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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Lemonaide on July 28, 2008, at 16:02:38
I have been reading the effects of child abuse and it is like reading my personality problems and the effects of my life. It makes me sick to see myself in this. I can't deny it, I want to so bad, it has helped in the past. But it happened and I am who I am because of it. But reading about the effects makes my stomach just turn in knots and makes me cry because I know it is true.
I Called my T, I almost never do, but I feel myself slipping into such sadness.
Coming to terms with this is really had. It is hard to see my imperfections it caused within me, my maladjusted self. It is like looking in the mirror. It is so hard to accept this.
Posted by Dinah on July 28, 2008, at 16:54:49
In reply to I feel so sick, I really need some support , pleas, posted by Lemonaide on July 28, 2008, at 16:02:38
Maybe its' best to read these things in short doses? Stop when you very first feel yourself getting overwhelmed?
There was once a book that hit so close to home for me that every time I read it, I fell asleep. Then I'd wake up and read a few more pages and fall asleep. All I could take was a page or two at a time. By maybe the third time I read it through, I could take it in without being overwhelmed.
Maybe you could limit yourself a bit, until you feel more ready to tolerate the feelings it brings up?
Posted by Lemonaide on July 28, 2008, at 18:23:49
In reply to I feel so sick, I really need some support , pleas, posted by Lemonaide on July 28, 2008, at 16:02:38
I called today to see what we will be discussing tomorrow, about my old T or something else. Well he still hasn't called, either he forgot or it is avoidance on his part.
WEll I called T#1 to say that my T#2 was too busy to talk to him, and that I wanted to talk to him anyway.( he surprised me and answered the phone) He got sort of pissy, and now I remember another thing that I don't like about him. I told him I will probably just forgot it. He tried to tell me that he (current T) called and said he couldn't meet until his feet are better. Then he said we could do this over the phone, but my current T insisted on doing it in person. Well I told him I know why and it wasn't about me, but more about him and my current T . I was so angry, I should be able to talk to who I want without all this sh*t. I asked if I didn't even have a T, then what would he do?
Well I am pissed. It is one thing if my T has a medical condition and that is why this keeps getting delayed. But the truth is he forgot again. How long am I suppose to be hanging on. I have been very patient through the heart surgury, and then the infection thing. But this time I am pissed he hasn't called my old T yet. Then he says something about that he can't get a time that is agreeable to both of them. Lie, Lie, Lie(he hasn't tried yet) Then he said he didn't realize I come in tomorrow. Well that is what he said last week and when I got another reason, he simply forgot.
I can take working with him with his medical condition, but don't lie to me. He lied to me. I hate him for it, I don't trust him. He is giving me the run around, and I have been very patient, but no longer.
So I called and canceled tomorrow's sessions. I have just had enough of all of this.Then I called T #1 and left a message to just leave me alone, I don't want to meet with him, I am no longer seeing any therapist anymore, and if I talk to anyone it will be a lawyer for all the sh*t he did to me.
I have had it with the therapists. I know my current T already probably left the office before he got my message. I don't care, I am not going in tomorrow. He let me down, I don't being lied to. I just can't believe he did that and expected me to accept the run around once again. I have had all I can take right now.
Then I called my current T and canceled all my sessions for the month and told him I can work with his physical limitations, but I can't work with him lying to me. I told him I have had enough of working with a bunch of idiots.
Posted by Lemonaide on July 28, 2008, at 18:26:44
In reply to I am so mad I could pee in my T's eyes, yes plural, posted by Lemonaide on July 28, 2008, at 18:23:49
Posted by raisinb on July 28, 2008, at 18:33:21
In reply to I am so mad I could pee in my T's eyes, yes plural, posted by Lemonaide on July 28, 2008, at 18:23:49
I am so sorry you are feeling bad--and it is tough dealing with your therapist's medical condition. Definitely, it sucks that he forgot. It really really sucks that you have to wait so long to hear about something that is so important to you.
So, I happen to think that never speaking to your old therapist again is justified. But it sounds like your current one really cares about you and you have a great relationship overall. Maybe it did slip his mind, but maybe he really didn't feel well enough. When you are sick, sometimes even the stuff that's important to you slips your mind. It might not mean you can't work it out, and it might not mean you have to quit. Is it possible some of your (totally justifiable) anger against your last therapist is spilling over into your current relationship? This is normal and valid. I would do the same thing. But maybe it would be good to work that anger out with this therapist since it sounds like he can handle it.
Hang in there, Lemonaide. I'm sending you good thoughts and I'm hoping you feel better soon.
Posted by Looney Tunes on July 28, 2008, at 18:49:40
In reply to I feel so sick, I really need some support , pleas, posted by Lemonaide on July 28, 2008, at 16:02:38
Hi Lemonaide,
I just want to offer some support. I don't really know what to say about T's because similar to you, I have been phone ignored twice. And similar to you, I want to quit therapy and just wish someone could take all my pain away.
It sucks and sometimes T's just suck. Unfortunately, they are human. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time with your T's.About the child abuse. While I think it is a good thing to sometimes read some stuff to get an idea that others have experienced similar things and that you are not alone, I do think that reading it can make things worse at times. You already know what it feels like. You live it everyday. Reading about it isn't going to tell you what you don't already know, except that you are not alone.
Lemonaide, hang in there.
Posted by LadyBug on July 28, 2008, at 18:58:13
In reply to I am so mad I could pee in my T's eyes, yes plural, posted by Lemonaide on July 28, 2008, at 18:23:49
I feel your pain and I understand how you feel with the T situation. As far as child abuse, I don't want to comment not because I don't care but because I don't understand and I won't go somewhere I haven't been myself.
I think you have been betrayed by a lie from T #2. I can't even imagine you talking on the phone to T #1. I picture myself doing that and I can't imagine. I'm scared to death to even think of calling my T.
I hope that you can calm down some and try to focus on something else? I know it's hard. I wish I could reach through and give you a hug and listen to you vent for as long as it takes.
I'm sorry to be negative, but my belief in therapy these days is pretty bad and I believe in the long run it damaged me more than it helped me. I'm about done with all of it myself!)#)*$@#$_)$#*%*#)$(, I don't want to swear, but I am in real life!
I would take a pill and go to sleep if I were you. I'm glad you did what you did and canceled. Let him know you aren't playing games!!! Was this for your benefit or his? I wonder now.........................and now it's even more complicated!!!!
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I want to be supportive and helpful but I don't know what to say.
I guess we could start a "I hate my T" club. I'd nominate my T to be the president of it. She thinks she is so special anyway and above anyone else.
Hugs
LadyBug
Posted by Lemonaide on July 28, 2008, at 21:53:17
In reply to Re: I feel so sick, I really need some support , p, posted by Dinah on July 28, 2008, at 16:54:49
Thank you so much for your support. I feel really hurt and confused right now. Just hearing my old T's winy *ss hole voice reminds me of why I left.
My current T dropped the ball with me. I have been very patient, but not anymore, I can't be, it is keeping me stuck. I know I am being hard on my current T, but I have had all I can take. I don't want to be lied to, that hurts the most. I really feel devastated about all of this.
I know my current T will call in the morning when he gets my message and when he sees I canceled all of my appointments. I just don't want to talk to him right now, now I am hurt by 2 T's, and I can only take so much hurt. And as far as my old T, he is lucky I don't have the money just to sue his *ss. I was giving him a chance to own up to what he has done. Well after talking to him today, he can eat sh*t and die, in whatever order he wishes.
I am going to take an xanax and a sleeping pill and get to bed. I really just want to curl up into a ball and not exist right now. I feel like I am dying again inside.
Posted by Phillipa on July 29, 2008, at 0:49:18
In reply to Looney Tunes,Raisn, Ladybug, and DInah » Dinah, posted by Lemonaide on July 28, 2008, at 21:53:17
Lemonaide I hope you sleep well. Agree with raisinb that you might be taking it out on T#2. He seems like a good guy and he has been ill? Maybe a med he is taking is making him forgetful???? Just a thought. Phillipa
Posted by Dinah on July 29, 2008, at 8:37:39
In reply to Looney Tunes,Raisn, Ladybug, and DInah » Dinah, posted by Lemonaide on July 28, 2008, at 21:53:17
Lemonaide, I've known you for a long time. And I hope that you know that I hold positive feelings for you and only want what's best for you.
It seems that this might be one of those pernicious growth experiences. You've posted a lot about your new therapist and how wonderful he is. He's sounded almost too good to be true. Now you see that he does indeed have clay feet, or at least a few clay toes. He's disappointed you, and you're angry and hurt.
Plus there's the timing. You're being triggered by stories of child abuse to remember what your mother did to you and your brother. You're feeling sick and angry about that. And you're angry with your old therapist, for good reason.
I'm not going to suggest that the anger at your current therapist is partly spillover from those other angers. It's possible, but it may have nothing to do with that.
But I do think it's an opportunity to grow in your understanding of yourself and your relationships with others. Your current therapist has let you down and hurt you *and* your relationship with him has been caring, positive, and valuable. He lied to you. Although there are lies and lies and this sounds like the sort meant to excuse himself not to hurt you, he did still lie to you and he still let you down in such a way that he felt lying to you was preferable to telling the truth. That hurts, and it would make me angry too. But it isn't the entire of your relationship. He lied to you *and* he wants what's best for you and wants to help you despite his own limitations and imperfections.
I see two areas of learning in all this. Learning that your anger can be tolerated, not only by you but by your current therapist. And learning to tolerate positive and negative feelings toward your therapist at once. Most relationships aren't with paragons of virtue. They're with people who let you down time and time again, and help you and care about you time and time again. It helps to be able to consolidate those two views.
My therapist hurts me by forgetting me entirely outside session, finding other things more important than returning my calls, and a myriad of other ways. And he helps me all the time, is fond of me as much as he is fond of any client, wants the best for me, and does his best to help me.
I hate to give actual advice, but it really seems to me (assuming I have most of the pertinent facts) that this current therapist is as good a therapist as any, and no more likely to hurt you than any other therapist would be. If I were you, I'd call him, and try to come to a new understanding of who he is, clay feet and all. I understand that you are angry with him. But I also have faith that you can master that anger, and give your current therapist and you a chance to repair the rupture. To tolerate the anger.
Just my two cents, based on my genuine caring for you.
Posted by muffled on July 29, 2008, at 9:28:43
In reply to Re: Looney Tunes,Raisn, Ladybug, and DInah » Lemonaide, posted by Dinah on July 29, 2008, at 8:37:39
WELL said Dinah, those were my thots too. I agree and you phrased it well.
I'm sorry its so hard right now Lemonaide :-(
But things will ease up. They have before. Its hard in the moment :-(
Maybe can you do something nice with your kids? Or just by yourself?
Anyhow, I too hope you will go and work this out w/current T. My oldT always said she WOULD hurt me at some point....NOT on purpose, its just that we are human, and sometimes end up hurting those we care about. And she DID hurt me from time to time, but we worked it out. AMAZING. WE did, and it was OK and I learned lots. I hurt her too :-(
I think its likely your current T meant well, but he has been very sick and so there IS going to be a bit of catch up.
Take good care, its just hard I know.
Thinking of you.
M
Posted by sassyfrancesca on July 29, 2008, at 10:42:40
In reply to I feel so sick, I really need some support , pleas, posted by Lemonaide on July 28, 2008, at 16:02:38
I am so sorry, sweetie: I, too had a horrific childhood.
Can you do something to soothe yourself? Music, hug a stuffed animal, cookies and milk, talk to a friend, stroke (or get) a pet
Love and hugs, (Wish I could help)
Sassy
Posted by Lemonaide on July 29, 2008, at 12:47:49
In reply to Re: Looney Tunes,Raisn, Ladybug, and DInah » Lemonaide, posted by Dinah on July 29, 2008, at 8:37:39
Hi DInah,
You do know me well. lol I guess my T is experiencing the wrath of my anger for the first time, he would try to have me bring it out against my mother in session and I couldn't do it. But yeah, I do have anger. He called and left a message this morning saying he was keeping my appointment open. Well I am making a stand, and didn't go. I did just leave another message just now.
He told me last week that he needed to talk to my old T within a couple of days so we can put an end to this. He forgot to call the week before and now this week his excuse it that he didn't realize my appointment was today. Well it has been on Tuesdays for month now. He has been back to work for a month now. I said in my message that since it was my old T's idea to talk to him first before talking to me, why couldn't he meet my T at his office if my current T has health conditions and couldn't drive.
I just feel he isn't putting an enough effort into this like he assured me he was going to do. It is frusterating, I have been ready for weeks now, heck months since I called my first T to talk with him. Last session nothing was big was talked about because he forgot to call my old T to talk to him.
I do have quite a lot of anger when I feel I am being lied to and yerked around. It is even one of the symptoms of child abuse I read about the other day.
He disappointed me and I will get over it. And I am probably taking out some of my anger from my old T to him too. After hearing my old T's voice and reminded me of who frusterating he was sometimes. I doubt he will talk to me know, after I said I was going to talk to my lawyer.
Even my current T said I am sensitive to things because of my past. He is right, he saw my deep sadness, but now he has seen my anger. I don't think he likes it much. Even my old T said he didn't like my anger too much.
I will probably talk to him sometimes today, I will probably work this out. IT just hurts even more to be hurt by someone you care about. Tough lessons in life I guess, life isn't so much fun anymore.
This is the end of the thread.
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