Posted by soulnik on May 24, 2005, at 21:37:36 [reposted on May 28, 2005, at 13:21:23 | original URL]
In reply to Re: Both my parents died. I'm hopeless and can't feel. » soulnik, posted by JenStar on May 23, 2005, at 11:55:19
JenStar,
Thanks for the suggestions for handling the allergies. I recently bought a mattress cover and got off my butt and put it on my bed. It seems to have helped a bit. Washing my sheets may be a bit demanding as I barely feel like washing myself but we'll see.
The thing about depression, the way I usually experience it, is that I can remind myself that I am depressed and that I take medication for it and I am doing everything I can to deal with. I usually do my best to act "as if" and "do" my life anyway. I usually can't remember what makes or made me happy and generally don't remember ever having felt happy in my life but when I am in the midst of depression I try to get dressed and do things that could make me happy. The point is that until I get to the "I'm suicidal and I need to be hospitalized" place, I can usually reserve some part of my mind that remembers that my depression is an illness and it will eventually swing back into something that feels less like evil invading my soul.
This place feels so different because I haven't forgotten about my depression and it's nature and swinging cycles. I just don't FEEL anything. It's almost worse than the pain of depression. I can't feel anything. I'm not sure I'm here. It makes me feel crazy in a totally different way. All I really feel is that all the space around me is completely void. There is no one and nothing and my insides - me feelings - are just blowing in that void like laundry on a clothes line. I'm standing between the sheets but I can't touch them or take them down yet. There's no one to help me and I'll fall and get tangled up in the folds and be strangled by the clothes line if I try to take them down and deal with them on my own. Whew, that's corny! (I can talk about laundry but I don't have the energy to do any.)
Soulnik
poster:soulnik
thread:504183
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20041230/msgs/504191.html