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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 35. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 12, 2007, at 12:44:16
I was in the parking lot for pdoc appt and I'm messing with my hair in the rearview mirror and I sense that there is some person standing next to the car. (aside- the car is parked at the far end of the lot to protect gleaming paint job).
It was my T !!!! :0 !!! He was admiring my hot rod (yes, llurpsie drives a hot rod...) and asking me about the car while we walked to the office (he and pdoc share the parking lot. OMG. and I forgot my purse in my car, and I had to walk all the way back to get it.
@)(#$&*@#%(@#$&!!! and he looked really handsome in the sunshine!)@#U&#%(!@$&!@#$(@!$ make this go away. But a woman can admire the way a man looks without having romantic feelin's towards him (please?)
!@(#&%!(#@&
Okay, I think I got all the curses out of me now. the embarASSment. (don't you dare give me a PBC- that's how the word is spelled!!!) The stumbling muttering llurpsienoodle caught off guard in a vulnerable place, almost late for my appt because the alarm didn't go off (because I didn't set it). and T. T!!!!! admiring my hotrod in the parking lot.
I have a lot of embarASSment about the hotrod. It's not really my personality. I don't need so many horsepower, although I was grinning when I went from 40-80mph and blew by this guy when merging on the freeway...
T!)@#U&%!(@#*
okay. I stop now.
And stop laughing at me. I SEE you!!!
-Ll
Posted by Happyflower 1 :-) on September 12, 2007, at 12:54:22
In reply to Yikes! my boundaries got violated!, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 12, 2007, at 12:44:16
I am NOT laughing at you! But I am laughing with you! LOL
Naw, admiring good lucks is just human nature, it doesn't mean anything. You know that! But when it comes to T's, it is just transference, right? You need to get an old geezer like my new T! lol no problems with this! lol
So did you wait until you walked in the door to get your purse or when you were talking to your T?
I think you are cute Llurpsie! ;-)
Besides if this is your DH dream car, why are you driving it and not him? LOL brum brum!
Posted by seldomseen on September 12, 2007, at 12:54:25
In reply to Yikes! my boundaries got violated!, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 12, 2007, at 12:44:16
HEY! I wasn't laughing, but I WAS grinning.
I really don't think T's should be allowed to walk around free-range like that. It's too disturbing to see them, but I suspect that you will live.
Icky!
Seldom.
Posted by ClearSkies on September 12, 2007, at 13:00:28
In reply to Re: Yikes! my boundaries got violated!, posted by seldomseen on September 12, 2007, at 12:54:25
> I really don't think T's should be allowed to walk around free-range like that. It's too disturbing to see them, but I suspect that you will live.
>Snort! You make them sound like chickens!
I love it.
CS
Posted by B2chica on September 12, 2007, at 13:38:45
In reply to Re: Yikes! my boundaries got violated! » seldomseen, posted by ClearSkies on September 12, 2007, at 13:00:28
hehe..sorry..yes...i Was laughing, but ONLY cuz i been there!
one time i was going to see T and he walks up beside me right as i'm getting out of the car! not only did it freak me out that i saw him Outside his office but it was weird cuz i saw he drove a stationwagon! This guy was SO NOT a station wagon kinda guy! WTF>!! that can really mess with a person!seldomseen and clearskies...i about pee'd my pants! free-range...
ROTFL!!!-no, t's should certainly NOT be allowed to wonder in public like that! (LOL) geesh!
Posted by Honore on September 12, 2007, at 15:33:22
In reply to Re: Yikes! my boundaries got violated!, posted by B2chica on September 12, 2007, at 13:38:45
...although the free-range Ts are tastier and more nutritious than the caged ones...
Honore
Posted by JoniS on September 12, 2007, at 15:40:27
In reply to Yikes! my boundaries got violated!, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 12, 2007, at 12:44:16
My first thought when reading your post was I'M JEALOUS!!! But after that it just got funnier and funnier as everyone added on to yours. Oh, and how you totally lost control of your cursing - ROFL!
I am soooooo jealous!
(am I pathetic or what??)
Posted by LlurPsieNoOdLe on September 12, 2007, at 17:44:32
In reply to Re: Yikes! my boundaries got violated!, posted by Happyflower 1 :-) on September 12, 2007, at 12:54:22
so... I think I have recovered my composure. I was kind of shaking by the time pdoc saw me and this (and my explicit request) probably helped convince him to switch me from klonopin to xanax...
The thing is-- T seems interested in this new car of mine. He saw my other car parked outside of his home office one day and asked me how the new car looks compared to the other car. So, he is genuinely interested. Interested enough to walk to the FARRRR end of the parking lot and completely fluster me!
To retrieve my purse I first walked to the lobby of the building, paced a bit, then sneaked out the other entrance and slurped back to my hot rod. Looking over my shoulder the whole time. I'm sure I was beet red the whole time ((((beets)))) go well with chicken. And how about eggs- isn't there some russian salad with beets and hard cooked eggs? Free range eggs. Keep them chicken T's in their cage PuhLease!!!
*****
now another joke. h just said- "some of your sessions- what do you talk about? You don't talk like, in that movie, like about my penis do you?"ROFL
missed you guys, ive been SOOOO busy bee lately.
-Ll
Posted by muffled on September 13, 2007, at 10:29:54
In reply to hot rods and male parts itty bitty *trigger*, posted by LlurPsieNoOdLe on September 12, 2007, at 17:44:32
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 13, 2007, at 16:18:59
In reply to :-) (nm), posted by muffled on September 13, 2007, at 10:29:54
I had a really disturbing dream last night. T and I discussed at end of my last session a dream I had (it was the first time I ever shared a dream with him)
In the dream, I rescued 2 shirtless old men from a swimming pool during a natural disaster (don't ask- it's a dream, can't make this !(@# up). Then as I walked away, I was disgusted with myself that I saved their lives, as I wished them dead.
so, T and I agreed that the old man/men was my dad and that I still harbor primitive homocidal feelings towards him. (yep)
now LAST NIGHT I had a dream that T was coming over to do a session with me on my front porch and I went inside to get something and when I came back, T was in his swimming trunks and no shirt on. In my dream I had a panic attack and fainted. In real life I woke up with my heart pounding and that sick bile taste in my throat.
Am I crazy to think that this could be a consequence of seeing my T outside of the office. now my mind has run amok and boundaries are being crossed left and right.
And what does it mean? T = dad? I want T dead? T scares me? huh?
-Ll
Posted by Honore on September 13, 2007, at 18:47:13
In reply to okay now serious- consequences?, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 13, 2007, at 16:18:59
Well, I don't know what it means-- but it seems related to seeing your T outside the office, if only because you think it is. Plus that was something that affected you greatly.
Maybe you're reversing things-- and you felt shirtless or vulnerable; maybe the men were vulnerable, or seemed vulnerable, and you saved them-- and the regret has something to do with the idea that your father is also vulnerable-- I have this memory that that's been in other dreams you've had. just a guess, of course.
It's hard to know about T=dad-- maybe you're afraid he'll turn out to be that, or you wish he'd turn out to be that--so then you could leave, or at least would know how to act, ie as you do with your dad. it could be anything.
Why were there two men in the dream, do you think? Two sides of your dad? or possibly your dad and someone else? just wondering if it wasn't already your T (although not necessarily, of course).
Dreams are so interesting, though, don't you think? I really find them fascinating.
Honore
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 13, 2007, at 19:14:38
In reply to Re: okay now serious- consequences? » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by Honore on September 13, 2007, at 18:47:13
My literary friend, you are a genius...
> Well, I don't know what it means-- but it seems related to seeing your T outside the office, if only because you think it is. Plus that was something that affected you greatly.
The timing is uncanny, and before when T has been in my dreams it's like a vague presence, not a real interaction like this.
>
> Maybe you're reversing things-- and you felt shirtless or vulnerable;I'm *always* vulnerable
>maybe the men were vulnerable, or seemed vulnerable, and you saved them-- and the regret has something to do with the idea that your father is also vulnerable-- I have this memory that that's been in other dreams you've had. just a guess, of course.
The regret is that my father is decrepit and vulnerable yet he clings on to life, when perhaps it's not the ideal situation. I've come to terms with my homocidal urges. They used to cause me great guilt, anxiety and shame. Now they only cause me a little guilt anxiety and shame.
>
> It's hard to know about T=dad-- maybe you're afraid he'll turn out to be that, or you wish he'd turn out to be that--so then you could leave, or at least would know how to act, ie as you do with your dad. it could be anything.
>So, llurpsie's dad has 3 phases to his adult life as I've known him.
ActI there was the first 25 years of my life where he was quirky and goofy at best, and in a furious uncontrolled rage at worst.
Act II he lost large chunks of neocortex and diffuse damage caused personality changes. He was weak and decrepit and meek as a lamb. sentimental and foggy memoried. easily confused. easy to abandon, although the guilt would have been overwhelming.
Act III the amazing plasticity of the CNS helps dad climb out of his meek little self and now his cognitive powers and nasty moods restored inhabit this nasty decrepit body (which he doesn't groom or anything. revolting)If T turned out to be my dad I'd walk out the door and never look back. so, yeah- I WOULD know how to act. Or, maybe it would give me a chance to reconcile my adult self (who doesn't get beaten up) with the pre-decrepit dad (who decided not to beat me up sometime when my older brother took over that duty-- modelling prosocial behavior, a few years too late, hmm?)
> Why were there two men in the dream, do you think? Two sides of your dad? or possibly your dad and someone else?
I think the other man was a shadowy figure G. that had a coercive friendship with my dad about 5 years ago, reducing my dad to an infantile abused child in a man's body. Gotta say, this abuse thing really does span generations. The good news is that G. is dying from a very painful kind of cancer. Soon his children will be liberated.
>just wondering if it wasn't already your T (although not necessarily, of course).
>possible... still considering it
> Dreams are so interesting, though, don't you think? I really find them fascinating.
I like them too, except when they scare me and make me doubt my reality. when dreams invade the waking mind is when I usually get to discuss taking neuroleptics with the pdoc.
hmmm. disturbing.
thanks for your thoughtful reply. you're such a smartie.
-Ll
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 13, 2007, at 21:25:01
In reply to **abuse triggers** so sorry. » Honore, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 13, 2007, at 19:14:38
I have T tomorrow. not used to seeing him 2x a week. I dunno what to say. I'm so anxious about it.
WHY did he have to hunt me down in the parking lot?
Part of me is flattered and amused, but the part of me that needs to feel safe inside the confines of the office is frightened and scared. I just don't know what to say, or if anything I say or do will make it right again.
I'm anxious and scared.
This car thing gets into a whole lot of issues surrounding my own image. So, llurpsie drives this super shiny "hot rod". People look at me differently when I get out of that car. I don't like those looks. It's like when I wear a pair of heels and show some leggies. I don't like those looks. I prefer to hide. Part of the problem with T coming to check out the car is that it felt like he was checking ME out. very uncomfortable. shudder
:'(
I like my t too, that's the worst part. If he were a dumbass, I'd just say- hey T that was a really dumb thing to do. As it is now, I doon't want to critique him, because ... so many issues.
!@(#%&!#@(#This just makes me think of ALL of my issues with men all at once. I don't know where to start.
I wish I weren't such a sensitive noodle.
Posted by B2chica on September 14, 2007, at 7:58:29
In reply to okay now serious- consequences?, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 13, 2007, at 16:18:59
i would tend to think it has to do with a love/hate feelings toward your father. you hate him...and maybe feel bad of that?
thus you are saving him...and in turn aftwards feel Angry?but your T was kinda funny, its like your mind was saying...no...T you were way off and i'll prove it...and stuck HIM in the dream to replace the men.
honestly i've never been good at translating others dreams. only my own.
so i'm probably off.
but either way. dreams can be SO emotion evoking, whether it be upsetting, funny, or feel good.
sometimes no matter how much we want to 'read' our dreams, sometimes they are JUST dreams. and we need to learn to focus more on How they made us feel and deal with that rather than trying to figure stuff out.
maybe it's your body saying its ready to deal with 'anger' issues. regardless of who they are about.take care LN.
and i like sleeping with a critter (alive or stuffed...plush, not taxidermy:) )
it sometimes takes the edge of bad dreams.b2c.
Posted by gardenergirl on September 14, 2007, at 9:23:01
In reply to distressed, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 13, 2007, at 21:25:01
Hey llurps,
I know this doesn't help much, but as they say...grist for the mill. It sounds like there's a lot there. And as distressing as it sounds like, that may open up a lot of stuff for you, so it's an opportunity.
Still, I understand the feelings you describe. I wouldn't want to associate that discomfort with attention with my T.
Take care,
gg
Posted by muffled on September 14, 2007, at 9:39:54
In reply to Re: okay now serious- consequences? » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by B2chica on September 14, 2007, at 7:58:29
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 14, 2007, at 12:44:20
In reply to Howsit going Llurpy??? (nm), posted by muffled on September 14, 2007, at 9:39:54
goin' okay
thank you muf for thinking of me...
I guess I am feeling "okay" because I'm wearing a fitted outfit. Even though my heart says "wear sweatpants and tennies" my mind says "wear shorts and cutie tshirt and sandal.
I always dress carefully to go see T or pdoc. I wear my heart on my sleevies, so better make sure I put the right shirt on.
I will leave for t in about an hour. until then I'm doing little craft projects and cleaning up from sewing this suit last weekend. Finally did the buttonholes, buttons and hems. It needs a final press and then is ready to wear. I have needed a sequined lime green tweed suit for a while.
I'm going to distract myself for a while longer. I think I will tell T how freaked out I was in the parking lot, how he surprised me. I will open with that and see where it goes from there...
lucky me
-Ll
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 14, 2007, at 12:46:57
In reply to Re: okay now serious- consequences? » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by B2chica on September 14, 2007, at 7:58:29
> i would tend to think it has to do with a love/hate feelings toward your father. you hate him...and maybe feel bad of that?
> thus you are saving him...and in turn aftwards feel Angry?
>sounds about right b2c
> but your T was kinda funny, its like your mind was saying...no...T you were way off and i'll prove it...and stuck HIM in the dream to replace the men.
>lol
> honestly i've never been good at translating others dreams. only my own.
> so i'm probably off.
> but either way. dreams can be SO emotion evoking, whether it be upsetting, funny, or feel good.
> sometimes no matter how much we want to 'read' our dreams, sometimes they are JUST dreams. and we need to learn to focus more on How they made us feel and deal with that rather than trying to figure stuff out.
> maybe it's your body saying its ready to deal with 'anger' issues. regardless of who they are about.I think I'll start with the "fear" issues. How can llurpsie feel safe in therapy with this strange man sitting across from me who stalks me in parking lots and evokes panic in my dreams?
thanks for your thoughts b2c
Ll
Posted by LLurpsieNoodle on September 14, 2007, at 12:53:17
In reply to Re: distressed » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by gardenergirl on September 14, 2007, at 9:23:01
grist for the mill? but I already have enough flour :(
I guess it helps that I'm not the only one who feels discomfort from "attention". I wish I were more secure about it. I've talked about this in therapy a few weeks ago. I know that T looks at my body because he is able to tell when I'm losing weight (and says something to that effect, to find out if the weight loss in intentional or not). I have a really really hard time thinking of myself the way that h thinks of me. I have a really hard time when I get hit on by strangers.
This is all getting mixed up with a boundary crossing that happened earlier this week with a guy at work who put his hand on my back. shudder. maybe it was too much.
okay fine. I've got plenty of flour, but maybe I'm fresh outta grits. Gonna get me some corn and go see my t, see if I can't get some breakfast made.
-Ll
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 14, 2007, at 16:15:41
In reply to Yikes! my boundaries got violated!, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 12, 2007, at 12:44:16
That was a hard session. I started off by going to the wrong office and then had to drive really fast to the other office. if not for xanax, I would have had a panic attack and/or decided to go home. I wonder if going to the wrong office was a statement about my ambivalence towards going today?
Then I started off by saying- "I don't know what to say-- I feel I just saw you on Monday" "Well, maybe you don't need to come twice a week. Maybe once a week is enough. you seem to be radiating a different kind of energy these days" "oh, you mean I'm no longer a black hole for happiness?"
(feeling rejected...)
Then I tell him that it freaked me out that he came over to my car in the parking lot. He said that he was afraid of that, and said that the moment that he set out to come find me at the far end of the parking lot he thought it was kind of awkward. In retrospect, he said he realized that he crossed a boundary. then he apologized (((good T)))
Then clever llurpsie steered the conversation towards even more uncomfortable topics (related in my mind- I'm hoping that he picked up on the fact that I strung the topix all together on purpose.)
He explains my dislike of men touching me (yes that was the main topic today) as oedipal: I am ashamed of my own sexual feelings towards men because I never was able to resolve having those feelings towards my (BARF) dad. I dunno. It made sense when he said it, and he was smartypants in relating back to other past stuff. How does this help me though?
He was kind to acknowledge that it must have been hard for me to talk about that (parking lot stalking) with him. That was good of him to say, because it WAS really hard to say. You guys know that!
Boy, I can't wait until I have funky dreams tonight.
As solace for my mini-rejection, I bought yarn. enough to make a gloriously fuzzy goofy shawl. I hope I have the stamina to knit it all. if not, I'm out 8 bucks. big deal. And double point needles so that I can start my skiing hat. And another ball to try out cables on. trying to steer my way AWAY from having a llurpsiecrisis. I don't want to do anything to hurt myself. I am trying to remember that he said I might only need to come 1x a week BEFORE I talked about all this stuff. Still, it stings.
-Ll
Posted by Honore on September 14, 2007, at 17:01:25
In reply to T apologized... '*triggers*, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 14, 2007, at 16:15:41
Did I miss this, or were you saying you were uncomfortable because of things that have happened (ie the car incident, the dream, coming too many times/week), or did you become uncomfortable after he said you might not need to come more than 1x per week?
Could I ask what it would mean to come once rather than twice, or vice versa?
He seemed to want to pick up on what you want or need, rather than saying what he wanted or needed.
I personally kind of think the oedipal thing is overblown. I mean, it might have some general significance, but the focus on sexuality, to the exclusion of many sorts of elements of relationship between parents and children, seems to me wrong, or overly limiting. Not that it isn't sometimes the right focus, but also that it often isn't the right focus, or is only a small part of a complex picture.
But mostly, you know. I think he's trying to figure out what you can tolerate, what fits your psyche now, not judge or reject you. He's probably worried that seeing him too often, too soon, may drive you away-- be too intense-- or too invasive--
But, back to what I was wondering: what would it mean, to come once, or to come twice-- to you, or to him(ie what do you imagine it would mean, or feel like, to him)?
And I'm glad apologized. I feel he's some kind of over-eager dog who jumped up on you, and you were almost knocked over. (Isnt' that weird??)
Honore
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 14, 2007, at 17:23:57
In reply to Re: T apologized... '*triggers* » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by Honore on September 14, 2007, at 17:01:25
> Did I miss this, or were you saying you were uncomfortable because of things that have happened (ie the car incident, the dream, coming too many times/week), or did you become uncomfortable after he said you might not need to come more than 1x per week?
I was already uncomfortable about all the other stuff this week, but looking forward to seeing him 2x a week on a regular basis- i.e. getting back to therapy schedule after chaotic summer. Then I felt rejected after he said that I might not need to see him more than 1x a week. To me that feels like I'm not important, or that my issues are trivial, or that I'm not ready to work on intense stuff.
I feel like much of my recent gains in sanity have come due to psychotropic medication and lifestyle changes, rather than psychological insight. I would like to have more insight as to why/how to feel better, so that I can do it sans medication next time (if necessary).
>
> But mostly, you know. I think he's trying to figure out what you can tolerate, what fits your psyche now, not judge or reject you. He's probably worried that seeing him too often, too soon, may drive you away-- be too intense-- or too invasive--
>I never thought of that. Maybe I like it when therapy is intense, but I haven't communicated that in any sense. I didn't really tell him about all the stuff I went through with my formerT in 9 months.
> But, back to what I was wondering: what would it mean, to come once, or to come twice-- to you, or to him(ie what do you imagine it would mean, or feel like, to him)?
I would like to get at some of the icky stuff in my past, to be able to share authentic emotions with him. right now I feel like I'm kind of playacting having feelings, and it doesn't feel honest somehow. I'd like to work on this terror I have of men. I think that it requires a lot of trust on my part and a lot of reassurance on T's part that therapy is a good place for that to happen. My other goal this fall is to get as far away from crisis-llurpsie as possible. Figure out where she comes from and how to keep her at bay, hopefully for a long long time.
I'm not sure what he wants. I think he wants a nice comfy practice. I think he enjoys seeing a client who is kind of intellectual. He said I was an appealing client at my 2nd session with him, so I genuinely believe that he likes me. but-- does he have room for me? I hope so? I really do.
>
> And I'm glad apologized. I feel he's some kind of over-eager dog who jumped up on you, and you were almost knocked over. (Isnt' that weird??)
haha- that's a good image. I like that better than the T who stalks parking-lot-llurpsies lol
Posted by TherapyGirl on September 14, 2007, at 19:06:21
In reply to T apologized... '*triggers*, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 14, 2007, at 16:15:41
Llurpsie, I'm so proud of you. I can imagine how hard this was for you to deal with straight on in therapy, and you did it.
I'm sorry your week has been so hard. I hope things will settle down for you soon.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 14, 2007, at 20:49:19
In reply to Re: T apologized... '*triggers* » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by TherapyGirl on September 14, 2007, at 19:06:21
Thanks t-girl,
you're so sweet :)I feel so sad now. I wish this week in T hadn't happened. It's been too tough.
-Ll
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 14, 2007, at 21:05:35
In reply to Re: okay now serious- consequences? » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by B2chica on September 14, 2007, at 7:58:29
I don't know why I should feel SOOOO sad. T mentioned that maybe I don't need 2 hours a week. Maybe I only need one. Reading gg's post below, it seems like I will have to go through termination all over again. So I had a pretty good August... I guess I'm stabilified enough to reduce my sessions? I was really looking forward to a time when I could settle down into regular t-time and get some work done. I have been making a lot of room in my life for therapy.
To add to the sadness, h is away on business and I'm all alone with my yarn stash (it just doubled) and the cat. I feel utterly abandoned. I don't even want to go anymore. I feel like I've been punished somehow. Oedipus retches. But wait! even if I haven't been punished, I can still punish myself, can't I?
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