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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kateT87 on June 12, 2008, at 21:53:00
Sorry if this post is kind of long...I'm not sure if this is the type of thing that people talk about on here. But I was just wondering if any of you guys have any thoughts about some feelings I've been having about my therapist.
Im a female college student, and Ive been working with the same therapist for the past several years. I entered therapy due to depression, anxiety, and feelings of worthlessness pretty much standard issues, I guess. Im overweight and I have been ridiculed my entire life because of it. I have tried to lose the weight through diet and exercise, but i just cant seem to. I feel depressed about the fact that Ive never had a boyfriend. I would love to have a relationship with someone, but I feel that I am too fat and ugly for any guy to want me. Im very socially anxious, and Ive always struggled in school. I work hard for my B/C grades at the state university I attend.
My therapist and I have developed a fairly good relationship over the years, and she often tells me stories about her past, her own college experience, etc. In her stories, she often divulges elaborate details about how she was wildly popular, had multiple boyfriends in high school and college, made straight As at a top college without much effort, and stayed thin despite a diet consisting mainly of fast food and beer. I dont think she intends to make me feel bad about myself, but sometimes I find myself comparing myself to her. She has everything that Ive always wanted. She was popular, thin, attractive, and guys liked her. Shes had more boyfriends than I could ever dream of having. I havent even been asked out on a date yet, and Im already 20 years old. Shes smart, and apparently never had to work hard at anything. I work hard in school, at the expense of my social life, yet my grades are still mediocre at best.
I feel like therapy is starting to become more trouble than it's worth, due to these feelings I have towards my therapist. I feel so inferior to her. Ive tried bringing up my feelings, and she promises she will be more careful about the things she tells me but that only makes me feel worse. Apparently her life has been so perfect and amazing that she has to be careful not to upset a loser like myself. I just feel really down about this.
I'm starting to feel jealous of my therapist, but not only that, I'm starting to feel really down about myself as well. I'm starting to see that there are some people who just naturally have it all, and I can never be like them. I'm starting to lose hope for my life. I want everything that my therapist got to have, but I feel like it will never be within my reach. I want so badly to have those things -- the boyfriends, the good grades, the popularity. I would especially love to be thin and attractive. But I know i never will be, and these feelings are starting to wear away at the little self esteem i have left.
Thoughts? Anyone ever go through something similar to this?
Thanks,
Kate T.
Posted by Dinah on June 12, 2008, at 22:26:55
In reply to Jealous of Therapist?, posted by kateT87 on June 12, 2008, at 21:53:00
Welcome to Babble. :)
Do you see any therapeutic purpose to her stories? Therapy isn't friendship, and casual stories about therapists aren't really supposed to come up that often - unless they are carefully introduced for a specific therapeutic reason. It sounds as if she's talking a lot about herself. Does she only do this when it is therapeutically appropriate?
I've seen my therapist for thirteen years, and I can honestly say he's never shared elaborate details about anything in his life. I've stored up what things he does say and added them together to make some sort of picture. But not because he talks about himself or his experiences that often. And when he does, I can generally divine the reason he considered it appropriate to my therapy to tell me. For example, sharing a strategy he used to successfully address a problem I was having might be appropriate. Reminiscing about his delightful past vacations when I was planning a vacation wouldn't really be all that therapeutic for me.
What you're describing doesn't sound particularly appropriate to me. It wouldn't much matter if she was talking about how popular or how unpopular she was. Elaborate details of her life don't really have a place in your therapy on a regular basis.
I'm sure my viewpoint is influenced by what my own therapist has done. And perhaps other people have other ideas about this.
I also did have experience with a very polished and attractive woman therapist who knew just the right things to wear, was perfectly groomed, slender, and attractive. And I did feel a wee bit uncomfortable around her. I could have ignored the differential if I had a feeling she was ignoring it. Certainly I have attractive, slender, perfectly groomed friends. But I never did feel that it didn't matter to her, so I never felt like it didn't matter to me.
Posted by obsidian on June 12, 2008, at 23:17:34
In reply to Re: Jealous of Therapist? » kateT87, posted by Dinah on June 12, 2008, at 22:26:55
mmm...yeah, I've got to say I agree with dinah
unless there was a real reason to share such things I'm not sure it's really appropriateI've got a friend who tells me these kind of stories (my early years and social life were excruciating) so usually what is running through my mind is "wow, you really wouldn't like me if you knew me when we were younger" and it just seems to shut me down and make me feel ashamed of my experiences and who I am.
When she's talking about cheerleading or something I am thinking about the places I'd "hide out" or the lengths I'd go to avoid school or how impossible it was for me to sustain a conversation.
She has no idea by the way that I feel this wayIt also kind of bothers me that she seems to place an emphasis on social acceptance as important. I'm more inclined not to care so much about socializing, it's not that I don't like people, but I have become pretty comfortable with being alone. I actually get a little overwhelmed when around a lot of people.
I don't know...the "real" friends I have met have been people who I have shared similar interests and values with, they've tended to be people I've met at school or work and I love them for being true to who they are.Anyway, we can't all have the same type of past, and we try to get what we need in our own way. It's not easy when relating to people is difficulty. I've learned to do it slowly and I think that therapy has helped me tremendously in this respect. Having someone hear me and not run away shrieking in horror is a welcome surprise. ;-). For me, the acceptance I have found in therapy has really made a lot more things possible for me. (don't get me wrong here...this hasn't been easy and it has been scary)
Feeling like you've got to hide yourself must just add to the pain.anyway...I get your uncomfortability and I hope you can work it out.
Posted by Daisym on June 12, 2008, at 23:56:32
In reply to Re: Jealous of Therapist?, posted by obsidian on June 12, 2008, at 23:17:34
I think it is very brave of you to have talked with her about your feelings. It isn't easy for a heavy person to tell a thin person that they are making one uncomfortable. I know this all too well.
But, as much as I agree with Dinah that she needs to be thoughtful about what she is sharing, I wonder if this doesn't present an opportunity for you to explore this jealousy and use it as a motivator. Sometimes we make changes when we are in pain - and sometimes it takes knowing what we want to help us make the changes we need to. It is very painful and very hard to see someone who seemingly has everything. But you don't know at what cost, most over-achievers hide their pain.
I guess what I'm saying is, that it is pretty normal to become jealous of our therapists and their seemingly perfect relationships/lives. But it is a chance to really look at what it is we want most in our life. After several years, I'm hoping your relationship is strong enough for this kind of examination and that your therapist can move you along a new path in your life. Otherwise, you may need to conclude that together you've done all the work you can, and you need someone who can help you find your internal motivation to go after and get what you need.
Therapy can be a really painful process, can't it?
Posted by muffled on June 13, 2008, at 8:55:49
In reply to Re: Jealous of Therapist?, posted by Daisym on June 12, 2008, at 23:56:32
I hated that my oldT seemed perfect, so I said 'you gotta give me some dirt'. So she told me bout a coupla times bout when she was a less than perfect mom, and that was most satisfactory to me.
I doubt your T is perfect.
Everybody gots their 'stuff'.
Some's just less visible.
M
Posted by sassyfrancesca on June 13, 2008, at 9:07:48
In reply to Jealous of Therapist?, posted by kateT87 on June 12, 2008, at 21:53:00
This is incomprehensible, and cruel.
Why is she "twisting the knife?"
I would ask her why she continues to talk about HERSELF....#1, she isn't supposed to be doing that. You are PAYING her for a service. You are not getting what you need.
What she is doing is sadistic
She should be helping you. She isn't. I would tell her the truth, and then find another t (as hard as that is, I know, sweetie).
have you talked to a nutritionist? There is so much help out there for people who are overweight....I know it is so hard, when you feel so down on yourelf, but there help.
Hugs, Sassy
Posted by llurpsienoodle on June 13, 2008, at 10:00:13
In reply to Re: Jealous of Therapist?, posted by sassyfrancesca on June 13, 2008, at 9:07:48
Hi Kate,
Welcome to babble.
I admire your courage to tell us about your weight and grades and self-esteem struggles. It's really brave of you to disclose this much to a bunch of strangers. You must be a strong person.You've come to the right place for support. There are a lot of people with lots of therapy experience on these boards.
I have told my therapist (T) that he discloses much more about his personal life than most T's do. He responded that he always feels it's important to be authentic for his clients. I can learn from his missteps, and share funny stories with him. I have learned that he is a person, just like any other person, probably because he doesn't just tell me the good stuff, but also the ways that he has humiliated himself over the years. We talk about our mutual hobbies, and things like that and I have learned a great deal from him about the locale (I moved here less than a year ago). He's helped me get oriented. When I asked him about why he discloses so much, he responded that sometimes it damages the relationship more NOT to disclose than to disclose. I respect his discretion.
Having said that I wonder why your T is telling you about her "glory days". Does she talk about her own self-esteem during these stories? I wonder if she's trying to make a point that "no matter how perfect one's life seems there is always a struggle to maintain self-esteem". Is there some kind of moral to her stories?
I'm impressed that you've had the guts to confront her on this. It's probably time to get serious with her, by telling her that therapy is making you feel worse lately. If she cannot change her style, ask her for a referral for someone who can address your particular issues.
I wish you the best,
-Ll
Posted by meme3842 on June 13, 2008, at 11:15:22
In reply to Jealous of Therapist?, posted by kateT87 on June 12, 2008, at 21:53:00
Hi Kate
I'm pretty much in agreement with what everyone else has said. She shouldn't be telling you that much about her life. My previous therapist was good about not divulging too much information. My current one is okay as well. Is it possible for you to to tell her, "Look, I'm not paying you to hear about your life?" My approach is to be a smart *ss when the therapist isn't being consistent within her boundaries. And usually they get the point. That would be my first reaction.Or could you talk to her about feeling jealous of her, about how she seems to be everything that you've strived to be? If she's a good therapist, then she'll listen nonjudgmentally and help you explore those feelings she's evoking in you. But if she gets defensive and brushes it away, then maybe she's not the therapist for you. Ultimately, I would think that you want a therapist who you can be straight with, even if it is uncomfortable. I think you should just tell her straight that you are feeling jealous. See how she reacts.
meme
Posted by Phillipa on June 13, 2008, at 12:35:38
In reply to Re: Jealous of Therapist?, posted by meme3842 on June 13, 2008, at 11:15:22
Actually she reminds me of mine as mine is very slim and well dressed and acts like her life is perfect and mine is very inferior to hers. I feel that's cruel as I know how it feels to be on the receiving end. You're so young find a new therapist. I'm thinking of terminating with mine as yet to feel like she is helping me. I seem lie a paycheck to her that's all. I feel like she is undermining you. That's just my thoughts and good luck and welcome to babble. Phillipa
Posted by backseatdriver on June 13, 2008, at 16:09:08
In reply to Re: Jealous of Therapist?, posted by Phillipa on June 13, 2008, at 12:35:38
Hi Kate,
I'm in total agreement with just about everything that's been said. I really admire your courage in bringing her attention to the discomfort she causes you, and for posting here on the board.
Have you ever asked her how she imagines she is coming across to you, when she says this hurtful stuff? If you can make her stop and think for half a minute, she might overcome her empathy failure.
Good luck, and keep us posted ...
BSD
Posted by star008 on June 13, 2008, at 23:03:51
In reply to Jealous of Therapist?, posted by kateT87 on June 12, 2008, at 21:53:00
I have to agree with the others who have swaid it is not appropriate to tell you alot about her past and her experiences unless it is connected to therapy. I ahve been around owmen who seemsed perfect and I felt bad about myself so I know what you mean. Keep in mind that people who talk too much about how great things are or were usually aren't happy people. I haave been jealous in the past of my T. He always seemed to have it all together. The perfect relationship, th eperfect bonded family., etc. But his marriage feel apart and he got really depressed.. I guess what I am trying to sa is that people all have their own stuff to deal with.
I think if I was feeling bad abut myself when I was with my T I would look for another one if I couldn't get past it. It is hard enough for us wihtout having a safe palce where we can feel okay about ourselves..
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