Posted by fallsfall on September 16, 2004, at 9:14:14
In reply to Just Need to Babble - sorry, long, posted by daisym on September 15, 2004, at 19:08:57
((((((((((daisy))))))))))
((((((((((Daisy))))))))))You said:
>And how I still feel like no one will intervine, because I got myself into this mess.
*** This sounds so blaming. Like you decided when you were 6 or 7 that you wanted to be abused. You will say "But I didn't get myself *out* of this mess" - you were a child, Daisy. If you look at how hard it is to even *see* the mess now, and how it is almost impossible for you to change things in the here and now, how could you possibly expect yourself to have changed things then?
*** But, even if you *were* to "blame", why would that mean that noone would intervene? Does not stopping things when you were in elementary school mean that you are so base and vile that noone would consider you worthwhile enough to intervene? I can't speak for anyone else, but we have talked quite a bit and I think that I do know you pretty well - *I* will certainly intervene for you. I wish you could see you as I do.
>He reminds me that he is known for long term therapy and he is in it for the long haul. But geez, how long is long?!
*** "Long" is as long as it takes. I know you wanted to be done in 6 months (OK, 6 weeks). I guess I started being more patient with my own therapy when I started to think that maybe I was "worth" it (this seems very strange to me, to say this, but I think that I truly do now feel that therapy will help me and that I could be something other than negative for the world - notice that I didn't say that I would be anything positive...). You are ***SOOOO*** worth it.
>And how much of this do I let her tell him?
>And how detailed am I supposed to get...I still use such broad general terms and expressions. I wish I knew the "rules", GG,...it is hard for someone like me to just dump it all out there and expect someone to be OK with it.
*** You let her tell it all. If she knows it, if she can remember it, then she should be allowed to tell it. All of the details. Not just euphemisms and suggestions of what happened. All of it. *HE* is strong enough to hear it all. Noone protected *her* from the details, and they were devistating to her, but it is different for him. *He* doesn't have to live the details, and he is a grownup, and he is trained to handle these things, and he does have support for himself. He is not vulnerable like she was because it is not *his* life. He can keep her company without living it himself.
>And that is this ongoing fight. I'm afraid to go down and a path and take him with me if I don't know where it is leading.
*** The unknown is terrifying. But you are talking about protecting *him* as you go down the path. You don't need to protect him. He has his education, and his peers, and his supervision, and his family to take care of him. Taking care of him isn't your job.
*** Those of us who are planners, who don't do spontaneous, are so afraid that we will end up in a place where we can't handle it. That is why you are taking him with you. Just like when he said that maybe you needed to fall apart, and being in his office with him was probably the safest place that you could be if you *did* fall apart. Trust that he will help you handle it.
>Because I don't know what he will say about the destination once we arrive.
*** By "the destination" do you mean when he knows the truth? Are you worried that if he knew the whole truth that he would leave you? Have you told him anything yet that pushed him away, made him back away from you? But I bet that you are surprised that this knowledge, so far, *didn't* drive him away - so maybe, just maybe, you can consider the possibility that things you tell him in the future won't drive him away either.
>I guess I still have a lot of work to do around trust. You'd think after a year I'd be further along than this!
*** You HAVE made amazing progress. I would bet that if you read some of your early posts that it would be obvious that you *have* made progress in trust (even to "those" who vehemently believe that you haven't). And... *who* wrote the schedule for where you "should" be? How much experience did that person have with this kind of project when the schedule was decided upon?
>Have you ever asked your therapist how he takes care of himself? I'm thinking about doing that tomorrow. I need to reassure myself that he does have the resources and supports he needs.
*** What a great idea. My first therapist described her supervision group for me, and would refer to discussions that she had with my pdoc. It helped me to know that other people were suggesting other perspectives for her to view things from. I objected to my current therapist when he tried to schedule a phone call during his vacation a year ago - but he told me that he had carefully considered his needs, and that he would prefer me to talk to him in the middle of his vacation than have to pick up the pieces when he got back. It will be interesting to see what your therapist does to take care of himself.
*** You are doing amazing and incredibly difficult work. I *have* to believe that, in the end, it will be worth it.
Love,
Falls.
poster:fallsfall
thread:391233
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040911/msgs/391456.html