better" patient. That he just wanted me to be as open and honest as I could - and that what I could do WAS ENOUGH.
A month and a half is a long time. Can you schedule other caretaking appointments during that time? See your GP, or your Pdoc? Or your accountant or lawyer, or hairdresser or get a massage? I try to schedule an appointment with my pdoc when my therapist is on vacation - so I know that there will be someone there to help me if I start having trouble.
Post here!!
Posted by orchid on December 10, 2005, at 1:04:15
In reply to Re: totally losing it here :*** ( *warning** » Tamar, posted by Frida on December 9, 2005, at 20:03:47
Hi Frida,
I am sure your T cares a lot about you and isn't even thinking of abandoning you. Perhaps you can ask her to give you something to be reminded of her caring to hold on to when she is gone.
If your T thinks it is better not to open deep wounds at this time, I think it is right. Without her being there, opening up more painful conversation might prove to be disastrous - especially with the holidays around.
I hope you can seek support from babble when your T is not there. Hang in there.
((Frida))
> ((((Tamar)))))
> Thank you so much.
>
> I can't stop crying :-(
>
> I realize I am really hurting over my T leaving and I feel afraid of her abandoning me and not wanting me- I need some reassurance I guess..
> I'm just scared she might be tired of me too :-(
>
> You are right, it's so hard to cry in T---
> It frustrates me and hurts because I cry the moment I walk out of the door but i can't just let go with her wanting it so badly.
>
> I'll write a letter to her- I do need to tell her I'm afraid of her leaving me and not wanting to work with me anymore - I need reassurance .
> this is so hard :-(
>
> Thank you for reaching out to me.
>
> I'll try to take it one day at a time..
>
> love,
> Frida
>
>
> > >
> >
>
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Posted by sleepygirl on December 10, 2005, at 17:50:52
In reply to totally losing it here :*** ( *warning**, posted by Frida on December 9, 2005, at 13:58:25
I'm sorry you're not feeling so well right now, and I hear the urgency in your post. It feels like you're having a hard time talking about whatever you need to, your T is going away for a bit so it feels all the more urgent. T's going away have been know to cause feelings of panic (in my experience for sure ;-)
I hope you'll communicate all this to your T so you can see what you can do about it.
I'll tell you though what helped me when I felt like I couldn't "hold on" to certain things when my T was not available. Writing is helpful because it can help you clarify what you need to say, it helps you "get it out" so maybe, just maybe it can cause you less distress. It can also then help you bridge the space between you and your T with regard to the material. Artwork is also a wonderful way to express that which is difficult to put into words. It can be really difficult. I hope you will be gentle with yourself, and talk to your T.
-all the best
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